5 Mistakes All Parents Make About Boundaries

The question of how to set boundaries for children is repeated in every parenting tutorial, and rightly so - we all want to be able to say "no" without it burning an entire day.

So why is it so hard?

Parental facilitator explains

Dorit Hermon

24/01/2022

Monday, 24 January 2022, 06:31 Updated: 08:31

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If there is one topic that parents always want to deal with in any parenting workshop or clinic training it is the issue of boundaries.

Many parents ask how to set boundaries successfully, without crying, anger or tantrums so that the child will accept it with love.

So let's start from the end - it's not really possible.

Here are 5 myths about boundaries that most parents need to let go of.

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1. Who is responsible for maintaining the border?

Many parents think that the responsibility for maintaining the border lies with the child, but this is a mistake. The responsibility to maintain the boundary or respond when the child crosses it is solely on us. Children, as well as adults, allow themselves to cross the border sometimes, especially when it is not determined enough, and the responsibility for the border is always on whoever sets it. Think about it, our house door is also a border, but even though everyone knows not to enter the house of others without permission, we all make sure to close the door of the house and lock it. None of us trust others not to come into our home. If you set a limit - take responsibility for it.

The second myth is that children abide by agreements.

No, children do not abide by agreements, certainly not when they have to do tasks they do not like like homework, showers or going to bed.

When they are busy with their games or screens, they really do not feel like stopping, just like us adults who sometimes have a hard time leaving the screens even though we have tasks.

The only difference is that no one will be angry with us.

Because you like being told no?

Sad child (Photo: ShutterStock)

3. Choose our wars?

Many parents say it is important to choose the wars or battles with the children.

I too would say this sentence, until I realized that words have power.

Wars and battles are waged against an "enemy," and our child is not the enemy.

The use of these words produces a sense of war, and inadvertently causes us to speak forceful language to our child.

Better to say - we choose to insist on what is important to us.

?

Parents expect children to accept their "no" in love.

In my recent lectures I did an experiment and asked parents how important it is to set boundaries for children and the answer was that it is very important, 90 percent of parents said that boundaries are important.

When I asked how much you like being set boundaries, how much you like to find out you've received a parking report or not heard from the boss about the freedom you're asking for - 90 percent said they do not like being told no.

Kids who hear a lot not during the day, just like us do not like it, so they get angry and cry.

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5. A parent who sets boundaries is a difficult parent?

Sometimes it seems to us that if we say no to our child then we will send him a message that we do not like him, certainly when we are many hours away from home or busy.

Without noticing we say yes, until we get tired, our ability to contain runs out, and then like a glass of water overflowing - the liquid slides.

At the end of most "yes" and acceptance, we just get tired of containing and giving and then we lose it in front of the kids.

So how do you set boundaries?

Building a good infrastructure for relationships - this is the basis for any process of setting boundaries. The better the relationship, the easier the ability to influence the child and set boundaries. What’s more, in a good relationship there is no need to constantly set boundaries, and it is easier to get cooperation and listening from the child. One of the best ways to build a relationship is quality time, one that is done with the child twice a week, 15-20 minutes and where they are given 100 percent attention, without screens and without educational conversations, but just enjoying his company.

Choose what you insist on and what you give up - in parenting you can not insist on everything, so it is important to decide what is really important to you, and on which you are willing to insist, and where you are willing to negotiate or just let go and that's it. One of the issues worth considering if it is right to insist on is the issue of showers that preoccupy entire Arab parents. From experience children do not get sick without a shower and do not even really stink certainly not after a day or two. Once we stop arguing about it, kids go in to shower much more easily.

Effective boundaries start with a good relationship. Father and daughter hugging (Photo: ShutterStock)

Understand that the border will only be maintained if we maintain it, and that parental presence is important to maintain the border. It is impossible to maintain boundaries on a remote control or make sure that the screens are closed with shouts from the other side of the house. Do you want it to shut down your computer? Go to him a few minutes earlier, remind him of the summary, let him finish the game, and if he does not close on his own - you may have to turn him off.

Understand that a child is allowed to be frustrated, angry and dissatisfied, and therefore allow him to express his feelings of anger and frustration, without being angry that he is dissatisfied. If there is a tantrum, you can empathize with the child's difficulty, tell him that we understand that he is angry, frustrated and that's it. One can offer a hug if it is soothing and if not just leave it alone. If you find it difficult to contain the crying and shouting, get out of the situation - go to another room and come back after a few minutes. Sometimes when we release the stress from the child and leave him, he calms down much faster.

And finally, understand that in order to set the limit we will have to pay a price of time and energies that will not allow us to do maybe everything we wanted and even disrupt our evening or recreation.

When we understand that there will be a price and are willing to pay it, we have a determination that will allow us to convey the message in a much safer way.

Dorit Hermon is a facilitator for parents challenged by the education system, accompanies education teams and author of the book "For Authority - The Way to Happy, Safe and Calm Parenting"

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