"How are you?" The least honest answer to this question. But what if? How do you react when the neighbor talks about her migraine while having a chat in the supermarket - or even the cancer diagnosis?
"If we ask someone in everyday life how he is doing, it is really only a courtesy phrase," says Christoph Sczygiel, social worker and speaker at the Haufe Academy. "We do not expect a long illness report, but also a phrase in response."
Especially in the US, this type of communication is widespread. In Germany, too, millions of people ask themselves every day about how they feel. A simple "good" as an answer is also common, but not quite as standardized as in the US, says Karsten Noack, communication trainer from Berlin.
"Many people actually use this question to communicate in detail, even if it's just the bad last night," Noack explains. For courtesy questioners these situations are then often overwhelming - especially if there is no close relationship with the other party.
Who asks, must expect an honest answer
"Very few people manage to take their time between the door and the door and maybe they do not even want to," Christoph Sczygiel has also observed. Karsten Noack has a clear opinion: "If you ask, you should expect to get an honest answer, and those who can not handle it should not even ask."
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"If the person does not belong to a close circle of acquaintances and perhaps just wants to let go of their frustration, one could try to stay with the phrases in order to restore some distance," advises Christoph Sczygiel. A sentence like "sometimes life is exhausting" is both appreciative and a signal not to go deeper.
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And the neighbor in the hall, who keeps telling about her depressive mood? When should you take this seriously and get involved? "Experienced people can rely on their intuition," says Peter Walschburger, professor of psychology at the Free University of Berlin. Most people felt that a person was actually suffering and needed help.
"If you want to help, you can ask the person how they are dealing with their problem," says Walschburger. "It's about having a caring, compassionate and solution-oriented conversation that allows the other person to develop their own perspectives without raising their moral finger."
Compassion, yes. To suffer too much, no.
It is often even more challenging when close relatives and friends inform us about a disease. Even then, it is difficult for many to hit the right note. Health psychologist Sabine Günther experienced this during her cancer illness. "Phrases are out of place," says the Bambergerin. A "head up" or "You can do that" is rarely helpful.
Peter Walschburger also advises against such phrases in such cases. "They sound so hollow and empty that they can hurt the victim." Just as uncomfortable Sabine Günther felt sentences that began with "You must now". "Patience should be avoided," she says. "Even sick people are free people."
To avoid these mistakes, relatives and friends should consider how to respond instead. Sabine Günther: "For example, my friend used to cook me something to eat when I was in the hospital, which showed me how much she was involved, and she knew what was really helpful at the time."
It is also important to show compassion, but not to overpower. "During my illness, I was busy trying to comfort others," says Günther. Also with advice you should be careful. "No sick person expects medical advice from a friend, and sometimes it just helps to listen."