Emotional Snatcher: Parenting lessons we learned from watching Netflix

How does the protagonist in the series "Maid" manage to remain patient, inclusive and calm in front of her little daughter even when life summons her so much stress and frustration?

Just before you erupt at your kids again, read this

Dr. Niva Dolev

14/01/2022

Friday, 14 January 2022, 08:10 Updated: 08:22

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A few weeks ago I read a review of the "Maid" series airing on Netflix. This is one of the most talked about series lately (or has another series already replaced it?), And in my opinion a series that is definitely recommended.

The critique written about the series was not about the quality of the game, the plot, or the social message that emerges from it - the difficulty of poor people to get out of the cycle of poverty, and the tangle of bureaucracy that contributes to it (to me there were some other important messages but that is not the issue). Except that the series is not authentic because the young mother who runs away from a violent man and supports herself and her little daughter by cleaning the houses of the rich, does not get angry at her daughter at all in the series. She is patient, and containing, does everything to produce for the girl a positive and worry-free reality as much as possible, and does not lose her temper even when it is difficult for her. And this, as stated, can not be real (so according to the review).

It is precisely this assumption - that irritability and impatience are an integral part of us all regardless of a specific story or socioeconomic status - that I want to challenge.

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She does not lose her temper even when it is difficult for her.

Mother and little daughter characters from a "maid" on Netflix (Photo: Ricardo Hubbs / Netflix)

So first of all, there is no doubt that emotions are an integral part of man. Even if we are forced not to feel, we will not be able to do so. So it is clear that if the mother in the series, or we in the Corona period for example, feel worry, anxiety, stress or anger, it is natural, logical and totally fine. Beyond that, those feelings are important. Darwin has already said before us that all emotions are essential for survival and therefore are innate and universal. The reason is that emotions provide us with important information: about ourselves, others and the world, and this information allows us to act according to the situation. Fear will cause us to be careful and keep ourselves from dangers and not take unnecessary risks, anger will cause us to defend our rights and the rights of others, and sadness will cause us to converge, store energy and recalculate a trajectory. In the case of the mother in the series, her feelings provided her with important information about her condition and pushed her to flee the battered husband, find a job and a place to live and take care to improve her and her daughter’s situation.

The point is that emotions also evoke physiological processes of arousal, pushing us into the action of what is called an "emotional snatch" - a state in which we act on emotion without stopping to think: what we want to achieve, what will contribute to achieving it, what settles on our value system.

The space between the event and the response

We have the option to control our responses and if we leave a space between the event and the response, we can select the response.

Therefore, the mother who made all the changes to create a better future for her daughter, did her best so that her stress would not be reflected in her relationship with her daughter.

She managed it and will elevate it to practical solutions.

It requires emotion management, but it is entirely possible and even required.

No one learns from the outbursts.

Father yells at girl (Photo: ShutterStock)

Each of us has many stresses, hard days, and breaking moments.

Sometimes they are related to completely different things and there is no reason for our children, the people most important to us, to pay the price.

And sometimes they are related to our children and their behavior, but if we can regulate our automatic responses and pause them a bit, we can choose the right response, one that will yield understanding, internalization and change and not one that will simply hurt our children.

Very rarely an outbreak is the right response.

Even if we choose to be angry, once there is an element of choice rather than a lack of control, it will be done differently and will convey a completely different message that is focused on the issue itself and will make a different impact.

Rarely do people learn when they are hacked.

Most often, they are closed or injured.

On the other hand, when they understand - they learn and internalize.

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This choice in response is made from our value system in raising our children, and the meaning of what we do and what we believe. This - I believe, does not include outbreaks. And even if it sounds utopian to you, it really is not. It is a leg that can be acquired and a muscle that can be strengthened. It requires awareness, correctness, and a lot of training. And whenever it fails, we examine ourselves and start again. Because regulated parents raise regulated children. We are always the model. And regulated children (and people) are more successful in school and at work and also have better relationships.

Victor Frenkel, the father of the existential theory and logotherapy that deals with meaning said that there is a space between the stimulus and the response. In this space lies our choice. And in this choice lies our true freedom. And this is absolutely true even in the case of parenting because we are not led by the automatic emotions and reactions but choose responses that will lead to the right educational process.

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• parenthood

Tags

• parenthood

• Stress

• anxiety

• Parental guidance

• parents and children