Culinary catastrophes of confinement

Boredom can lead to the best of works or the worst of disasters. In the gastronomic field, two seconds of tedium are enough to decide to follow a recipe as it is or, on the contrary, to experiment a little to see what comes out. The latter are the cases in which boredom can crush coherence, irrationality logic, and pineapple carrot in a stew. Moments of -successful- lucidity that during this confinement seems to have multiplied, in view of the disastrous tests of alchemy that you have sent to Twitter both to us, with the jasca #confinaFAIL; Like this thread from HayHambre, the weekly gastronomy page of the satirical magazine El Jueves .

"Being confined and bored has thrown some inexperienced kitchens into the kitchen. We believe that a recipe is a slight recommendation to follow or that 'if I do not have broth, it will serve a culotte of vodka'. And then what happens happens" , says Carlos Escuin, writer of HayHambre. On April 15, after committing a tortilla crime for which he will have to appear before the National Court, he uploaded the photo to the section's profile and asked the tweeters to report their culinary crimes. They killed him without waiting and dozens of misdeeds appeared. "I think the thread has had such an impact because people have identified so much. They felt humorous, both posting their hellish creations and commenting on the failures of others," says Maribel Carod, cartoonist for this weekly page.

We are tired of so much cooking posture these days of confinement.

We want to see ugly recipes!

We want to savor the horror!

WE WANT TO SEE THE WORST POTATO TORTILLA IN THIS COUNTRY! pic.twitter.com/gc6mPwXrM5

Another expert who knows this cyclical increase in gastronomic indignity well is the emir comidista Mikel López Iturriaga. As he confesses, during the confinement he has committed two gastronomic attacks: some modern custard influencer , "that were left in a thick and mega-mousse mud that had nowhere to take it"; and a vegetable creamy sauce "that ended in its natural destination, the toilet bowl." As you can see, nobody is exempt from committing them.

But how can we avoid falling into these delusions? "Thinking twice before undertaking them. Calibrating well if the ingredients are going to go well, and if you are really going to achieve the desired flavor and consistency," says Mikel. In situations like the current ones, there is a real risk that, due to sheer tedium, we will lose our grip a bit and create Ferran Adrià. "We must be aware of the culinary limitations of each one, although we cannot martyr ourselves: human knowledge advances on the basis of trial and error," encourages the comidister leader with evident influences from modern science.

For this (without) reason we have compiled the strangest culinary inventions that you have sent to Twitter to the friends of HayHambre and to us. A selection that supports the thesis that, in this confinement, gastronomic creativity is overflowing.

Sausages

Sausages pic.twitter.com/aNjWVwZdX0

"This dish is well worth an originality award for its magnificent presentation and plating," says cartoonist Maribel Carod. Who knows if broccoli stuffed with frankfuts or hot dogs stuffed like black pudding with zucchini are served in a few years. There is no doubt that salchisantes have the pretense of looking healthy, but you can't quite believe them. Like McDonald's salads.

Pizza with Colacao

No questions are allowed, do not put things on the back. pic.twitter.com/J4Rt7BFWvs

I have always wondered who was the first to dare to eat a thistle or a prickly pear. Who were those brave men who did not mind dying if with it they could bring something good to society. We all knew that Colacao doesn't like cold milk, but what about baking it with a pizza? We had no idea about that. Luckily, this tweeter has taken the risk to prove it and humanity already knows that it is a real trick.

Chocolate fruit and vegetables

... and yesterday I was creative. banana, black olives, broccoli, tofu ... it was good until I grabbed an ounce of 85% chocolate! went to trash. pic.twitter.com/pjKEXgzFYr

Almost all of us like chocolate. Some even kill for Double Magnum ice cream. So why not mix in a bowl black olives, banana, tofu and broccoli with 85% chocolate? "What can go wrong?" Asked the user who sent us the tweet. What came next won't surprise you.

Strawberries with guacamole

My famous strawberries with guacamole pic.twitter.com/p6To0FDU3B

Mexico cries more than for the death of Cantinflas. "Frida Khalo turns in her grave," they respond from HayHambre. They never thought in the American country that their much appreciated guacamole would end like this, mixed with strawberries like any whipped cream. Vilified and reduced to the category of "dessert companion". The Virgin of Guadalupe will take us confessed.

"Pumpkin biscuit

"Pumpkin biscuit. With cornstarch because he could not find the flour and fructose so that Señorpadre could eat it. "Baked" in slow cooker. #confinafails pic.twitter.com/tKgqC6gmpM

Marta had roasted pumpkins but the taste was horrible. He decided to make a sponge cake with them. He had no flour and he used cornstarch, he couldn't put sugar in it and he took fructose. He did it "in a slow cooker" and, without intending to, returned to the starting point: not even a cat fed up with Whiskas ate it. A #confineFAIL manual.

Cream and strawberry sweets

Expectation vs Reality #confinafails pic.twitter.com/ZDRIrubInB

Many times the failure is in the referent. That of "my limits I mark myself" is not so, although the arms of the footballers say otherwise. The same thing has happened to Alba, who saw very cute and ultra-perfect sweets on the internet, but when she wanted to do them, reality returned shock and disappointment. They resemble both the originals and Lebron James to Federico Jiménez Losantos.

