584,000 stepfathers for 212,000 stepmothers. It is a fact: the population of in-laws in France is mostly male. The observation jumps out at us when we read an INSEE study on this subject dating from July. Why are there almost three times as many?
“Three quarters of minor children living with only one of their parents live with their mother, either in a single-parent family, the most frequent situation, or in a blended family. In blended families, it is most often a mother living as a couple with a man, who is therefore a stepfather, ”explains the author of the study, Kilian Bloch, researcher at INSEE.
Most often, it is therefore up to these gentlemen to find their place in an already existing family nucleus. How did they meet the challenge? How did they manage to strike the perilous balance between the budding love story and the role of educator that imposed itself on them? Two step-dads agreed to testify.
"He had to know that he could always count on me"
Chang, blogger, stepfather of Clarence, 11
“I never pretended to be a father to Clarence, let alone the will to replace this figure. Some men who become stepfathers sometimes make the mistake of having these goals, ”notes Chang, creator of the“ Zen parenting ”blog. Clarence came into Chang's life in 2014. He is then her little neighbor, living on the other side of the landing with a very pretty mother, separated from the father: Amandine.
“We lived across from each other for three years. One day we chatted a little more than usual and our relationship was born. Her son was 5 at the time. It would have been natural for me to worry. I went from single to stepfather, it's a big upheaval. But no. I really wanted to experience it with her. Three months later, we moved in together, ”says the 30-something.
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How did he find his place within this already existing mother and son duo? "We got along well with Clarence but was this going to continue living together 24 hours a day?" I knew, after the fact, that Amandine had taken care to reserve me pleasant moments with her son so that a bond could be made, as during games for example. It was well done on his part! On education issues, I kept a little distance at the start. I watched Amandine, ”says Chang.
What did he take away from it? “I was brought up with very authoritarian parents. I told myself that since this technique had worked for me, it was probably the right thing to do, he explains in the preamble. Amandine, it's quite the opposite. With her son, she is very attentive, empathetic… and I noticed that her technique worked too well! Clarence was an exemplary, polite child, who exuded the joy of living. So there was no need to threaten a child with punishment to raise him well. This is what led me to create my blog. "
Clarence is now 11 years old and, for almost a year, a little brother: Saï, fruit of the union of Chang and Amandine, now husband and wife. “We felt Clarence had a lot of pre-birth apprehensions. The fear, no doubt, of losing his place, of being the only one in the home to have to go back and forth between his parents… I had to reassure him about that. Let him know that he could always count on me and that my affection was won for him, ”insists the 34-year-old man. No discomfort in this father-in-law costume then?
“A little bit at first,” Chang admits. And to mention the parent teacher meetings where you are not invited while you accompany the child in his school career. It brings up the weight of the other parent too. “You don't expect a third person to have such an influence in your life. Don't you have any say in when do we get Clarence? It is the grub of single parents. "
"She made me grow as much as I help her to do it"
Dany Mauro, actor, stepfather of Daria, 10 years old
“Our status is absolutely not recognized. We are there physically but not legally. The “stepfather” box on the forms should exist! Family constructions have changed so much… ”. Do not look for the joke in this sentence of the actor, humorist and imitator, Dany Mauro. He speaks very seriously about his connection to Daria, 10, his wife's daughter, Kika. No official place? Never mind, it will at least be symbolically anchored in their home. At home, Father's Day is also that of step-dads.
Children, Dany has none on his side. At 48, is this a project? “I went beyond that, slices the artist. It's true that I had a period where I told myself it must be nice to have a child who said to you “Oooh my daddy! », I will never hear it. But I do not regret, I prefer to be in this beautiful story which fills me perfectly. A beautiful story that has now lasted for five years. Dany will still have waited six months before being presented to Daria as being "the darling" of mom. It is because Kika first wanted to be certain that the love affair with Dany presented itself under the best auspices.
The impression for him to pass the oral of the Bac? “There was a little apprehension before the meeting, but everything was very natural. Either way, you can't cheat on kids. I did not play clown by speaking to him in an infantilizing voice for example. Mum was great, there was no reason it couldn't even be with her little girl. And it was true. I felt it right away, it was funny, ”recalls Dany Mauro.
He knows, however, that the situation could have been otherwise. “I had already had a story with a woman who was raising her teenage daughter on her own. It was very complicated and I was treated to the famous sentence "you're not my father!" ". In the four years we've all been living together, Daria hasn't released it to me yet. "She did not say it of course, but she was not without reactions when the family unit went from two to three ..." When her mother told her that I was coming to live with them, she is put to cry while asking but he will stay there every day? I was the intruder who came to break his balance, ”admits the artist.
And today ? " It goes well. I help her with her homework, I'm there for parent teacher meetings when the mom or dad can't get there, if her behavior isn't right, I tell her… ”, lists Dany Mauro who quickly drops the sentence: "I consider her as my daughter." It's simple. Daria made me grow just as much as I help her to. Sometimes it happens that he makes a little slip by calling me daddy. She recovers but I tell myself all the same that if she does, it's because she feels good with me. "