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Editor's Note: Kate Bolduan is a presenter and presenter for CNN's “At This Hour”. The opinions expressed in this comment are exclusively yours. See more opinion pieces on CNN.
(CNN) - I speak and explain things to live. I have also been covering the coronavirus outbreak for weeks.
But when it comes to talking about all this with my own children, I am speechless.
At first, I didn't discuss that with my daughters. They are 5 and 2 years old, so I made sure to remind them that they had to wash their hands more often.
But when my oldest daughter came out of school and said, "Mom, there is something called 'Corona' and everyone is getting sick." I knew I couldn't help it anymore.
Then I tried to tell my 5-year-old daughter, "There is an illness," but I didn't need to worry too much. That prompted her to ask out loud, walking down the sidewalk, "Does that person have the disease?" Then, pointing to the next person and asking again: “how about that one? Do you have the disease? ”
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It quickly became clear that he would need expert help on how to have this conversation. I also quickly realized that I am not alone. My producer told me that his 6-year-old son wanted to know if he could still kiss him goodnight, as he was concerned that I would give him the coronavirus.
As parents, we could all use a little help at this unprecedented time. I started with the person I always go to first when it comes to the health and well-being of my children, our pediatrician. "The fewer words the better," said Dr. Bruce Brovender of Global Pediatrics. "But always be honest."
If you are not, he said, "You actually do the most terrifying and traumatic things because they don't know what is true and what is not."
Brovender's guide motivated me to dig deeper. And after spending hours on the phone with doctors, experts and doctors, I have found some useful common threads of what should and should not be done when talking to our little ones about something so important.
Be reassuring but honest
"The most important thing at all ages is that children need to know that they will be fine and that their parents will be fine," says Tovah Klein, director of the Barnard Center for Young Child Development at Columbia University. "The first thing is to reassure them about that."
"It's a balance between addressing children's concerns and fears, because that's real, and reassuring them because the truth is, most people get better at this."
Dr. Sally Goza, president of the American Academy of Pediatrics, adds that it comes with the bottom line that this cannot be treated like any other day. “It is really critical that people understand that it is not like a snow day. We need to suspend game dates. We need to postpone the birthday parties until we have a clearer idea of what is going on with this. "
And in explaining these abrupt changes to children, it's important to remind them that "adults are handling it," says clinical psychologist Rebecca Schrag Hershberg. "We don't have to pretend that we know all the answers, but we have to project a calm confidence that there are smart people everywhere, doctors, policy makers, teachers, all working together to make sure we get through this."
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Don't avoid the subject
“The children are listening to everything. They hear words they've never heard before, none of us really have, "says Klein. “Even the terms coronavirus and covid-19, it's like what is that?
"I tell parents that it is really important that they filter the information for older children who may be receiving it wrongly or who are hearing it from friends or on social media," adds Klein. For the little ones who can start with demystifying terms like "what is coronavirus?" Klein suggests: “It is a very big word, but it is a fancy word for what we normally call a cold or flu, something that has been around for a long time. Now there is a new virus and that is what everyone is talking about. "
Hershberg agrees that transparency is key. ”I think transparency for children, even toddlers, is more comforting than the alternative when they notice that there is a big elephant in the room, but they also notice that nobody is talking about it. "
Less can be more “Listen first and speak later. Listen to concerns, questions, and misinformation as you enjoy regular activities with your children, whether it's drawing, playing with dolls, or throwing a ball. Then let them know you are happy to be asked questions and share what they think, ”advises Dr. Joshua Morganstein, chair of the Psychiatric Dimensions Committee of the American Psychiatric Association. "Young children need fewer words, and a calm parent will reassure and comfort them."
Hershberg adds that it is good practice to avoid the tendency to want to be silent when it comes to these types of sensitive conversations with your children. " If they ask a question, you answer their questions directly, clearly and briefly, and then pause to see if they have any more questions. Pause and see what happens next. "
How to say, "I don't know '"
It's okay to say "I don't know," the experts agree. "In fact, it's important to do it," says Morganstein. "When children discover that you cheated on them, they will lose confidence in you."
But there seem to be more useful ways of saying "I don't know" than simply saying "I don't know." There is, “I don't know. Why don't we look for that together? ”Says Morganstein. This sets a model for the child, who will learn that when he doesn't know something, information can be sought about it. ” This can really increase the feeling of confidence, that you know you can count on your parents to tell you what they know and how to find the answer. ”
"You can say, I need to think about that," adds Hershberg, helping to portray another "I don't know" scenario. Saying "I don't know" in a calm voice and without panic is not uncomfortable for our children unless we make it uncomfortable. " "Children can feel really comfortable when you tell them that there are a lot of people asking themselves the same question right then and there."
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Calm down first
This is just about how to talk to our kids about covid-19. So I was surprised that most of these experts emphasized the impact of our own levels of stress and anxiety on the way our children handle and process this uncertain time.
“It is overwhelming for parents right now because this is a very fluid situation. Every day something new happens with covid-19, which is overwhelming for parents and really scary for children, ”said Goza.
So let's try not to make things worse for our children. "First, check your own stress level. If you (or other adults around you) behave in a very stressful way, your children may simply be picking up and emulating this behavior, ”says Morganstein.
"Don't talk to your kids about any of this when you're in a moment of anxiety," adds Hershberg. "If you hear something or read a tweet that makes you really anxious, it's okay to tell your child, before answering that question, I feel a little worried right now, so I'm going to take three deep breaths, do you want to do that with me ? ”.
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It is also important to remember that children of different ages will express their anxiety in these difficult times in very different ways.
“In general, it's important to remember that distress looks different in children of different ages. Isolation, decreased academic performance, or aggression are often responses of older children. Younger children respond with irritability, lethargy, or behaviors typical of younger ages. For parents who are understandably distracted and already experiencing high stress, this can easily be misinterpreted as "misbehavior," says Morganstein. “Giving them back some power is useful right now, which may explain why they have to wash their hands so much, why they can't play with their friends, and can be especially valuable with questions about grandparents and the elderly.
“It is possible to empower children by saying: look, we don't get very sick [from the coronavirus], but believe it or not, we could have the virus so we must help so that not too many people get sick. That's part of our job, "suggested Klein.
"That also explains hand washing: It keeps germs and viruses away."
“That explains the closing of the school: we are trying to prevent you from being with many people and that the virus spreads. This is why mom or dad have to work from home now. All those pieces can be put in the context that we are all working together. ”
Hershberg reminds us that children often process difficult events through play, thereby empowering them to do so. "Cast a magic spell on the virus ... Pretending to be Elsa and freezing the virus. Those are all things that will help children feel powerful and also allow them to process feelings. ”
So let them express the feelings, whatever they are. "It's healthy and it means they feel safe talking about it," says Hershberg.
Understandably, giving that sense of empowerment to older children requires a different approach. "There will be a lot of sadness at the lack of sporting events, graduations and a lot of things, and I think we have to give them that peace of mind," says Goza. "The more we do now to make this pandemic as short as possible ... the sooner they can go out and do the things they like."
Find the fun
"They can play germ busters," says Klein. "It can be fun and not so serious not to scare the kids."
Hershberg agrees to say, "Your family are superheroes who fight the virus and every time you wash your hands, you are taking a step to keep people healthy and safe," he suggests. “It is about emphasizing that this is an active option and that we are all coming together to do it. And it's not that we are all defenseless in our homes waiting to hear what is happening. ”
While no one can say for sure when this crisis will end, this expert tip provides me with a great place to start when the time for more difficult conversations comes in the days ahead, when the girls and I are no longer playing at being super germ busters.
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