How to deal with your and the child's opposing desires?

Every parent is familiar with this frontal collision: you do not agree with something, say not resolutely, but the child continues to insist.

What to do?

This is how you will adapt attentive parenting even in challenging moments

Daniel Sarantsky, in collaboration with JAMA

20/01/2022

Thursday, 20 January 2022, 07:33

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The evening has come, the boy has already gone to bed, but a moment before bed he asks, not to mention demands: "Mom, I want ice cream!".

Since this is something you really do not agree will happen, a mismatch is created here between the child's desire and yours.

He keeps insisting and crying and you find yourself getting upset, maybe even raising your voice, and all the pleasant atmosphere that preceded the argument disappears as if it were not there.

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, accompanying mothers to attentive and conscious parenting through mindfulness, offers a different approach to attentive and compassionate conduct in the situation.

First of all, to give place to the child's desire - he for his part wants the ice cream right now, you can tell him: "I understand that you really want to eat the ice cream now", then we refuse with the addition of an explanation: "You already brush your teeth and should not eat sweet before bed, so You will not eat ice cream today ", and then you can offer another option that is suitable for you, for example:" We can save the ice cream for tomorrow at noon ".

The principle is to give an accepting and enabling space, to be attentive to the wishes of the child and not to cancel them, but at the same time not to cancel the values, and your desires as parents.

In other words - to promote the motivations of yourself, the child and the relationship from an approach that strives for an encounter with respect and reciprocity.

Make room for frustration as well.

Crying toddler (Photo: ShutterStock)

Many times, when the child says "no" to something you ask of him or insists on something that does not fit the values ​​of the family, the response will be automatic and you will not stop to think what the child actually wants. This happens because each of us has buttons that if pressed they will activate something automatic. Once you are more attentive and aware of these buttons, it will be easier to deal with situations where the desires of the parents and the child simply collide.

You can choose the responses from an attentive and compassionate place and not let automated responses manage you. Allow the child's feelings and emotions to exist, do not ignore them, but do not forget that the task is to chart the path with respect and reciprocity.

First, give legitimacy to his desires and know how to "refuse without rejection." At the same time, make sure you pay enough attention to it on a daily basis. Here are some possible examples of this:

Spend time in the day when you are completely present with the child, without distractions like mobile, TV or messing with household chores in the process.

2. Show empathy for the child's feelings - if he was hit, fell, or told something happened to him - even if in our eyes it seems marginal to relate, express empathy. Do not say "nothing happened" because in his eyes it did.

Use a model - Behave according to the values ​​you expect from the child. How can one demand from him something that the parents do not do themselves? For example, eating healthy when he sees you devouring sweets in the evening?

Let the child lead and decide in all kinds of situations during the day such as choosing between two games or between activities that can be done after kindergarten.

Even if it seems very far away, the big change will eventually come following the change of awareness and giving attention, attention and compassion to yourself and the child.

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