Today our dogs and cats are no longer just pets. Proof, this sentence that often comes up with their masters: "He is an integral part of the family." Yes, we love them, we cuddle them, we devote time to them. The concept of
pet parent
, more and more in vogue, is very revealing of the growing place that animals have in our lives. How then do they fit into the functioning of a human couple? Philippe Brenot, psychiatrist, couples therapist and co-author of
The Incredible History of Sex
(1), as evidenced by: “In therapy, few couples spontaneously talk about animals.
However, if we systematically asked questions about the relationship with the dog or the cat in the house, I am convinced that this would allow us to better understand certain things. ”
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Do you know the" dogfishing "and the" catfishing "?
A facilitated meeting
According to a study commissioned by the petfood brand Tails.com and conducted by Update France in March on a population of 1,000 dog owners, 40% say that the walk has allowed them to maintain a relationship with other dog owners or the neighborhood and even to create new bonds (for 14%), or even to meet a soul mate (for 37%). The advantage of a dog is that it actually forces you to leave your home. The opportunities to cross paths with a new person are therefore maximized. Moreover, the philosopher Charles Pépin recalls this in his essay
La Rencontre, une Philosophie
(2): “To meet someone is to get out of yourself, to tear yourself away from your position as a self-centered subject in order to open yourself up to the perspective of the other.
But in order to succeed in getting out of yourself, you still have to start by getting out of your home. ”
The animal "massive weapon" of seduction
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Walking the dog can suddenly have many challenges!
Even more if we have fun venturing on unusual routes, for the greatest pleasure of the animal, always ready to explore new places.
It is also easier to initiate a conversation with a stranger when you belong to the same community, that of
dog lovers.
for example.
And as long as the dogs have also approached (in their own way), they can represent themselves a metaphor of the meeting.
Men are the first to be surprised by the effect they generate in the street by holding a puppy at the end of a leash: we stop them, we talk to them, we stroke the dog, in short, the animal becomes "a weapon." massive 'seduction.
An American study showed that a man with a dog was more likely to get the phone number of a stranger in a park than if he was alone.
After the “stroller effect” - fatherhood unconsciously increasing the attractiveness of a man in the eyes of a single woman - the “canine effect” is much more recommended!
The checklist to check off before making room for it between you
● Be sure to want it together.
● Make sure that the animal will fulfill the same function for everyone and define the place that will be granted to it within the couple and the house.
● Anticipate the constraints that will inevitably fall on this new presence: daily life with him;
his guard;
its cost;
his education ;
his possible illness.
● Determine upstream how the tasks that will arise from his arrival will be distributed.
The first meetings
The animal continues to play several roles, despite itself, during the first romantic encounters, a function that is often different for each protagonist. Indeed, the first question is often that of the behavior that the new partner will adopt towards the animal. But the reaction of the latter is also important. A stage therefore in the form of a test which would almost be similar to that, symbolic, of the presentation of a bride or a bride to the future in-laws ... On this subject, it would seem that this first contact in the form of an examination is a matter of greater importance in the eyes of women according to the study
The Roles of Pet Dogs and Cats in Human Courtship and Dating
, - by Peter B. Gray, Shelly L. Volsche, Justin R. Garcia and Helen E. Fisher published in the review Anthrozoös.
“If we take the example of a woman with a cat or a dog, we could compare this duo to a single parent cell: a woman and her child.
Impossible to conceive of a spouse who would reject his animal, notes Philippe Brenot.
Membership has to be on all fronts, and the animal is part of the equation.
And if this adhesion is feigned or based on unspoken words, it is the breeding ground for difficulties to be expected for the couple.
Once the passion phase - erasing the negative aspects and amplifying the positive sides - is consumed, there is a risk of misunderstanding and rejection. ”
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Observing the attitude of the owner of the animal is also a mine of information for the newcomer: Does he take care of his cat or his dog?
How? 'Or' What ?
Is he hyperattentive or on the contrary is he getting angry over nothing?
The way we behave with our animal is a first indicator of the way we behave with others.
Finally, during the first meetings, the presence of this one also makes it possible to avoid a destabilizing face-to-face.
It is an introduction, a subject of conversation, allowing to avoid talking too much about oneself, even if there is a lot to decipher in the attitude which one adopts towards an animal.
His entry into the two-person relationship
Adopting a dog or a cat can also be a decision made by the couple.
And, depending on the profile, the motivations will be different.
For a young couple, this is often a first major project, a kind of commitment to ensure a stable framework over time.
A bit like a first child or rather a sort of dress rehearsal before welcoming a real baby.
The adoption then has the value of a test: are we able to agree on the choice of the animal, the education and the distribution of tasks?
Are we ready to make sacrifices?
In short, do we see in the other the ideal embodiment of a future parent?
The adoption of an animal is not anecdotal Marie Robert
“The adoption of an animal is not anecdotal. It is a fundamental step, a projection, a promise that we make together: that of taking care of someone together. Our love is strong enough to allow us to welcome a third party ”, underlines Marie Robert, philosopher and author of
Paths of the Possible
(3). The
pet parenting
also finds its place among couples who do not want or can not have children. “The couple will find themselves appeased by the very true metaphorical relationship that we can have with an animal,” reports Philippe Brenot. This takes away some of the frustration and incompleteness that a woman without children might feel. Because even if the choice not to become a mother is assumed, every woman still has a child in her head. "
Filling "the empty nest syndrome"
Adopting a dog or a cat can also happen later in the history of a couple and fill what is called "empty nest syndrome", when the children are old or have left the family home.
