Women talk almost three times more a day than men • If so, how will the two bridge the gap, and what can be done to remove the tangle of silence?
Some men prefer to be silent
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Many years ago, Dr. Loan Brinsendain of the University of California stunned the world after examining how many words women say a day compared to men. The differences found were enormous: men speak an average of 7,000 words a day, while women speak almost three times - no less than 20,000 words on the day.
The difference between the sexes causes friction.
Quite a few couples come to my clinic whose long silence has left an abyss in relationships, friendships, sharing, inclusion and intimacy over the years.
"These silences that are embedded in the relationship bring the relationship to erosion, and at the end of the day, the relationship becomes that of two cold partners in one apartment."
Men are silent, women are digging?
Many think that silent men are a cliché that belongs to the eighties, the men of today are seemingly progressive, enlightened, and they know how to talk about their feelings.
Indeed, the model of masculinity in the last decade has changed in many aspects, and yet, I find time and time again in my meetings with couples that quite a few men have a fundamentally different worldview than the way women see the couple or family cell.
Most of them are still confident that being men they should be loyal to the machoism agenda.
In their view, they are not supposed to be sensitive, they are required to hold on and be strong, especially in the Israeli society that sanctifies machoism, which for the most part relies on military life and heritage.
There are men who give expression to their feelings, but at the same time there are women who do not know how to contain it.
These are women who "suffer from male markers" in terms of worlds, which in their view are divided between black and white, they tend to think more rationally than emotionally, which is another characteristic that distinguishes men from women.
Men in such relationships often feel threatened, an issue that adds to their choice of code of silence and lack of sharing.
I often notice in many couples that they do not really have an acute problem, all the problems they count are characterized by an inability to communicate, talk, listen and share.
All the background noises they experience in the relationship stem from a lack of communication and a lack of understanding of each other.
the solution
"What do I get if I talk," she asked, addressed to me by quite a few men in one-on-one conversations I have.
Some of the men testified to me that in the past they had tried to talk, tried to answer and the quarrel or argument escalated.
Therefore, their default is to remain silent, which becomes a habit that does not benefit with the relationship.
Couples need to practice together.
They need to be sure that the other side understood what they meant so that things would not go awry.
Do not try to make conversations when one of you has just returned from work, or when your spouse is busy with housework or with the children.
Make yourself comfortable times to talk, like at the end of the day leisurely over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine.
Create your time and build authenticity in the conversation.
From here you will also build your relationship, strengthen the sharing and create trust between you.
Speak in a positive attitude, keep quiet tones.
Instead of saying what is wrong, you can find out what can be done differently.
Do not assume that if something bothers you, then you are necessarily the ones who are right, consider that the other side also has something to say, and it is important to hear it.
Mostly, try to generate empathy and see how things are perceived and interpreted in the eyes of the other side.
It is not for nothing that it is said that life and death are in the hands of the tongue, there is no doubt that at least in many aspects that build a relationship, this statement is true and relevant.
The writer is a personal and couple therapist, and can be contacted here