Expert explains: when a relationship is toxic

Created: 07/02/2022Updated: 07/02/2022 17:55

What makes love between two people toxic?

Psychologist Christian Hemschemeier in an interview about signs, consequences and possible solutions.

Munich – Not every relationship is characterized by love and affection.

Instead, if highs and lows alternate frequently, the relationship can be toxic.

In an interview with the news agency "spot on news", psychologist Christian Hemschemeier, author of "The New Dimension of Love" (arkana Verlag), describes when a toxic partnership exists and what the consequences are.

When is a relationship toxic?

Couple arguing: the woman seeks contact while the man stonewalls.

(Icon image) © NomadSoul / IMAGO

Christian Hemschemeier: The term is already somewhat blurred today.

I mean relationships where there is a selfish or otherwise walling partner and a dependent, allowing partner.

The dependent partner then develops the so-called love addiction, a condition in which one only suffers and can no longer sleep, eat or work properly.

However, not every unhappy or imbalanced relationship is automatically toxic.

Where does the term "toxic" come from?

Hemschemeier: The term originally comes from an American specialist journal from 1972. It describes a relationship between two partners who only stay together to escape their own loneliness.

The toxic relationship is the lesser evil in this case.

In America, the term "toxic" has been in use ever since.

He describes these drug-like, unhealthy relationships.

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When does a relationship start to be toxic?

Hemschemeier: In relationships that really deserve the name, there is a “lovebombing phase” first.

In this one you float on cloud nine and believe with every fiber of your body that you have found the right person.

Typically, after about three months, there is a burglary (cheating, crossing borders, lies are exposed).

From then on, the relationship oscillates between ever shorter "highs" and more and more "lows".

However, almost all those affected also report that there were inconsistencies right from the start.

Obsessive thinking is often the first symptom.

So relationships are toxic when they are accompanied by a lot of imbalances and manipulations - consciously or unconsciously - and you still stay in them, even though it damages you massively.

Again, you can see the parallels to addictions.

Is the frequency of toxic relationships increasing?

Hemschemeier: No, I don't think so.

The public focus is just more often on such relationships and society today allows much more freedom.

This raises certain questions in the first place. In addition, we date many more different people today than we used to.

How does a relationship affect the psyche of those involved?

Hemschemeier: Participating in a toxic relationship is ultimately not a satisfying experience for either of them.

In most relationships, however, it is primarily the dependent partner who suffers.

This leads to an increasing loss of self-esteem and control, which can lead to a variety of symptoms: fears, substance use, upsets, physical symptoms and much more.

Can therapy help in a toxic relationship?

Hemschemeier: If that means couples therapy: Usually no.

One of the partners is usually not interested at all or even tries to manipulate the couple therapist.

Individually you can of course work on self-love, standards and your insecure attachment pattern.

Most of the time, however, one tries to “save” the other person, which is of no use at all.

You can only work on yourself in the long term if you leave a toxic relationship and don't resume it.

This article only contains general information on the respective health topic and is therefore not intended for self-diagnosis, treatment or medication.

In no way does it replace a visit to the doctor.

Unfortunately, our editors are not allowed to answer individual questions about clinical pictures.