Psychological therapy/ShutterStock
Sometimes when the partner does not want to come to couples therapy, a door opens for us to change deeply in ourselves and in the relationship.
About 3 stories from the treatment room and the conclusions that arise from them.
Story 1: A partner who hurts
A. suffered humiliation from her partner over the years.
When he got angry and the blood rose to his head he would lose control and shoot words that hurt her to the depths of her soul.
Except for those situations where he lost it, he was an exemplary husband by definition.
Generous, pleasant and loving.
what do we do with it?
She didn't want to lose the relationship, and neither did he, but he was in no way ready to go to couples therapy.
She decided to take responsibility and come to treatment alone with the understanding that something in her enables her partner's outbursts.
In therapy it turned out that every time her husband exploded it was preceded by words that she would shoot at him in a disparaging tone and gave him the feeling that he was worth nothing.
He would hoard and hoard until he couldn't hold any more and would pour filth on her.
As soon as she understood her mechanism and learned how to speak to him with the most respect at the points of contention, he stopped reaching extreme situations and his speech towards her calmed down and improved.
Story 2: A partner who crosses the boundaries
M would get yelled at by his partner.
Twice she even hit him.
He didn't want to divorce her, they have a baby at home, and she didn't want to divorce him either.
At the same time, she thought she did not need to go to therapy.
She denied her actions and thought there was no problem with the way she acted in front of him.
M came to therapy to find a way to stop the abuse from his wife.
In the treatment it became clear that he does not know how to set boundaries.
Not only to his wife but also in front of his parents, his ex-wife and at work.
Everyone can hurt him and some people do.
When he learned how to set boundaries then his wife stopped crossing them and the dynamic between them changed for the better.
Story 3: A partner who imposes her will
P's wife constantly tried to manage him and tell him what and how to do.
She did not allow him to even take the little daughter to his mother alone.
He felt suffocated and lost in this relationship, which caused him a lot of anger that would come out in moments of crisis on his partner and cause endless wars.
Since he didn't want to break up and they had already tried couples therapy that didn't help, he decided to come to therapy alone.
In therapy, it emerged that even as a small child he was managed by his father and did not have the freedom to decide even which classes to go to.
Many times we reproduce patterns we grew up with in the house we build, even if they are against our will and interest.
When P released the place he was imprisoned in, he found a way to start standing up for himself and achieve some of his desires without having to get very angry.
Does it have to be two?/ShutterStock
5 conclusions that arise from couple therapy in one-sided status
A relationship is a zero sum game
and every axis of behavior has two sides.
If there is an offending party, there is a party that in some way enables the harm.
If there is a party that controls, there is a party that makes room for it.
If we want to change the quality of our relationships, in many cases all we have to do is move from our place on the relationship axis.
Our behavior pattern enables our partner's behavior pattern.
If our partner controls everything that happens at home, then we are forced to give ourselves up.
But it also works the other way around: if we are in a place where we give up on ourselves, we allow the other side to take over.
Either way, if we leave the place of self-renunciation, stop canceling ourselves and our desires, and move to a new position where we expect to be seen and take our desires into account, we can set boundaries more effectively and demand that they make room for us.
Our marital behavior pattern is reflected in other relationships in our lives.
If you are not sure that your relationship pattern really stems from you as well, you can do the following test.
Ask yourself: Is this place where I am in the marital system - absorbing/victim/weak/hurtful/giving up/crossing boundaries, etc. - present in other relationships in my life?
If you can see this pattern also present in front of friends, parents, siblings or in relationships at work, then it is your pattern that governs you.
If you change this pattern for you, you will probably see a welcome change in the way your other relationships are conducted as well.
Changing our behavior pattern can move our partner from the place.
Any change requires adjustments on the part of the partner.
If, for example, we stop being silent in front of a critical partner and manage to speak for ourselves in a more assertive way, he cannot continue to attack us as before.
Or: if we succeed in starting to see ourselves and express our desires clearly, the partner cannot remain in a position where he will do anything based only on his face.
Changing the way we experience ourselves and the situation allows us to respond in ways that elicit a new kind of response from our partner.
Personal change can be the key to marital change,
in order to change the quality of the relationship, we don't always have to come to treat both.
When we come alone to therapy, we can change the patterns that govern us in relationships and enable our partner's behavior towards us, thus fixing an ongoing crisis in the relationship from the root.
As mentioned, a zero sum game.
Gili Weintraub is an emotional therapist and creates a method of couple therapy in half
More on the same topic:
Couples therapy
a relationship