The anger is already locked

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• health
• parenthood

At the age of two, they flatten the floor of the mall, at the age of 5 they hit anyone who is near them, and at the age of 7 they use terrible words. Either way, any age of anger can overwhelm them, and discourage you parents. Here are some ways to help you teach your child to calm down, without penalties

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You watch your child and do not understand what is going on and how he is helping him now. He's angry, really, really angry. It looks like he's so angry that smoke comes out of his ears. He shouts, or beats, perhaps throwing objects in the air. He cries, he actually screams his cry, and maybe all of this makes you angry, really angry, and maybe even respond in a way that you will very much regret.

Still shaking? This is how you become friends with your anger

Anger is usually associated with the negative emotions, along with frustration, grief and anger. But I do think anger is an excellent emotion and that expressing and taking it out is important for our mental and physical health. Anger is an emotion that exists in all of us, a mental and physical response that often arises as a reaction to stress or aggression exerted on man. Anger may also be a reaction to the situation the person interprets as threat, conflict, injustice, betrayal or humiliation. Anger may also be an expression of frustration or failure.

Anger has some important functions for us: it allows the release of stress, physical and emotional, it reduces painful feelings, because the person concentrates on the wrong done to him and the counteracting that he does and lessens his hurt feelings, reduces the harm to the person's self-image, that transfers blame and anger to another Allows him to remain "free of guilt" and can certainly motivate a person to take action and change his reality.

In children, just as in adults, anger is a natural thing, which is an integral part of healthy emotional development. The children are confronted with different levels of frustration, most often due to a conflict between their desire for independence and their dependence on adults, and also the gap between their desire and need to accept things here and now and the limitations of reality and the need to wait, hold back, reject and sometimes even not.

Another accompanying parent:

This is what Tantrum looks like live

However, many parents feel confused, intimidated, afraid of their children's anger and ways of expressing themselves, and uncertain whether this is normal anger, whether the child has an emotional problem or difficulty in regulating his or her emotions, how to respond to the angry child, and how not to drift with him to this anger vortex . Here are some things to help you contain and respond to anger, divided by age, as children of different ages tend to express their anger in different ways.

Ages 1.6 to 4

At these ages we usually see tantrums - the tantrums. The anger erupts out of them quickly, in response to a very wide variety of situations and events: in front of the brother who annoyed them, in front of another child in the playground who prevented them from slipping into a slide, in front of the parent who refused to give them another snack, and more. The tantrum is most often manifested in anger, shouts and loud crying, lying on the floor, lowering the ground, throwing objects, and aggressive behavior. The child takes time, usually prolonged, to relax from the tantrum, and even if he achieves what he wanted, he finds it difficult to stop. Studies in the field have found that children aged 4-3 have an outbreak of anger at least once a day, and it has to do with the child's physiological needs and that he is tired and hungry.

Other reasons for the rage attacks at these ages could be: The child's desire to feel that he has an influence on his environment, that he has power, ability to control. One of the ways to feel power, influence and control is through externalizing behavior like a tantrum. Another reason is the child's difficulty expressing his feelings through the use of language. When a child has a language difficulty, when the language is still not spoken or acquired late and is still in control of it, he will come more into outbursts of anger because of the inability to express himself through the language.

Another reason is the difficulty in emotionally regulating these ages. Emotional regulation is the ability to accept what we feel in a particular situation, to process the emotion and thus to actually control ourselves, without falling apart or breaking out. Young children still find it difficult to regulate their strengths by processing emotion.

Our inconsistencies parents face with these tantrums also affect their prevalence. When parents respond inconsistently to the child's behaviors, sometimes surrender when the child argues with them or interrupt and sometimes break themselves in front of him and even apply punishment, they convey a message of "because I don't know what your reaction will be this time I should burst out and see if I can do it" and above. The prevalence of child outbursts.

How should we respond to the child's outbursts of anger?
When a child goes into a tantrum, he is lost in his emotions, in this huge tornado he is going through. He screams, cries, rages, salivates, tears run down his eyes and a trickle of nose drips. He is in real emotional distress, barely real and doesn't know how to cope. We, his parents, have to help him relax, get back to self-control and teach him to act differently the next time. Therefore, stay the responsible adult in the room.

Children aged 4-3 have at least one tantrum per day. Girl in the middle of a tantrum (Photo: ShutterStock)

Girl with a helmet in the middle of a tantrum (Photo: ShutterStock)

An outburst of anger in the child, which in some cases may be unexpected and even disproportionate to the event that created it, often causes parents confusion, great frustration, a feeling of helplessness and sometimes anger. However, we do not want to reinforce the child's feelings and increase the distress he is currently experiencing by shouting at him as a reaction or going wild. Our initial goal in a state where the child is in a fit of rage is to calm him down, because only when he is in a calm state will he be able to understand his behavior. So we must not drift into the storm with him, and calm ourselves down before we turn to calm him down.

It is important to make direct contact with the child, so stand in front of the child so that you can look directly at him, if necessary, go down to his height, stop him and tell him in a quiet, calm and assertive voice that he must stop what he is doing. It's important to make sure he looks at you and repeat the words again. You should try to hug the child if you think such a hug will calm him down. The hug comes both to remind the child that you love and accept him, and to set him the limits of his body to help him regain self-focus and self-control. Don't worry if you embrace him indicates that you accept his behavior or that the hug is a reward for his outrageous negative behavior. In many cases, a strong hug with the child allows him to relax and turn off. However, many children cannot stand being touched during a tantrum, and we do not force this touch on them.

Try to identify in advance the situations in which your child may get into a tantrum, such as when he is hungry, tired, bored or when you see that he is getting frustrated, and offer him time off in a quiet, neutral place, not as a punishment, but as a way to relax.

