Luis Suárez has scored 198 times in 283 games for Barcelona since 2014
Photo:
Matthias Hangst / Getty Images
If you thought it couldn't be any more absurd, a new real satire comes from somewhere: It's been like this at FC Barcelona for quite a while.
The fake news of "Barçagate", a 2: 8 against Bayern Munich or the unsuitable termination of Lionel Messi by fax are some examples.
Another episode for the ages followed on Tuesday: Luis Suárez and his language test.
Admittedly, Barça was initially only indirectly involved this time: Because they put the third-best goalscorer in the club's history at the top of the list of bogeymen and consequently declared them to be surplus, he wanted to tie in with Juventus.
In the Italian Serie A, however, only two non-EU foreigners can be signed per team, and Juventus had already planned these places.
So the Uruguayan should be naturalized, which is also possible in principle because of his wife's Italian roots.
However, the prerequisite for a successful application is language skills at an intermediate level.
"What is it like to meet such a genius?"
Last week, Suárez, 33, flew to Perugia for the relevant B1 level test.
At the well-known university for foreigners he went in the door and after half an hour back out.
Passed easily, it was said afterwards.
Probably not only the "Corriere della Sera" was amazed how the otherwise two-hour test could be passed so quickly.
One would love to hear from the examiners "what it's like to meet such a genius".
The fact that Suárez's exam is actually suspected of being tampered with is, however, "a coincidence," as the investigating financial police said on Tuesday.
The university had been targeted for a long time because of "non-transparent activities", and conversations were accidentally overheard, suggesting that Suárez had received the questions beforehand.
Neither the footballer nor Juventus, who organized the appointment, has been investigated so far.
The special care had rather come up with the university staff, out of anticipatory star obedience or in the hope of being able to stay in useful exchange with him and Juventus.
"He doesn't pronounce a single word correctly"
The quotes from the internal auditor interviews reproduced in the Italian media are amusing: "He doesn't pronounce a single word correctly" or: "He can't conjugate verbs, he only takes the infinitive."
Unabashedly: "Give him a 3 for everything, I spoke to the rector yesterday, that's the guideline."
Concerned: "We are on the right track, he has already memorized part of the test."
Honestly: "It shouldn't pass, but an annual salary of ten million euros can't slip away because of a B1."
And dramatically: "If he fails, there will be attacks on us."
The university officials saw a possible trap in the journalists waiting in front of the door: "My fear is that they will ask him two questions (in Italian, i.e. the editor) and he will get into a crisis."
In the end it was all for nothing.
Juventus no longer wants Suárez because the paperwork would not have been finished in time for the Champions League registration despite the express language test.
But the goalgetter couldn't do anything with a lavish offer from the David Beckham Club in Miami: He still wants to play real football.
And so he is now going to Atlético Madrid.
Whereby this transfer almost failed.
This is where Barça comes into play again, with the usual chaos under President Josep Maria Bartomeu, who could not see his last days in office for nothing: 20,687 members signed in the past few weeks for a vote of no confidence in the club boss.
If at least 16,520 are validated, a referendum must be called in October.
If two-thirds then vote for impeachment, Bartomeu's mandate ends immediately and in all dishonor.
The agreement with Atlético came late on Tuesday evening
For now, however, he is still busy correcting the pay slip downwards.
According to consistent reports in the Spanish press, the termination contract with Suárez had actually already been worked out: the Catalans would only pay Suárez for his outstanding contract year the amount that he would earn less elsewhere.
But then Bartomeu was pointed out by his board of directors that one could hardly strengthen a direct league competitor and also pay for it.
The president quickly put Atlético on a list of banned clubs that previously only included arch-rivals Real Madrid and its international enemies Paris Saint-Germain (because of the unwinding of Neymar) and Manchester City (because of the courtship for Messi).
However, an agreement was apparently reached late on Tuesday evening.
Atlético is said to pay up to four million euros in transfer fees through bonuses for achieving sporting goals, for example in the Champions League, in 2014 Suárez came from Liverpool for around 80 million euros.
With the deal now, Barça wants to save face.
According to a similar scheme - but for only one million euros in bonuses - the Chilean Arturo Vidal had already been handed over to Inter Milan on the same day.
Icon: enlarge
Inseparable off the pitch: Suárez and Lionel Messi (r)
Photo:
Emilio Morenatti / AP
If the Suárez change is confirmed, club star Messi would have lost his two favorite buddies in one fell swoop.
This is definitely a strategy: many in the club saw these friendships as a bad influence.
It was probably secondary that Suárez had an outstanding rate of 198 goals in a total of 283 games for Barcelona.
It remains to be seen how the Argentine, who is already acidic after his prevented move, will react to his isolation.
Whether Barça can renew itself so successfully, too.
The game was defined less by Suárez and Vidal or Ivan Rakitic and Nélson Semedo (two further departures, to Sevilla and Wolverhampton respectively) than by Messi.
In the first test matches under the new coach Ronald Koeman, things were just as dignified and predictable as under his predecessors.
As the only standard bearer of the alleged youth revolution, the 17-year-old Ansu Fati is expected in the team at the start of the league on Sunday against Villarreal.
The Portuguese winger Francisco Trincão is at least scratching the starting line-up.
On the other hand, Koeman suggested that Riqui Puig, longed for by the fans as a new playmaker, should look for another club.
He doesn't see any opportunities for him to work.
So it would be for Suárez without a move to Atlético.
After all, he will definitely stay in Spain.
Linguistically, that's definitely the best solution.
Icon: The mirror