This situation is rarely anticipated in all that it involves.
The animal then makes it possible to keep the triangulation scheme and not to find itself alone facing the other.
During retirement - a delicate moment for many couples - the presence of a small ball of hair will also have a real soothing function.
Finally, deciding to take a dog or a cat can also be a sign of difficulties encountered in the relationship.
Communication is at a standstill, silences set in… Suddenly, thanks to him, the couple returns to a certain form of exchanges, without however resolving the pre-existing problems.
"The animal can compensate for the absence of a romantic context, felt by one of the partners, or even by both", explains Philippe Brenot.
"We recreate a new bond of attachment, we give and we receive as many marks of affection as we want."
The risk is to create a new duo within the couple: the animal can then in this case move the protagonists even further away.
The term used is therefore evocative: it is no longer a question of "our dog or our cat" but of "his dog or his cat".
Like master, like animal
Like master, like animal
Identical hairstyles.
Gerrard Gethings
Like master, like animal
Curly hair.
Gerrard Gethings
Like master, like animal
Matching outfits.
Gerrard Gethings
Like master, like animal
Similar colors.
Gerrard Gethings
Like master, like animal
Like master, like animal
Like master, like animal
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The benefits of a little companion
Animals do us good, relax us, encourage us to go out, even reduce our risk of cardiovascular disease ... But in recent years, scientists have also been studying the effects of the presence of a dog or a cat on the breast. of the couple.
Based on the 2016 American study
Relationships' Best Friend: Links Between Pet Ownership, Empathy and Romantic Relationship Outcomes
- Anika Cloutier and Johanna Peetz, published in the journal Anthrozoös - 86.5% declare that the presence of the animal is positive for the couple; 8%, that it is neutral; and 4.5%, that it is negative. The conclusion of this study is that the company of a cat or a dog allows a better quality, more engaged and more adjusted relationship. The main reason given is that an animal leads to cultivate its empathy, a crucial quality to maintain positive relations between two beings.
According to Marie Robert, it goes even further: “The presence of the third party allows us to understand each other, to better apprehend their couple and to perceive another facet of the other in their way of interacting with the animal.
It is a real support for reflection in the couple. "
The place of this four-legged companion therefore becomes a reflection support for communicating, getting to know each other better, making compromises, but also allows the duo to reflect in the eyes of others: the animal makes the couple exist within the society, we are getting rid of the merger, it is no longer just "you and me against the whole world", we can no longer ignore others.
It therefore represents a positive experience.
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And then, there are the tangible daily benefits: the dog or the cat will create bonding, a feeling of team or family.
It brings a breath of freshness and spontaneity within the couple, allowing to give pride of place to the small simple pleasures of everyday life.
This companion forces each of the two protagonists to live in the present moment, to slow down and disconnect from everything digital: we refocus on our home, we open up again to the other, we share new activities with our partner - including a two-person walk with the dog - we play, we find our child's soul and a certain fantasy.
When he becomes the bête noire of the couple ...
In everyday life as a couple, everything is not always rosy and easy to manage. An animal brings its share of constraints and unpleasant or stressful situations: the pair of new sneakers shredded by the young puppy, the armchair torn by the cat… Situations which can crystallize pre-existing tensions. Jealousy can also appear, either because it is a feeling already present in one of the two - which is expressed towards the animal as it could appear towards a colleague at work - or because the context lover is failing: "You take more care of your dog than of me ... You cuddle him more than me ..." Philippe Brenot, also sexologist, believes that intimate relations can be altered by the place left to the dog or at the cat.The mere presence of the animal in the room - not to mention its scrutinizing gaze - can lead to the sexual inhibition of one of the partners, "just like the children, who are the first impediment to love", specifies he does.
When owning a pet says a lot about us
Having a dog or a cat is not insignificant in the perception that others have of us. And the character traits that are attached to it can have a real importance in the meeting. For Marie Robert, philosopher, owning an animal “shows particular aptitudes, and attractive aptitudes: empathy, a capacity to take care, to go beyond constraints. But it also highlights our ability to be faithful and responsible ”. And that's not all: the animal prompts us to question ourselves and surely makes us less selfish. Finally, sharing your life with an animal is an experience of otherness. Here is a being who is more than intimate to us (he shares our daily life), while being totally foreign to us (of another species). And yet, we manage to cohabit,to build a relationship over time and to make a commitment. This is enough to reassure a suitor. From there to say that the owners of animals would be more suited to life as a couple ...
The animal used to avoid any physical rapprochement
Sometimes, an animal with access to the bed is even used, consciously or not, to keep the partner away and avoid any physical rapprochement: “I had a patient whose large dog was very protective of her. But in the end, it suited her well, and the dog helped her keep her husband at a distance without needing to justify himself, ”continues the therapist. To avoid such situations, access to the room should not be allowed to animals, unless everyone agrees ... by measuring the possible discomfort that this may cause in certain circumstances. When difficulties relating to the animal arise within the couple, it is advisable to seek the true cause of them by asking a simple question: What would it be with us today, if we did not have this? little companion by our side?
(1) Les Arènes BD editions, 203 pages, € 24.90.
(2) Allary Éditions, 272 pages, € 19.90.
(3) Éditions Flammarion, 272 pages, € 19.
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