Ages 4 to 6

The child grows up, tantrums tend to be less common and their intensity decreases. The child is usually verbal and more capable of expressing his feelings in words and less in fits of rage. However, many children of these ages still go on a rampage with anger. While there are fewer flatbacks on the floor and headaches, there are still shouts and cries, throwing objects and strangling for those near him. At this point, parents usually find it difficult to discover the empathy they experienced when the child was smaller, and they respond angrily to situations like this, causing the situation to intensify.

Why is the child still expressing anger in the face of tantrums?
Difficulty in expressing verbally may make it difficult for the child to express his anger with words, and he turns to the way of expression he has considered and is familiar with. Children who have difficulty regulating sensory or attention deficit disorders are very difficult to regulate emotionally, and come to tantrums more often.

Stay in charge of the room. Mother hugs child (Photo: ShutterStock)

Mother hugs child in bed (Photo: ShutterStock)

There are also children whose patterns of thinking are rigid. They perceive what is going on literally, in terms of black and white, and find it difficult to see the grays that exist in life situations, they tend to focus on the details and find it difficult to see the big picture, find it very difficult to face new changes, transitions and situations, they prefer their routines and frameworks that maintain them . The general feeling is that they "don't flow." Children like these will reach tantrums more often and more often.

Parents who burst into outbursts of anger give their children an example of legitimate leadership during frustration, annoyance or helplessness, and children may acquire these patterns of behavior and adapt to themselves.

How should we respond to the child's outbursts of anger?
Everything that is said about the younger children has to be done here as well. In addition, they offered empathy but outlined behavior. Be empathetic to the child's feelings. He is really upset and he really does not know how to deal with this storm. It happened to all of us, didn't it? They told him "I see you are very angry now, I understand you" and meant it. However, you cannot allow aggressive behavior. If the children go to blows, kicks and demolitions, it is important to make it clear to him immediately that he must not hit, even during great anger, and it is very important to set the boundaries clearly when it comes to these actions. He was told "You can get angry, but you can't hit me." The child can be given solutions to break his rage physically by assigning a bumpable pillow or an erect Nachum doll that can be beaten until the rage breaks down, but he must know clearly that such behavior is acceptable only in such a way and will not tolerate such behavior.

Don't keep it away. In cases of tantrums, many parents, who seem to feel helpless and confused, tend to send the child into the room to relax there. However, during a fit of rage the child cannot relax alone in his room, and his feeling when he is sent there is that he is left alone lost in the eye of the storm. Invite him to talk to you, again express his empathy for his feelings and tell him yours, when you are really angry, helps to talk about it with someone. If the boy refuses to talk they are told he can stay alone if he wants to, but that you are here for him and will be happy to hug him and help him overcome his great anger when he wants to.

You don't agree with that. Two children violently (Photo: ShutterStock)

Many children (Photo: ShutterStock)

Determine with the child a set period of time, for example, from the time you collect your brother from the garden until after dinner and the shower, where you do not scream, do not slam doors, do not throw objects, do not spit and do not strike (behaviors that you are not prepared in any way during a tantrum). Be very clear in defining time and defining forbidden behaviors and make sure he understands and remembers. Don't choose many such behaviors, only 3-4. If he does, and doesn't take the time set in one of these behaviors, he can choose a surprise from the box of surprises you will make in advance with all the little surprises he likes. The goal is to reinforce positive behavior and destroy the negative.

In addition, give the child positive reinforcements, all the time, in any situation where he has managed to overcome his anger, frustration and distress without going into a tantrum. It requires putting the phone aside and watching the child intensely during your shared stay together.

Elementary school aged children

Children of this age will most often express anger through language, both verbal and written. This does not mean that they are not angry and much angry. In an ideal world, we would teach techniques and ways of expressing and managing anger at school, but for the moment it is usually an imaginative ambition. School children are expected to behave in a restrained manner and gather during the hours they are there, so they often return home and "explode." Sometimes it seems to us that there is no proportion between what actually happened and their response, but remember that what you see at home is usually the release and eruption of what had to be gathered and organized for long hours and the child no longer has the emotional power to hold on.

What can we parents do here?
Understand that the child's "angry exaggeration" response is often an expression of what has accumulated during the day and is therefore not always a fit for the annoying little incident that has happened. It is worth responding to the child's anger with gentleness, empathy and compassion and thus help him cope with his powerful emotions. Angry or punitive reactions on our part will only add to the stress and strain of the child as he feels so overwhelmed.

Once the child has calmed down, it is important to help him transcribe what happened and what he felt to understand the source of the rage and see if there were any other ways he could express it. The mere conversation about what upset our child and our recognition that something significant has happened to him significantly reduces the intensity of rage and calms him down. You can prepare along with him a list of legitimate ways to express his feelings, squashing a ball or nylon crackling, listening to soothing music, sports exercises, breathing exercises, meditation and the like. You can bring a box of relaxation with him, which he can use when angry. It can contain, for example, a coloring booklet and markers, a good smelling cream, kinetic dough, headphones and the like.

There are children who turn to cognition very helpful. They need to understand why and why things happen and this greatly affects their behavior. If your children like that, you can tell him that the brain has two parts: the brain that is impulsive, angry and unresponsive, and the brain that thinks, stops, activates brakes, and acts accordingly, and that it has to choose which part of the brain it chooses to use right now.

If you are impressed that the child has difficulty coping with his anger and finds himself lost in it and fails to acquire tools to take over and give it a proper expression, you should seek professional help. It is important that such help include both working with the child and training you, the parents, so that you know how to support your children and how to help him express his anger in legitimate ways.