Omelette calzone

How about my omelette "calzone" stuffed with vegetables?
Too much filler, or I am very very bad !!!! pic.twitter.com/l6mKlHLyaB

Graphic definition of "whoever covers a lot, squeezes little". Jordi decided to innovate in this of fusion cuisine and wanted to fill an omelette with half a vegetable garden from Murcia (which will have been left without supplies after this, surely). Obviously, neither calzone nor omelette, but with a little fried tomato, ratatouille would have come out to eat the whole block.

Chocolate panna cotta with almonds

#confinafails I have to say that the almond chocolate pannacotta was great, but maybe I was a little short on gelatin.
Only a little. pic.twitter.com/ov1Z3EQNEV

It also happens that sometimes we miss using an ingredient in the recipe. Or we use it, but not in the correct proportion. Paula, for example, was short of jelly and she got an oil cake instead of a panna cotta . It tastes great, yes, but finer than a DIN A4.

Antitripophobic coronapudin

"Coronapudin anti-tripofóbicos" when trying to take advantage of some muffins that had also been a little fail. ACESOLUTO DISASTER #confinafails pic.twitter.com/xCDefbkN3i

This is how the tweet who sent us the photo has titled his creation. Apparently he made a double combo fail : he wanted to take advantage of aberrant muffins and a pudding came out that, if he could speak, he would be crying out for sacrifice. I am not lying if I say that the dioptres have risen when I saw this image.

Vegan bacon

Vegan bacon with carrots. I do not know why I do not assume that there is only one bacon and you cannot copy xD your French toast was also disgusting, but because I made it with ciabatta bread which was what was at home xD pic.twitter.com/li5HQ9HemN

And why not. The intention is good: Bacon in large quantities can be more damaging than a shot in a vital organ, so the vegan alternative can be a good resource. Helena tried it with carrots, and the result is ideal for any vegan who has been caught in the confinement lost in the Sahara desert.

Eschatological sponge cake

#confinafails I just made a cake that, in turn, has pooped.
In this you cheer up and you start adding more of the original recipe, a couple of saucepans of protein ... And it turns out shit, but literal. And a little dry, but fit pic.twitter.com/RshokxAXav

José Luis himself perfectly describes his monumental work: "In this you dare and start adding more to the original recipe, a couple of saucepans of protein ... And it sucks, but literally." I only hope that the Duphalac is not among the ingredients that he has missed the most (which gives me yes because of those bits that fell on the table). You screwed it up, José Luis.

Daffodil poisoning

https://t.co/Yfxhj9oz4f

Cinta's husband Sergio picked up a rather generous handful of what he believed was tender garlic. Surprise: they were not sprouts but daffodils. Surprise 2: they passed them through the pan and ate them. Final firecracker: daffodils, and especially their bulbs, are toxic. Luckily both Sergio and Cinta are fine, but surely they will not take a 20-euro bill from the patio.

BAD Cookies

My cookies🤦🏻‍♀️ #confinafails pic.twitter.com/7Clih3ef78

Let's all make the imaginative effort to believe that what appears in the photo are the most typical cookies in the United States. In such a case, we may be facing a very serious offense to the North American country, and we already know how they spend it when this happens. Tomorrow the author of this tweet has a Navy battalion deployed at her home to eliminate those weapons of mass destruction. At the time.

Musty flower tartlets

They were going to be some Sant Jordi flower tartlets, something went wrong, in addition to being ugly they are inedible 😂😂🌹 #confinafails pic.twitter.com/HrUKkc2CQ2

These Sant Jordi flowers have been sprinkled with a little plutonium or, perhaps, they are from the Sant Jordi that is celebrated in Fukushima. The tweeter who has perpetrated them comments that they were also inedible. Well, nothing, I hope that at least he had a good book at hand, because as one of Paulo Coelho's fell on him, the afternoon was done.

Suspended lollipops

My kids' homework assignments this week included a promising recipe for ham and cheese lollipops. I think we have suspended the quarter #confinafails pic.twitter.com/upVygfKjj8

The children of Victoria had the task of school to make lollipops of ham and cheese. She helped them prepare them, but the result was disastrous. In this case it would be worth the "the dog has eaten", although I am afraid that even with those they will get rid of going to September.

Torrijas without soul

#confinafails I swear they are French toast. Considering that I have had to adapt them to dairy-free and gluten-free and they are the first ones I do, they have turned out quite well. pic.twitter.com/BNxqqr0mMH

This tweeter swears that what appears in the photo are gluten-free and dairy-free French toast (and soulless, let me add). What I can't understand is the difference in size between all of them: no two are the same. Have you used the remains of a baguette and a kilo bread? There are many questions around these sweets.

Scrotal cupcakes

I would like to share with you my scrotal cupcakes. I have other great #confinafails recipes, but I think this has been the most inedible :) pic.twitter.com/lWuI76LaRU

Due to the shape and color, the cupcake on the right screams for an urgent visit to the urologist (not the one on the left, which looks much better). It is wonderful how the very nature of things is also entertained sculpting or drawing phallic shapes, like a bored teenager in class. Really, it is something that even mandalas do not achieve.

Stinked Cookies

These cookies were going to be some pestiños ... If you put them in the pan, the flavor hits the spot 🤪 #confinafails pic.twitter.com/4hx98iuLST

Ana's goal was to make pestiños, but some cookies came out the thickness of a memory foam mattress. Those Lenten sweets that at first believed so close, were lost and forgotten as a bad memory. But don't worry, Ana: we have all committed a culinary catastrophe in this confinement. You are not alone, far from it.

Have you done an experiment in the kitchen during these days that you regret? Leave us a photo in the comments or upload it to Twitter with the 'jasca' #confinaFAIL.