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How to talk to teenagers?

Most teenagers roll their eyes and close their ears, sometimes even slamming a door when we try to talk to them.

"He's not talking to me," the parents complain, and actually mean "he's not listening to me!".

Why are they not listening to us, and how do we increase the chances of that happening?

Tags

• parenthood

• Adolescents

• Adolescence

Roni Langerman-Ziv

Friday, 22 October 2021, 07:00 Updated: 07:05

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How does your adolescent react when you go to talk to him?

"Off mom not now" or "I have no strength for your digs", combined with the classic combination of growling / slamming a door / rolling your eyes - there is no need to delete the unnecessary, usually all the answers are correct.

"But why does he not want to talk to me?"

Parents complain.

Why?

Because in his eyes, nothing good will come out of this conversation.

After all, if we wanted to say a good word to him, pat him on the back, pardon him, we would already be doing it on the road without initiating a conversation, right?

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He realizes that preaching is on the way, and he (rightly so) does not really want to hear again how much he underestimates his studies / does not fulfill his chores at home / how he lives in this pigsty and still brings his girlfriend / leaves behind a filthy kitchen every time he tries to cook something and it Always after you have just cleaned - and again, there is no need to delete the unnecessary.

I mean, it's not that they do not want to talk to us, they do not want to hear how wrong they are.

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To be honest, our "talk" is not really a conversation.

It's a monologue, a speech, a sermon, an "excavation."

We're coming to release steam.

We ask "why are you ..." but not really waiting for an answer.

Because "why" is not a question.

"Why" is a word followed by a critique and rebuke speech.

And who wants to hear such a speech?

Probably not growing up.

So what do they do?

Put us on Mayotte.

Rolling eyes, max doing a monotonous "ah-ha" with the head like the dogs on the dashboard.

And when we realize they're not really listening, we're just more annoyed.

So what do you do?

We will respond at the right time and place - to them

: good communication is one that suits the recipient of the message, and not the moral.

When we land on them as soon as we get home from work and they are immersed in the computer / phone / conversation, this is really not the right time for them.

Many parents choose to initiate conversations with adolescents when they are a captive audience - in the car.

It is important to make sure that only they are with us in the car without any more siblings or friends.

You can also woo them a bit: make them a sandwich, even order them at a cafe, and put phones aside for a moment (us too!).

: Check if they are available, ask for their time: "Do you have a moment for me?".

And if he says no now, ask when yes - and determine: "After you finish the episode / game / another quarter of an hour?"

Then come to his room or call him to the kitchen at the time we set.

Adolescents have no patience for our digs.

Reach the message straight.

Teens from the series Sex Education (Photo: Netflix)

Come calmly: Do

not talk when we are at the peak of our nerves. In general, with no one. The truth is we are not talking at that moment, we are screaming. And when someone is shouted at, he chooses one of the three known Fs: runs away, freezes or fights. And these are really not the situations we want our teenager to have. We went into the house and the kitchen was upside down? We have two options: clean ourselves or take a deep breath, count to ten (at least) and ask him calmly (without "How many times have I said that?", "Everything I do in this house", and "What am I your slave ?!"). It is important that we talk about it because it is repeated almost every day? We will wait a few hours for us to speak from the head and not from the anger.

: We have already realized that adolescents do not have the patience for our excavations. Want to dig? Talk to a friend. She has all the patience, and also tons of her own steam to share. We will reach the adolescent with the "message stack". A short sentence of what is important for me to say. Not to spill all our little black notebook on him with all the things he was wrong with last week. We will choose one topic, summarize a short message, and we will get straight to the point.

: As in a feedback conversation at work, it is important to start with a good word to conquer the listener, who will understand that we are truly in his favor. Feedback is said in a sandwich of encouragement: start with a good word ("You know how much we love you ..."), continue with our short "message stack" from the previous section, and close with another good word ("We trust you that ..." ). And between them: without "but", without "pity" and without "I told you" (and also as stated without "why are you ...").

Want to know what they are going through?

Also tell what you are going through.

Sad teenager (Photo: ShutterStock)

Let's sum up

: after all, a conversation has a purpose - to take matters into its own hands in studies / order / tasks / screens / hours of sleep and the like.

If we repeat ourselves as a parrot, it is better to give up.

If we want to reach a result, we should come prepared with a framework and degrees of freedom within it, so that negotiations can take place and the adolescent will feel that he also got what he wanted and not just succumbed to our desires, and especially so that it would last.

For example, the subject of the chores: "Dishes and laundry should be done every day and the garbage removed" (this is the framework).

"In what task do you choose to help?"

(This is the option of choice).

And we will also summarize what the result will be when it is not done.

For example, there are screens - only when you finish the tasks (these are just examples of course, choose the topic and result that suits your family).

: Not all calls are demand and preaching.

Sometimes we want to understand what is going on with the adolescents and not succeeding.

They say "everything is fine", and we see the cloud on the face.

In such a case it is important to ask ourselves two questions: one, do we convey (from the best intentions!) That everything should be perfect, that with us always "everything is fine", and then they just imitate us ?;

And second, do we share with them what we are going through, and not necessarily happy things?

And if not, initiate such conversations, in which we recount what we screwed up, fell, got pissed off (and without asking "and what about you?").

The more we create an atmosphere of sharing and openness, the more we broadcast that our home is the safest place to be ourselves without masks - so the teenagers will understand that we can share in less glamorous moments and we will be there for them truly, without judging.

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