health
parenthood
Why do we let our children manage us, and how do we stop it?
Once upon a time parents would not see the children, and today - they do not see themselves.
There are far too many frightened, tired, worn out and desperate parents, those who try to please and make their child happy, without success
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Children
parenthood
Limits
Ravit Raviv
Monday, 23 November 2020, 07:07
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Did we go too far with the rights of the child?
Angry girl (Photo: shutterstock)
Last Friday we celebrated International Children's Day all over the world, here in Israel, with the aim of promoting awareness of the rights of the child, the well-being and health of all the children of the world, as well as encouraging brotherhood, respect, acceptance and understanding among children.
This was not always the case.
Until very recently children were considered the property of their parents, and this is how they were treated.
Only in recent decades has there been a great and wide-ranging change in the view of the child and the treatment of him as a human being, with thoughts, needs and feelings.
Then there is also the need to protect it, to limit child labor and not to exploit them.
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Indeed, we can say that we have come a long way.
Today, in Israel, the well-being of the child is first and foremost, in terms of the physical, emotional and developmental needs he needs.
But we went a little too far.
The culture of abundance has brought with it endless sources of knowledge and possibilities regarding the development and education of the child, and parents find themselves careful, examining, fearing, asking, and sometimes surrounded and drowning in the sea of knowledge.
And so, little by little, before our eyes, the new child grew for him, and with him the new parent developed.
"You do not decide on me"
"My body is in my possession"
"My right"
"I do not want to"
"Stop digging for me"
"Leave me"
"I want now !!!"
These are the kind of sentences that are heard in almost every home.
Indeed, we can say that we have progressed and made a beautiful way, maybe even a little too much.
Today, in 21st century Israel, one can see parents being controlled by a three-year-old and a five-year-old, parents who give up on themselves and their desires for the sake of their children, and in return receive from them anger, resentment and constant dissatisfaction.
I see parents scared, tired, worn out and desperate.
Trotty-eyed parents trying to please and delight their child, without success.
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The parents of the 21st century, are the ones who will talk to the teacher instead of letting the child do it themselves, they are the ones who will want to close an account with the parent of the friend or girlfriend who behaved badly to their child.
These are the same parents who will call the teacher to scold her for being angry, and not rightly so, at their little child.
It is the parents who prepare the lessons for their children in the most invested, most creative, most special way.
Parents who invest in lavish birthday shows, parents who work in the service of the child without a break, without compensation and without gratitude on their part.
And so, little by little, a generation of people is growing up here who only knows how to receive and is not required to make an effort or give anything of himself.
The parents and siblings are the first "preparation for life" the child encounters.
Many brothers (Photo: shutterstock)
We took the rights of the child so much to our attention that we forgot our parental role and our rights.
The paradox is, if we have forgotten our basic rights, how can we teach children about their own rights?
If we do not maintain our dignity, do not require them to listen, help, consider, wait, how will they learn and know all this?
In the midst of that blessed revolution, in which we put the child, his rights and needs at the forefront of the stage, we lost ourselves, as parents.
We lost the balance.
Prepare the children for life themselves
Our parental role is to prepare the children for life.
And in life they will need their toolbox ready and full of respect, empathy, caring, consideration for the other, listening, giving, rejecting gratifications, waiting and more.
The home, family, parents and siblings, are the first "preparation for life" the child encounters.
Children cannot be taught to understand and accept the other, before they accept the other we have built, the parents.
Before they realize that both father and mother have needs and desires, opinions and requests.
It is impossible to teach them to be empathetic, without making them feel empathy for us.
Our children will learn to get along outdoors, only after they practice on the home field.
Only after they know and understand the needs and desires of the rest of the household.
It all starts with us, within us, and it is entirely possible.
The family is the child's training field for life.
And for all this the boundaries must be pushed back.
I have no idea when and how it happened, but somehow, in our counties, boundaries are not perceived as necessary as food and as safety rules.
On the contrary, they are perceived as difficult and tough, and for the most part parents are perceived as unnecessary and unnecessary.
It's a mistake.
Setting boundaries for children is just as important and important as any other treatment or developmental need for them.
Boundaries are the basis for everything: for learning, for mutual respect, for development, for the rejection of satisfactions, for success, for perseverance, and that is our parental duty.
Without borders, it is impossible to work, move forward and develop.
We know that.
The children do not.
And so it obliges us, the parents.
True, this is not easy.
It is a daily, hourly and Sisyphean job.
This is a job that requires self-examination and regular enforcement.
This is hard work that needs to be learned.
But when you do it, along with patience and perseverance, this hard work, knows how to bear great fruit.
Ravit Raviv is a kindergarten and family specialist at the Adler Institute
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