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Until there is a real routine: this is how you will keep the boundaries in front of the kids

How do we manage to maintain boundaries in front of the children even during the challenging holiday month, without it ruining our vacation plans or the good atmosphere in the family?

Parent counselor with 3 golden rules

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• parenthood

• parents and children

• Holidays

• family vacation

• Parental guidance

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Friday, 17 September 2021, 00:15 Updated: 00:18

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Laws and boundaries are a necessary condition for the mental health of our children.

But for quite a few parents, applying the boundaries is not a simple challenge, especially during periods when we are all out of the routine, such as on holidays.

The holiday season invites parents and children to get out of the routine and familiar frameworks that dictate a clear agenda (studies and kindergarten for children, and work for parents), along with more time together, meetings with extended family and joint activities such as trips, vacations and more.

Many parents feel that their children are "coming out of reset" during this period, what is more, it comes right after the great freedom that is also one big departure from a routine, and finds it harder for them to maintain boundaries.

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In this way, you will empower the children socially and emotionally at home as well

To the full article

Have you ever wondered why it is difficult for us to set boundaries?

The reasons can be very varied: maybe we think the child might love us less?

Maybe we have a hard time enforcing the laws?

Maybe we grew up in a house that had a lot of strict rules, and we decided that this is not what we want to happen in our house and then do the exact opposite?

Maybe because setting boundaries requires perseverance and determination, which is our least powerful part?

Maybe we just do not know how to do it without ruining the relationship with the kids?

Maybe you just do not know how to set boundaries without destroying the relationship with them?

Parents and children (Photo: ShutterStock)

Let us not get confused and think that in order to be an authoritative parent we must be aggressive, act domineering towards the child, make him obey through commands, punishments and threats.

It will in fact be an abuse of our authority.

Being an authoritative parent requires us to be a kind, close and investing character, a calm and soothing character.

3 golden rules in setting boundaries

First and foremost it is important to know that

we set the boundaries for ourselves.

As soon as the child speaks insolently, curses or shouts, show him that this is where your border crosses. Get up, let him or her know you are not being talked to like that, and leave the place. When we set boundaries for ourselves, we teach our child about human dignity.

Similarly, there is no need to say the same thing a thousand times. If we respect ourselves, it is said only once. For example, if I want my child to go in the shower, do not repeatedly tell him "Well, come in and take a shower already. How many times do I have to ask?" Instead I would approach him and ask, "Are you turning off the TV or me?" Or I will explain to him simply: "Now let's go take a shower because it's very important to me that we sit together for dinner."

Our child needs to meet a parent who when he says something he also does it - such a parent can be trusted.

Understanding that screens must be in a healthy dose will help you set a limit and mediate it for children.

Children on screens (Photo: ShutterStock)

When it is clear to the parent - it is clear to the child.

When our child needs a medicine, we make sure to give it exactly as the doctor explained, and why?

Because it's his health.

We must treat children's education as we treat their health.

If it is clear to you that things like screen time, eating sweets, sleeping hours, etc. should be limited, it will be more natural for you to mediate this to your children, explain to them what the logic behind it is and stay consistent until the child learns it himself.

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Do not forget to give them notice before you want to fold, it's part of coordinating expectations with them.

Family traveling (Photo: ShutterStock)

Before we leave the house with the kids we will adjust expectations.

That way things will be clearer and in this way we can also encourage desirable behavior.

How do you do that? An introductory conversation that will describe in simple words the plans for today and how you would like the day to be conducted with the children: "We are going on a trip today and I trust you to have a successful trip." Or: "When we get to the mall we will not be able to enter the gymboree like the last time, instead I will need your help at the supermarket."

We will also remind them in the car that everyone will be responsible for their behavior, because that is our limit - we do not drive when there are shouts and quarrels. It can be suggested that everyone in turn play the song they like, ask the child who regularly opposes wearing a seat belt to be the one responsible for not moving until everyone is wearing a seat belt (if you give him a role, he will feel significant and less busy resisting).

When we get there, we can share with the children the amount we have allocated for spending, and let them be partners in deciding what we will spend the money on.

By doing so we will make them feel that we trust them and consult with them.

And before we want to go home, let them know.

It is advisable to let them know a quarter of an hour before returning home ("Kids I need your help getting organized at home").

When they cooperate, we will encourage them and remind them how much pleasure they make us and how much fun it is to spend time with them.

Coordination of expectations with young children will be done mainly regarding safety rules.

There is no need for intimidation, we will explain to them what might happen and what they should avoid ("Soon we will reach a crosswalk do you remember we do not leave hands?").

Hofit Behari is a parent counselor and group facilitator

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