Examine yourself: Do you even know how to be an authoritative parent?
We all strive for children to listen to us and respect us - or in other words to perceive us as an authoritative figure.
But we do not always know how to be authoritative in front of the children and the result is parenting that ranges from too permissive to too rigid.
This is how you will find the middle
Yael Schneiderman
24/12/2021
Friday, 24 December 2021, 07:40 Updated: 07:48
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As parents, we all want our child to listen to us and respect us, that is, to perceive us as an authoritative figure.
But do we really know how to be authoritative?
In the past, authority was expressed (among other things) in forcefulness, distance and was sometimes achieved through fear.
Today the situation is different and the perception of authority has changed, all the more so when it comes to relationships with our children.
Therefore, the gap in understanding the concept of authority has created a confusing situation where we do not know how to be authoritative in front of our children.
Therefore most of our dealings with them range from the extreme extremes of parental rigidity to permissiveness.
Let's take a moment to look into our relationship with our children and try to understand where we stand.
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To the full article
How do we identify parental rigidity?
Stiffness can be manifested in the fact that if our children do not listen to us we in turn will not listen to them back.
In that case, I as a parent can exercise my power and superiority in the form of punishment or disregard for their desires.
How do we identify parental permissiveness?
Permissiveness can be expressed in the fact that we will not demand anything from our children and even allow them (almost) everything they ask for.
Parental rigidity does not promote parental authority, on the contrary.
Mother shouts at girl (Photo: ShutterStock)
What these two reactions have in common is that they do not advance our parental authority, on the contrary they distance us from it and do not establish our status in front of the children.
Why is it difficult for us to be authoritative?
The main difficulty lies in the fact that the perception of authority has changed and changes over time.
We as parents derive our perception of authority from the experiences and experience we had in our childhood - but these experiences are not relevant to our children's experiences.
So what is authority?
By Martin and McCubby's definition (who studied parenting styles and their impact) authority is a combination of demand and responsiveness, meaning an authoritative parent is a parent who requires his children to perform tasks, alongside responding and paying attention to them when they ask for help.
This is the middle ground between the dichotomy of rigidity and permissiveness.
If so, first and foremost in order to demonstrate authority we need to feel it from within, meaning we need to hold the position that we are the authority at home and even if the children oppose our demands, it does not mean they are undermining my authority but they have their own desires and it is okay that they protest.
The authority will be expressed in the way you will react to this protest.
Need to find the middle, without undermining.
Father and daughter (Photo: ShutterStock)
Remember, children have their own desires and these can be different from your desires, which is fine.
After all, we all want our children to have their own opinion and position and in order for them to develop these skills on their own, they need to experiment with it.
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How can one establish authority without feeling aggressive or complacent in front of children?
Do not be afraid to demand
- when you want your child to do something, tell them clearly what you expect from them. Do not give up on demand, as by doing things children learn to perform tasks and take responsibility.
It's okay if a child objects
- allow them to protest and express opposition, we all have different desires and needs. By allowing your children to resist they understand that you can stand up to their resistance and not try to wave them off or ignore them. Besides, who knows? Maybe they will convince you of what they are saying.
Listen to your child
- Listening helps to create authority, so by listening to your children they will see in you an authority that can be approached and consulted.
It's okay to say "no"
- It's okay to refuse, what matters is how you refuse.
Do not be aggressive in your response, but kindly explain to them why you refuse.
Children need to understand why they are not agreed to something, even if they do not like your answer (and this is probably what will happen), it is easier to digest "no" if you respect and explain why not.
The author is a therapist in CBT psychotherapy - parent guidance, counseling and care for children and adolescents.
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parents and children
Parental guidance