Anyone who is immersed in the universe of online dating will know how complicated it is to ensure that, given the number of different existing applications and the enormous number of conversations started with different suitors, the attempt to meet someone becomes an arduous adventure in which It is not only necessary to be witty and have an interesting conversation, but also to have management and organization skills worthy of an Excel expert.
The culture of dating apps is responsible for us
swiping
(swipe right if you like a person and left if you reject them) in a certainly frenetic and inattentive way, so we don't examine well. to the candidates and we end up with more than one match that has been the result of an outburst, not of a thoughtful decision.
Therefore, the opportune thing to continue looking for a partner through applications without activating
burnout
is to start The KonMari method, by Marie Kondo, and get rid of all those conversations, applications and suitors that are not giving us anything. , because constantly
matching
and talking to many people may be taking up unnecessary mental space.
“Talking to multiple people over time on a
dating app
takes up a lot of mental space.
When we download a
dating app
, at first we are very motivated to be able to achieve that connection or relationship (of any kind).
But this, on many occasions, leads us to talk to many people, and lose sight of what we are looking for and what we want, simply letting ourselves be carried away by the conversations and the novelty of the interaction.
This can prompt us to do it as an automatic and routine act to disconnect from our discomfort, rather than to connect with someone,” says Marta Ridaura, a psychologist specialized in couples and trauma.
Less matches and more heart, please
A survey carried out by the Pew Research Center revealed that 37% of those who have online dates said that despite having indicated that they were not interested in a suitor, he continued to insist, while 35% had received sexual text messages or images unwanted explicit
Given such an x-ray, it is not surprising that there are those who have the feeling that searching for a partner through applications does not make any sense.
“We talk about liquid and unstable relationships that have no content;
relationships that, more than relationships, are just connections and as such, do not provide “solidity.”
You can have thousands of likes or followers and many connections (which seem to mark your self-esteem and your social position), but you do not have relationships that provide you with the minimum,"
Guillermo Fouce, doctor in social psychology and professor at the Complutense University, explains to
S Moda.
from Madrid.
“In the field of love, what Bauman points out, for example, is that we have or maintain ephemeral, superficial relationships that tire and generate that discomfort that we can call love
burnout
.
“It is the feeling of being surrounded by people but without relationships, connected but without substance, of having relationships that are all ephemeral…” he points out.
It is essential to understand why the applications are generating a certain anxiety or restlessness, reflect on whether not finding the perfect partner is generating a certain frustration, and assess whether too many dating apps are being used.
To find out, Ridaura recommends asking some questions.
“Do you need all the apps you have?
What do I need them for and what do you use them for?
After answering, assess the extent to which you need each and every one of them, or choose those that best fit your needs (if you always prefer to speak first, like on Bumble, or if you prefer to have mutual possibility, like in the rest)”, he explains.
The love burnout
Hinge is one of the applications that does not hesitate to openly talk about the exhaustion generated by online dating, and its CEO, Justin McLeod, revealed in a recent interview with the
Financial Times
the two reasons why so many people end up overwhelmed.
“On the one hand, you feel overwhelmed: there is so much activity and so many people, so everyone starts to look the same and conversations die.
On the other end of the spectrum, many users are very inactive on the app.
They get exhausted because they try to get that match and send a lot of likes, but then they don't even get enough activity from each other to go on a date.
“People want to spend more time dating and less time on the app,” he says.
However, Marta Ridaura points out that in order to meet someone, we first have to consider to what extent we would feel comfortable staying with that person.
“The goal of going on a date is to feel safe enough to be able to focus our attention on the person we meet.
Therefore, it is necessary to be able to find a balance between endless conversations and meeting directly with someone with whom you do not know if you would feel safe meeting,” she clarifies.
When talking about
ghosting
, a 3.0 way of ending a (too) common relationship in the digital age through which a person stops responding to messages, continuing on networks and disappears like a ghost, the usual thing is to think about the situations in which It is the other who launches the “he went for tobacco” online.
However, in the face of such an avalanche of messages and the exhaustion that the number of conversations and even disappointments can generate, it is not strange that we ourselves become ghosts of heartbreak.
Marta Ridaura recommends settling conversations with emotional responsibility and avoiding emotional smoke bombs.
“If you are convinced to end the relationship, express your refusal clearly, briefly and kindly.
There are times when when it comes to rejecting someone, we give too many explanations or are unclear.
You can use the sandwich technique, which consists of expressing something positive before and after sending the message to the person it accompanies," recommends the psychologist specializing in couples and trauma, who emphasizes that the objective is to be consistent and faithful to what one wants and It needs a relationship, respecting the people with whom you interact.
Love in times of Tinder is not easy, but it is even more difficult to find a partner without assertiveness, with conversations that lead to nothing and with such a large number of applications that it is even difficult to remember which person was in that was beginning to arouse our interest.
Marie Kondo says that cleaning is an act of facing oneself, and without a doubt digital cleaning is an act with which we face our needs and question what we are really looking for.
The magic of order with online applications is key so that fatigue does not cause the
match
to become a slab.