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Paula, 33, asks: “I've been working as a lawyer in a large law firm for three years. I rose amazingly quickly. I have always been very lucky and have good mentors, and I think I was in the right place at the right time. My performance reviews are always very good. Nevertheless, I constantly doubt myself and my abilities. How do I manage to gain more confidence in myself and not tear myself apart? "
Dear Paula,
first of all I congratulate you on your extraordinary success.
Probably no one is astonished by this except yourself.
It sounds like you can't quite believe that your advancement has to do with your very good qualifications and achievements - and not with luck.
Have you already listed what you have done for it?
If not, be sure to do so in writing.
While you're on your track record, write down the reasons your supervisors and mentors encourage you at this point in your career.
There will certainly be quite a few.
I also congratulate these people on their competence in recognizing their potential.
So you can open the third list straight away, in which you write down the added value these sponsors, the law firm, colleagues and clients have from your work.
Make a success diary out of it.
Regularly see your success literally and factually.
The feelings and thoughts you have described even have a name in the specialist literature: the imposter syndrome.
People with this syndrome have a hard time believing in their own performance, even though others do.
Often times, they feel they have achieved their successes through luck and relationships.
They consider themselves - wrongly of course - to be fraudsters and have the feeling that they are not entitled to success.
These people are worried that someone will soon notice that they actually have no idea.
The pressure increases with every praise
For many, this fear is compensated by a high urge to perfect.
The critical search for the fly in the ointment leads to the fact that successes cannot be noticed and certainly cannot be celebrated.
Rather, the thought creeps in that it will definitely not work next time and that the circumstances were just favorable.
The fear of getting caught spurs many on to ever better performance.
People with this syndrome are extremely critical of themselves.
Even the smallest mistake does not escape them.
With every praise, the pressure increases to further optimize yourself.
Many studies see a certain disposition and a performance and competitive upbringing as causes.
If you, dear Paula, find yourself in the descriptions, I hope it will relieve you not to be the only one struggling with these feelings.
On the contrary!
If you want to know more about the phenomenon, I recommend the book by Sabine Magnet, who says of herself that she has the impostor syndrome ("And what if everyone realizes that I can do nothing? About fear, not to be good enough «).
"I'm good and I deserve it!"
How do you manage to doubt yourself less and gain more confidence in yourself?
Write regularly in your success diary.
It will empower you and make you feel positive.
Stick to the facts.
You are more likely to believe them.
Update your vita and let yourself be impressed.
It's there in black and white.
Learn to praise yourself.
That can also happen very quietly.
Ask yourself: What am I afraid of?
Is that really realistic?
In the worst case, what can happen if this fear is justified?
Learn to distinguish between feelings and facts.
For a while, write down the situations in which you doubt the most.
If you then recognize in advance that you are confronted with a difficult situation, you can react better and ask yourself whether this is really true and who is saying it.
A positive contrast, such as "I am good and I deserve it!", Which you then say out loud and several times to yourself, can help to drive away the doubting thought.
Use simple breathing exercises when the doubts get too loud and stressful.
If you concentrate on yourself and your body for a while, you will withdraw your attention from destructive thoughts.
If you express your doubts, keep your distance and conduct an inner dialogue with one of your mentors: »What would he now say about my doubts in this situation.
What would he advise me? "
Develop an affirmative understanding of your mistakes.
They are there to learn from them.
Create a break and treat yourself to things and people that are good for you.
Talk to friends about your doubts and fears.
Relieve yourself instead of tearing yourself apart.
Dear Paula, in the next few days you can start straight away with a little experiment called "pea counting": Put 15 peas in your left pocket in the morning.
Whenever you succeed, a pea finds its way into your right trouser pocket.
I am sure that at the end of the day your right trouser pocket will be full.
That couldn't just have been luck.
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