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What makes my child bully - and how can it be stopped? - Walla! health

2021-09-15T04:44:02.930Z


Did you find out that your child organized a boycott in class? Does your daughter behave violently towards a friend? We asked to examine what makes children choose to be on the offensive side, and how to stop it >>>


  • health

  • parenthood

What makes my child bully - and how can it be stopped?

Most parents prefer not to think about this option, but it is certainly possible that your child is violent, abusive or embarrassing to another child in his or her class.

We sought to examine what causes children to be on the abusive side, and how to help them stop the misbehavior

Tags

  • hooliganism

  • boycott

  • Shaming

  • Education

  • parenthood

  • Children

National Foundation

Wednesday, 15 September 2021, 07:12 Updated: 07:36

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There is no parent who does not send his children to educational settings with a particular fear and prayer that they will not be harmed, humiliated or insulted.

And this fear is well-founded - children from kindergarten to military adults suffer from ridicule, shaming, exclusion, humiliation, bites, beatings, sexual assault and other forms of creativity and violence, which is very frightening.



But just before we fear that our children will become victims, how will we react if we find that our son or daughter is actually threatening others and adopting violent behaviors?

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To the full article

Before we are filled with a sense of severe parental failure - it is important that we understand that our behaviors are purposeful, and even if the path is negative, the ultimate aspiration is actually positive, and seeks to bring us to a situation where we feel loved, wanted, accepted, capable and belong to family and society.

From indulgence to a sense of inferiority

The reason for making a mistake along the way can be sitting on a variety of emotional difficulties or physiological disabilities, but also coming from the relationships we have at home, the family atmosphere and the lifestyle the child has adopted as a product of all of these.



A family atmosphere based, for example, on power relations and inequality, one that distinguishes between the dominant and the controlled and glorifies the strong over the weak, may lead the child to the conclusion that in order to belong to the family and society, he must be strong, decisive, and decisive. Powerful.

Children who have been weakened or attacked on their own and have not directed their pain towards the abuser will direct the negative feelings that have accumulated in them towards another factor.

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Even a child who faces a lack of life experience of warmth, love, encouragement, acceptance and response to the physiological and psychological needs he needs to grow and develop properly - may despair of life and turn his hopelessness on himself and others to thwart any intention to help him.



At the other end of the scale, Alfred Adler, the father of Adlerian theory, places indulgence, and thus, he claims, even a girl whose parents treated her like a princess, who removed every obstacle and provided her with countless unnecessary services - would go out into the world without the ability to cope and believe in her abilities.

A pampered girl who is used to getting everything she wants, always and quickly, will express the dissatisfaction and demands she is accustomed to towards adults and children who are around.

Attempt to increase their own value by harming another.

A boy harassing a girl (Photo: ShutterStock)

Similar to neglected and pampered children, who suffer from a lack of sense of ability and recognition of their inner strengths, children who face some kind of disability are at risk of developing a superiority complex.

As compensation for the gap that exists, in their eyes, between them and others around them, and to lift their sense of worth - they will hurt and demean others.

Stop and recalculate route

So if you found out that your daughter is defaming another girl from the stratum on social media;

That your son is throwing objects at the heads of friends from kindergarten or that your little girl is leading a boycott of a new girl who has come to the neighborhood - it's time to uproot the pain.



It is highly advisable not to deal with it alone, and to involve, first, the educational factors.

The school counselor, gardener or class teacher has the tools, experience and familiarity with the various treatments.

If it comes to personal injury, or posting of a video that contains nudity or sex, you need to consult a social worker, youth or with the professional staff of organizations and associations working in the field, and to contact the police or medical causes.



In any case, the change in the perception of parents - essential and can provide an answer to cheat The boy's high frustration, his lack of self-belief, his improved sense of security and worth and his recognition of the emotional state of another girl or boy.

Where do you start?

Open and Mixed Discourse


After we take a deep breath, we will understand that our child's pain requires tailored treatment and response, just like the pain of the victim - we will devote time and emotional appeal to open discourse and parental involvement.

We will listen to our child, hear what he has to say about the incident, without confronting and opening a cross-examination.

We will try to understand the event, how long it lasted and how our child feels about his involvement in it.

Emotions can be legitimized, but clearly and firmly - we will make it clear that there is no room for acts of assault and violence of any kind.



The containment of pain,


our sense of disappointment and the arrows of criticism waiting to be pulled out - we will be left out of the room.

We will contain the child's pain and provide him with family backing, support, unconditional love and full of encouragement.

Thus, it is likely that he can, gradually, develop self-belief and courage to try to choose positive behaviors and cooperation.

Leave anger and criticism aside, and try to really listen.

Mother and daughter (Photo: ShutterStock)

Separation between the doer and the doer


on the one hand, it is important that we teach our child to take responsibility for his actions and choices, but on the other hand, to leave a lot of room for change and positive movement, and not lower his self-esteem - we will not label him 'violent' or 'bully' We will talk about our non-acceptance of the behavior.



Strengthening the empathy muscles


Parental modeling that works with respect, compassion, helping others and a family atmosphere that recognizes the subjective perception of the other - will help establish in our children a sense of empathy that is so important to avoid hurting the other. Thanks to the empathic ability, our child will be able to better understand even those who are different from him, feel his pain or suffering as if it were his own and want to act to reduce or prevent his distress.



Frustration training


Since dealing with frustration is a critical lever for development and growth, it is important that we contain our child's frustrations and help him practice rejecting gratifications and dealing with gaps between what is desired and what is present, in a way that is appropriate for his age. We will not run away from any obstacle or fix any problem for it nor will we feel sorry for it or break down ourselves every time when we are not satisfied, unable to do anything yet, or not meeting our and society's expectations.



What is? We will know that he and we can deal with what has come our way, we will believe in his ability to behave according to accepted behavioral codes, we will continue to strengthen his sense of worth by reflecting the positive forces we have identified, and together we find alternative solutions to dealing with frustrating situations. and so').



Creating an alternative space for expression and acceptance


Get involved in your child's daily experiences.

Allow him to express himself, create an open space in the house for discourse and consultation, assist him in mediating social situations, divert his attention if his reactions are driven by social pressure, and open up alternative ways for him to be accepted and admired within the peer group.

For example: remind him to greet the company that is celebrating a birthday today, encourage him to go out cycling with classmates and enroll him in classes that focus on social games and cooperation.

Share with your child the ability to repent and draw for himself a different future.

Sad child (Photo: ShutterStock)

Responsibility Education Some


distance from the initial discourse, teach your child that he or she should bear the consequences of his or her choices.

As he grows older and enjoys unnecessary degrees of freedom, he must recognize the implications and logical consequences that his choices have for his life and the lives of others.



Encouraging the expression of remorse


alongside the poignant reality, share with your child the ability to repent and draw for himself a different future.

Talk to him about the wrong choices you have made or tell him about a personal failure you have had and emphasize the abilities and mental strength you have found to overcome and express remorse.

In cases of injury to another - there will not always be room to express remorse in front of the victim, and this should be done in conjunction with educators or a professional caregiver, but it is very important to express it orally and even in writing, even into the drawer.



At the same time as confirming the treatment of the victim, continue to be on your child's side.

He needs you, your faith in him and your support.



Keren Artzi is a parent and family facilitator, the Adler Institute

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Source: walla

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