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Right now: this is how you will teach your children to deal with disappointments - Walla! health

2020-10-24T21:38:45.709Z


We do not have to tell you that life is full of disappointments, and you probably also know how to deal with them, but when it comes to children - our heart breaks too quickly. So how do you teach children to deal with unwanted realities?


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  • parenthood

Right now: this is how you will teach your children to deal with disappointments

We do not have to tell you that life is full of disappointments, and you probably also know how to deal with them, but when it comes to children - our heart breaks too quickly.

So how do you teach children to deal with unwanted realities?

Tags

  • parenthood

  • Children

  • disappointment

Tali Shrem, guest article

Sunday, 25 October 2020, 00:35

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Yes, life is disappointing at times.

A boy with a mask (Photo: ShutterStock)

Things do not always go as planned, sometimes things turn out differently than we wanted and expected, and this is to our displeasure.

When this happens, disappointment usually comes.

In this period of the Corona, we have learned many disappointments.

Whether it's about my job or about my kids' going to school.



No matter how old our boys and girls are, they are all about to face disappointments in life.

These can be small disappointments, like melted ice cream or a broken toy, or bigger and more significant disappointments, like not being accepted into the course of study we wanted or friendships that ended.

And while it is not easy for us parents to see our children disappointed, sad and suffering, disappointment is good and essential to their mental development, and even contributes to mental flexibility.

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To the full article

Michaela's mother came to my clinic with the following story: She and Michaela decided to go for a walk in the afternoon.

But in the end it turned out that she had scheduled work meetings until the evening in an unexpected way.

She did not want to disappoint her daughter, nor did she know how to prevent her from the disappointment that they would not reach the sea.

She explained to her that unfortunately today she has to work, so they will not be able to get to the sea.

Michaela burst into bitter tears.



How can her mother respond to Michaela's disappointment?

What can she do and say?

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First of all, it is desirable that Michaela's mother

give validity

to her daughter's feelings and be

empathetic

to her disappointment that today she will not reach the sea.

May she be there for her in disappointment, in the unpleasant emotion that floods her.

She can talk to her about being right, she's disappointed, and that maybe the situation also saddens and angers her.



There is no need to start trying to compensate Michaela, to distract her from the matter or to want her not to feel the disappointment, but on the contrary, like any other emotion (even an unpleasant emotion), it is better

to pay attention to this emotion

,

to know to put it

(name it).

Knowing how it feels, why it causes me and that I can bear it.



It is highly advisable

not to dismiss the emotion and

say things such as: "Not terrible, nothing happened" or "Nonsense, we will go to the sea another day".

Something happened to the girl.

She wanted to go to the sea and now she is not going.

She is disappointed and frustrated (maybe even sad and angry).

On the other hand, also

do not try to compensate her excessively and

say sentences like: "I promise to compensate you, I will buy you ..", or "I will take you to the store and buy what you want".

Emotions are like a wave.

Mother talks to disappointed girl (Photo: ShutterStock)

In addition, sentences like: "I do not want you to be disappointed ..." or "Do not be disappointed!"

Do not convey the right message, but a message that unpleasant feelings should be avoided and avoided, and that it is not good to be disappointed.

I want to convey to her a message that

disappointment is a part of our lives

, from disappointment one can grow and grow.



Think about

problem solving

.

When we notice that the children have calmed down a bit, we can ask them for solutions they can offer.

In Michaela's example, one might ask: "I know you are disappointed that today we will not go to sea, what can you do instead?"

Or "We can not spend our afternoon together, what do you offer anyway?".

If your children have difficulty proposing their own solutions, you can think of different solutions together.

However, it is better

to encourage boys and girls to think of their own solution to the problem

.

We want to teach our children to be resourceful and capable.

Who knew that even if things did not work out as they had planned or wanted, they had the mental strength to deal with them.



There are boys and girls who would prefer to process

their feelings alone and quietly

(who want you to give them "spice") so that they can be with themselves.

In that case, I can tell them I understand that they want to be a little alone with themselves now, and I'm available here for them whenever they want.



It is desirable to remember and remind our children that emotions are like a wave, they come and their intensity increases, and as time goes on, their intensity decreases.

What was once a fierce disappointment, over time its intensity will diminish or even disappear.

One can use this tool of reflection (looking at an event that happened) to look at the event I experienced, and to draw our children’s attention after a while to what happened.

In time, this will permeate and they will be able to develop this skill on their own.



It is worth remembering that sometimes the problem can not be solved or fixed.

Sometimes the ice cream really melted, or I was not accepted to the group I wanted ... to know that this too happens and disappoints (also sad, angry, scary ...), and just be there for them, supportive and loving.



Tali Shatram is a parent counselor and cognitive-behavioral therapist (CBT)

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Source: walla

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