• health

• parenthood

This is what happens to your children when you "lose it"

We are not talking about physical violence, God forbid, but about those moments that every parent knows where he just does not control his reactions.

This can manifest itself in roars, threats or insults - and the damage is enormous.

Is there a way to avoid this

Tags

• parenthood

• anger

• Shouting

• Children

Leah Stern

Wednesday, 11 November 2020, 07:32

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It happens to everyone, but it does not make it okay.

Mother shouts at frightened girl (Photo: shutterstock)

We are all going through a difficult period.

The last few months have been challenging us in so many areas, so of course our level of stress is rising.

One of the areas in which stress is expressed is the family cell, which drains all the external pressures into it, and adds to the internal pressures that exist in each family from time to time.

As parents, we should also contain the difficulties of our family members, both deal with our difficulties and also try to conduct ourselves as calmly and calmly as possible in front of the children.

And some days it's an impossible task.

We restrain, restrain, contain but at some point - lose it.

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When we erupt at children we tend to react impatiently, bluntly and even shouting or roaring.

Then, when we calm down, we are filled with guilt.

This non-behavior is so far removed from the parental behavior that we expect of ourselves.

And it is precisely this outburst that is happening in front of our children, who are the last people in the world that we would like to harm.

How do your children feel when you erupt?

The great difficulty is understanding the intensity of our children’s injury.

Think for a moment what a child feels and thinks during and after the outburst in front of him.

First, the child feels

.

This is a situation where he gets negative feedback from the people he values ​​most.

No doubt he

.

Not only that, it is clear that he also feels how much he is

, the parents.

How hard it is to know that you did not live up to your parents' expectations.

Our distress even increases when it is clear to us that the outburst illustrates to our child how much he

, instead of the parental role of empowering our child and raising him as a self-confident person.

In addition, the eruption achieves the opposite effect.

Our children do not learn from words and slogans.

They learn by observing our behavior.

And so, the message they get is basically: whenever something does not happen the way you want, whenever you feel angry, you can erupt.

You are allowed to shout, to be blunt and offensive.

Just like us, the parents.

What personal example do you want to give your children?

A boy screams (Photo: ShutterStock)

We will add that our outburst harms the family atmosphere and distances our child from us.

After all, there is no way he will ask for our closeness after we have roared about him.

How can such outbreaks be avoided?

We must understand that we are human.

There really are situations where we feel it is already beyond our powers, and the only response we can find is an outburst.

But there is no value in self-flagellation, on the contrary, we become empathetic and compassionate towards ourselves, for having reached this state.

We have already said, the period is not easy for anyone.

If such an outburst occurs, it is very important that we apologize to our children, after we have calmed down.

Just notice something important, the apology is not a magic wand that allows you to erupt again and again.

On the contrary, we must apologize from the bottom of our hearts, understand the magnitude of the injury and honestly assure that we will try to avoid such a reaction again.

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A tool that can help us prevent outbreaks is self-awareness.

Once we understand that such behavior of ours is not recommended and harms the child, we can decide to try to reduce it.

After all, we know ourselves.

We already know that a second before the eruption the body signals to us that it is coming soon.

It can be by a feeling of trembling in the hands, blushing face, sore stomach etc.

We must listen to this preliminary sign and take advantage of it to stop.

That is, just before the uncontrollable escalation, it is best to tell the child a sentence such as: "Let's talk about it later."

Only good can come out of it.

And once the winds have calmed down, it is certainly possible to discuss the same matter that caused the difficult feeling.

Once the exact same situation is analyzed as before, but calmly, results can be achieved through respectful and appropriate behavior.

It takes practice, but it's worth it

Another tool available to us is the attempt to adopt the child's point of view.

You probably know that.

The eyes that open in astonishment at our reaction, the crying or the self-convergence that happens to him immediately.

It pierces our hearts.

After all, there is no doubt that our goal is always to get on well with the child, even if it sometimes "falls apart" for us.

So, let's try to imagine how our child feels about us?

What does he think of himself when we lose it?

And out of the understanding that what he sees and feels is so far removed from the parent I want to be for him, I can gather myself back and try to respond from logic rather than emotion.

It is true that it requires coaching, but the investment is worth the product which is a good and respectful relationship between us and our children.

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