"Grandparents' Day" in Bavaria: "What they have failed, grandfathers can catch up now"

Grandpa is the one who draws a ten-euro note at the end of an afternoon, after coffee and cake. Yay! Grandpa is also the one with the tool shed in the garden, in which there is so much to discover. And grandpa is the one with the thick photo album, Grandpa is a witness of the times.

The relationship between grandfathers and their grandchildren is particularly well researched and written down by social scientist Eckart Hammer: his book "Being a Grandfather" is about how to be a good grandfather. For the book Hammer evaluated the few studies that exist on the subject and spoke with grandfathers who shared their experiences.

The book should fill, says Hammer, a blank space: far too little attention would get the grandfather in research and teaching, not even in the old report of the Federal Government, which analyzes the situation of the older generation in Germany, the grandfather would have enough space.

The Free State of Bavaria has obviously felt the same way - and wants to honor the merit of grandparents exclusively: Bavaria was the first state to introduce the "Grandparents' Day", which is on 13 October and is celebrated with an "eventful family party" in Munich, according to the Bavarian Family Ministry with.

Appreciation for our grandparents: Bavaria introduces Germany's first grandparents' day. On the second Sunday in October, we pay tribute to Grandma and Grandpa, who do so much for their children and grandchildren. For the first time on the 13th of October!

"For now, a beautiful symbol," says social scientist Hammer, grandparents and especially grandfathers needed just like mothers and fathers also a special day of honor, make publicly visible, which family policy meaning grandparents have.

What makes grandparents so important? And why do grandfathers especially deserve special consideration? Eckart Hammer talks about this in an interview.

DER SPIEGEL: Mr. Hammer, in your book you write that men who have a grandchild have a second chance - the chance to catch up with what they have missed as fathers. What do you mean?

Eckart Hammer: For most of the men of the current generation of grandfathers, things were quite classic in the past: they worked full-time, while a large proportion of women worked part-time and were more caring for the children. The men were absent, worked hard, and learned too little about what the mothers had experienced: everyday life with children as they developed. This generation often lived by the motto: "My children should have it better than me." Grandfathers can now make up for what they have missed: As a retiree with a lot of time and in good health, for the first time you have the opportunity to actively take care of children.

DER SPIEGEL: Can these men really do that?

Hammer: Exactly that is the great challenge: But many of today's grandfathers, unlike their own grandfathers, when they meet children are no longer distant and unapproachable. When the grandchildren come to visit, they are engaged, get involved with the children and do a lot with them. But some people find it harder - harder than grandmothers. But one must not forget: Many of these men often had no good role models from which they could learn to be a grandfather.

DER SPIEGEL: Why do grandmothers seem to be easier?

Hammer: Because they are familiar with their role. They have taken care of little children, comforted them or put them to bed. For many grandfathers, this role is new. Although there are of course many who have no problems with it.

DER SPIEGEL: What kind of grandpa are you?

Hammer: None yet. Although I have three grown children, they have not yet made me a grandfather. But it is quite an advantage, as grandfather researchers themselves, to have no grandchildren - that has made me more objective. I did not run the risk of constantly involving myself as I am as a grandfather myself.

DER SPIEGEL: For the book you have analyzed the few studies that exist about grandfathers - and you have talked to grandfathers. How do you become a good grandfather?

Hammer: Actually, it's not complicated. A good grandfather is someone who is there for the grandchild from the beginning and does not wait for it to play football. Good grandfathers introduce children into worlds where parents can not introduce them because they lack the time or competence. Good grandfathers go out with grandchildren, camping, hiking, cooking, tinkering. They ask questions and give answers, but they are not educators.

DER SPIEGEL: How can you camp, cook and tinker with a child without educating yourself?

Hammer: By leaving certain things to the parents. When the teenager arrives and says, "Grandpa, I smoked a joint," then a good grandfather takes note of that, may also say his opinion, but does not punish. If the elementary school kid wants to stay up late, that may just be allowed. Table manners, which apply to the parents of the children, may be different with grandma and grandpa. Basically, if grandparents create free space without deviating too much from the pedagogical line of parents, they get a special place in the life of a child.

DER SPIEGEL: What to do if there are hundreds of kilometers between grandparents and grandchildren?

Hammer: Even then, children feel exactly when someone is interested in them and looking for contact - no matter how far away he lives. If the financial situation permits, I can only guess: visit your grandchildren as often as possible! But maybe you will not stay the whole week, because it can be quite long for everyone involved. If visits do not go: call, write.

DER SPIEGEL: Do grandfathers need Skype and WhatsApp?

Hammer: Sure! You should be familiar with these media in order to communicate with children and adolescents. Quick to ask how it works, send a picture. This is great about WhatsApp or other messenger services. But grandparents should also accept when children set boundaries and do not feel like talking. There are periods, for example, when the parents of a child divorce, in which grandparents can be very important caregivers. But there are also times when children do not need their grandparents at all.

DER SPIEGEL: And what if parents and grandparents can not stand each other?

Hammer: The principle applies: the way to the heart of the grandchildren leads over the hearts of the children. Both sides should spend a lot of effort for the relationship to work. If, until the 1970s, pedagogy and psychology assumed that children should be kept aloof from their grandparents, there is now a big consensus among experts: for children, contact with their parents' parents is important. It is the contact to an older generation, which has a lot to tell and which is an important reference for children.

DER SPIEGEL: Do you remember your own grandfathers?

Hammer: One of them died before I was born. The other, born in 1885, was a very nice man. I grew up with six siblings. Every four weeks we visited the grandfather. He liked to joke. But he was not a grandpa to cuddle, he would never have sat down on the floor with us and played with blocks. When we visited, he usually talked to my parents.

DER SPIEGEL: Your grandfather belonged to a generation of war returnees who came home traumatized - and often silent.

Hammer: The First World War was already a long time back and was never really an issue for us. My grandfather went to this war as a doctor, he told me a few war anecdotes. But I did not ask. Although there was much that might have deepened our connection. But he asked only a few questions, and I was just very young. When he died, I was 14. Later, with my father, things were the same: he almost never talked to us about his experiences during the Second World War and his imprisonment.

DER SPIEGEL: Sooner or later, many ask themselves what their father or grandfather actually did during the war. How can one learn more about these eyewitnesses before it is too late - and without risking the relationship with the silent father or grandfather?

Hammer: In the meantime, there are fewer and fewer opportunities for such talks, since only 90-year-olds are eligible. Grandsons often have easier access than children. If you do not get an answer to direct questions, there are tools to start talking: a photo album, for example, that you pull off the shelf, with the request to look at it together.

DER SPIEGEL: Is there anything you would like to tell your grandfather?

Hammer: Yes: Grandfather, too bad we talked so little. We missed a lot.