"But I want to!": How to train children to reject gratifications and deal with frustration

Delaying gratification is one of the most difficult challenges for children and as any parent knows, can also take away from them a hint of frustration.

But in sports - even these "muscles" can be trained.

This is how you do it

Tomer Kamil

29/11/2021

Monday, 29 November 2021, 13:20 Updated: Wednesday, 01 December 2021, 06:45

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Many are familiar with Walter Michelle's Marshmallow Test, a psychological study of children that has shown that children with a developed ability to reject gratification will be able to develop better social abilities in the future.

In the famous experiment, four-year-olds were faced with a dilemma: a researcher who entered the room served each child marshmallows and said that the child was allowed to eat the candy when he left the room, but if he refrained and did not eat, he would get two marshmallows when he returned.

The children's reactions were filmed with a hidden camera.

Two out of three ate the marshmallow.

All the rest managed to hold back to win his third marshmallow.

The study's authors continued to monitor children for 14 years after the experiment, and found that children who refrained from eating marshmallows became better students, developed better social skills, and even coped better with frustration and stress compared to children who ate marshmallows.

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He who manages to resist is more successful in life.

Child takes candy (Photo: ShutterStock)

Delaying gratification is one of the most important skills in life, and parents should be aware of its importance.

Many parents are tempted - especially nowadays, in a world where the abundance of stimuli is celebrated on a scale unparalleled in human history - to please the child at all costs, in order to achieve "industrial quiet" in the short term.

But if this pattern is repeated over time, it will ultimately harm the best interests of the child in terms of his ability to cope with challenging life situations, in all areas.

What is less well known to many parents and critical to improving children's ability in this regard is that rejecting gratification is a muscle that can, should and should be developed and trained.

There are four different types of frustration situations

• You do not always get what you want - the child wants ice cream before dinner.

• Things do not happen as planned and expected - planned to go to the movie, but no tickets left.

• The child has to stop an action that he wants to continue in order to do something that is less pleasant for him to do but he has to do it - he watches the series, and he has to turn off the TV to do homework.

• The child avoids for fear of failing - he does not attend classes because he is afraid he does not know the correct answers and will be laughed at.

Dealing with frustrations and improving the ability to reject gratifications are muscles that can be trained. Here are 4 tips that can help shape positive and beneficial behavior in children:

- it is not recommended to expose the child to considerable frustration at a time that will be very difficult to withstand, but to challenge him gradually: One training day after a long period in which we did not train. The muscle's ability to reject gratification should be strengthened gradually and considerately, in "small portions" each time. For example, if the child has difficulty withstanding his craving for a large amount of sweets, it is advisable to lower the amount of sweets he needs every once in a while, rather than abruptly disconnecting him from anything sweet. This will increase his chances of meeting the challenge each time and help him deal with frustration in the best way, less difficult and painful for him.

Such as breathing exercises, relaxation, counting to ten and the like.

I teach the same tools in therapeutic sports classes and practice them together with the children.

Once the children have mastered the coping techniques we have learned, they will perform them in difficult situations in different contexts of their lives.

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Every child has abilities and strengths.

It is known that every child needs an adult who will believe in him and see them, strengthen and empower him so that he can realize his potential.

Once a child knows he has abilities, that he is able to meet and improve tasks, he will experience less fear of failure and will keep trying.

All this can be achieved with the help of a skilled instructor, who will know how to identify each child's strengths and use them to make him believe in himself and persevere in practice until he succeeds, which will greatly affect him in all other areas of life, including other settings.

- I encourage parents to praise their children whenever they can barely stand and reject satisfaction even if it is really small and short-lived.

In this way the child's positive behavior will be strengthened and he will gradually learn to give up immediate gratifications.

The muscle's ability to reject gratification should be strengthened gradually and considerately, in "small portions" each time.

Frustrated girl with scooter (Photo: ShutterStock)

7 Guiding Principles for Strengthening Abilities in Children:

1.

You should talk to the children and prepare for the possibilities of different situations of frustration in day-to-day activities.

Try to build an environment that avoids criticism, anger, and punishments that may harm the delicate fabric of parent-child relationships.

Try to consider the personal pace of each child and put him in situations of frustration in small portions.

For example: Do not give up on a child so easily in the tacky game he loves.

Practice counting a few seconds before getting something fun for the child - "Let's count to ten and then you will get the Kinder Surprise".

Talk to your children about the importance of training and perseverance, about the fact that abilities develop through frustrations and dealing with them throughout our lives.

For our desire sometimes not being realized immediately but after an effort.

5.

Set a personal example for your children of the ability to reject gratifications.

Give the compliments for perseverance in the execution process and not just for results.

If a child gets used to receiving reinforcements only on achievements, he will seek the reward immediately and will not learn to reject the satisfaction of success.

In moments of outbursts of rage, try to stay calm and remember that it is not personal against you.

Also try to avoid asking the children "why?"

Because such a question will not help them overcome, but may even aggravate the situation.

An angry child does not know why this is happening to him, he is unable to express his feelings and frustration verbally so we can help him get out of his distress in other ways.

Each child will find a different way - some will relax with a hug, others will prefer a break with themselves or we will sit next to them with active listening.

• health

• parenthood

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• parenthood

• parents

• parents and children

• Social skills