Parents, stop punishing your children - and do it instead
Do not be tempted to act automatically - instead of punishing, try to explain to the child what the logical consequence of his actions is and that way everyone will benefit without getting angry or threatening
Daniel Sarantsky, in collaboration with JAMA
16/01/2022
Sunday, 16 January 2022, 14:36 Updated: 14:52
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In the past, punishments were an educational tool that parents used quite a bit. You may even remember how they told you to "go to the room" after some unwanted behavior, or you would not go to company. Was it effective? Yes. Did you end up doing what your parents wanted? Yes. You wanted to avoid punishments and sanctions. So where's the problem? Remember your and your parents' relationship after you have been punished. She was probably hurt, and you must have felt humiliated and offended.
Dana Hovesh, a certified parent counselor at the Adler Institute and the Ministry of Education, explains that the punishment hurts the child's sense of worth, who feels in a disappointing, humiliated, unwanted moment, just not a good child, especially if "you" sentences are added: "You are lazy" etc. The relationship with the parents, as mentioned, is also damaged. In addition, the child does not learn from the punishment, mainly because in most cases there is no connection between the act and the punishment given to him. What is the connection between "if you do not collect the toys you will not go to a friend tomorrow"?
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In collaboration with JAMA
The result of imposing punishments and imposing sanctions is an atmosphere in a house of anger and forcefulness.
The child learns that things are received through power and submission and he experiences this at home and abroad.
What's more, when the child understands the idea of punishment and is less afraid of the price, he may exacerbate the behavior and thus the relationship is further damaged and a situation of power and control struggles is created - just like in war.
An atmosphere of anger and forcefulness.
Father angry over daughter (Photo: ShutterStock)
So what can be done?
Instead of punishing - explain to the child what the logical outcome of his behavior is. Speak and learn it when there is a logical connection between cause and effect. For example: The child refused to collect his toys? Instead of punishing or threatening, explain that if he does not collect his toys, the house will be messy and since in your house the order is important, you will have to collect in its place so there will be no time left to tell him a bedtime story. Insist on it every time. Determination and consistency are necessary for learning.
When we give a logical explanation, the child will understand that there is a price for his actions, while understanding the value behind it. Talk about the act and not the child. Instead of "you are not responsible" they said: "the act you did was not responsible". This way you will not label the child character traits. In addition, speak the language of "I": "I worry when you enter the pool without floats", "I fear you when you do not eat healthy", etc.
At the same time, you were modeling right for your child and behaving the way you would expect him to behave.
Your job is to empower and raise the value of the child, encourage him at every step, communicate with him and explain the logic behind any value that is important for you to have at home.
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