To cross her, from time to time since January 2015, smiling, active, speaking, it was easy to believe that Corinne Rey, known as Coco, designer of
Charlie
and "survivor" of the attacks, had overcome the horror better than others.
We were wrong.
In “Dessiner encore” (ed. Les Arènes BD, 350 pages, 28 euros), the autobiographical comic that comes out this Thursday, she tells another reality, that of a descent into hell.
Better than others, in fact, she gave the change, too busy playing the new role that fell to her, that of "pillar" of the editorial staff, only 32 years old at the time.
It took him five years and a job of reconstruction to show another face.
Overcome modesty to tell in this book the guilt of being the one "who opened the door to terrorists", the constant state of bewilderment, the tears and the nights filled with nightmares, the loneliness, the wave of anguish that it still overwhelms it sometimes, and even the unbearable beauty of the world.
Between laughter and tears, meeting with a designer who has never wanted to put down the pencils and lower their arms.
The first question we want to ask is how are you today?
COCO.
It's okay !
Even though making this book was difficult.
We had to go back to those very hard times.
I cried sometimes, drawing these boards.
Sometimes I sweated, sometimes I hesitated.
I did it in pain.
But there were also pleasant moments, when I evoke the life of Charlie's editorial staff, in this unique atmosphere, both hardworking and fun.
Luz had released "Catharsis" six months after the attack.
You, did you need five years to tell this story?
Yes, and it is a minimum.
You know for two or three years, I was really upset.
And then, we had to keep taking out the newspaper… I have a lot of white people during this period, a lot of things that I don't remember.
For two years, I did not see my daughter grow up, who was 2 years old at the time.
I needed time to extricate myself from the trauma.
The process time with the shrink to gain distance.
Me, I felt guilty for a long time… Today, I know that there are no other culprits than the Kouachi brothers.
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What prompted you to make this comic?
At first I didn't want to.
IM shy.
And then, some things are not recountable, not shareable ... But the end of the trial arriving (
Editor's note: it began on September 2, 2020
), I said to myself that it was time to take part in this collective story.
I also thought it would help me find the words when I was at the helm.
At the editorial office, we never talked about what had happened, not in detail anyway.
We didn't express what we felt.
Because we did not want to go back in there, and not want the other to go back in there ...
Is it also a way of testifying?
Yes, because I realized that my relatives were starting to have only a partial memory of January 7th.
That, already, it was starting to fade.
Every year, I go to the commemoration of the attacks: there are fewer and fewer people.
That saddens me.
I don't want people to forget those who are dead, I want people to remember their freedom.
In the book, you precisely describe the scene of your hostage-taking by the Kouachi brothers.
Have you talked about it often?
Before the trial, only to my shrink.
A bit also with my partner.
But I quickly felt that, anyway, I would always be alone with this.
People cannot access it.
In the book, I do not deliver everything.
There are metaphors.
When I couldn't find the words, I made silent drawings ...
What were your feelings after the attack?
Guilt and helplessness.
Do we sometimes say to ourselves: "Why am I alive?"
This is a question that haunted me a lot.
It's still chasing me, but I don't have an answer for it.
Did the trial help you overcome any things?
Yes, there is a before and an after trial.
To hear the other civil parties, all these testimonies, I felt less alone.
I tried to be precise, although I don't always feel comfortable with the words.
But it was essential to hear this need for common justice.
/ Les Arènes BD Editions
Where did this feeling of loneliness come from when you were surrounded?
But because we are necessarily alone, with that.
At least at first, others can't help you.
And then I didn't have time to take care of myself and I didn't realize that I was so traumatized.
Today, these anxieties are a little less present?
I advance in stages.
I'm learning to live with the 7th
(Editor's note: January 2015, the day of the attacks)
.
We try to live with it and breathe.
Sometimes events, like new terrorist attacks, send you back there.
It lives in me and it wakes up sometimes.
Do you still live under police protection?
Yeah, and we're working in a
bunker
.
But that's okay: I tell myself that my freedom is in my head, in my drawings.
The important thing is that we manage to make the newspaper.
These cops, they are there for our protection, we can only be grateful.
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Like Luz or Catherine Meurisse, did you sometimes want to quit the newspaper?
I sometimes had moments of fed up, moments of discouragement, moments when I didn't feel up to it… But the need to continue has always been the strongest.
Why this title, “Draw again”?
Drawing was a branch to cling to, in a survival reflex, so as not to think about 7. Drawing, for me, is an outlet, a passion, life!
And it is a title that allows us to look to the future.
Surprisingly, in the book, you draw yourself as a rather ugly and shapeless little woman, which is far from reality ...
I needed to create this guy, to take some distance.
I could make it evolve without really identifying myself.
I know it's weird when you talk about yourself ... But in the end, I like this character.
It's true that I don't give myself a gift, but I generally don't.
I don't have a hyperdeveloped ego.
Even though today I'm starting to have a little more confidence in myself.
/ Les Arènes BD Editions
In the book you say: "I live the experience of a death in me: that of recklessness".
Is that your record today?
Yes, nothing will ever be the same.
At 32, death is a distant idea.
Even though there were threats to
Charlie
, I always chased the idea that it could be so bad.
Maybe it was naive ... So yes, I was carefree.
It's over.
I no longer have the same relationship to life and death.
When we have lived through that, death, we often think about it.
To talk about the future, have you just agreed to become the official designer of Liberation, replacing Willem?
Yes, it was done very quickly and very simply, after a simple phone call.
I couldn't see how I could say no.
But it scares you to succeed Willem!
I'll see if I hold on!
It may be a small turning point.
I do it to surprise myself, to keep learning and because I want to draw again!
