Is there a way to save a toxic relationship?
A toxic relationship is an abusive relationship in which the strong side uses its power to harm the weak side.
How is such a relationship diagnosed - and yet can this terrible suffering be stopped?
A couple therapist explains
Gili Weintraub
20/02/2022
Sunday, 20 February 2022, 11:11 Updated: 11:34
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"Hello, my name is Ruthie and I live under emotional terror."
This is how Ruthie (pseudonym) introduced herself the first time we met.
"My husband does not want to sleep with me, he hurts and insults me, he throws words that make me feel I am not worth anything. Sometimes he brings his face closer to mine and quietly filters words that leave me breathless. It's like a terrorist living with me at home and at any moment can blow me up "It only explodes once every few days or sometimes even weeks, but the fear of the explosion is present at every moment and makes me cringe every time I open the door and enter the house."
Ruthie is a doctor in academia so her analytical ability is high, but this state of life in a toxic relationship occurs in very many homes across the socio-economic spectrum.
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To the full article
Many times people on the side ask in such a case: So why is she not leaving?
Well, just as there are reasons why we allow a relationship of this kind to develop, despite the damage it causes us, there are also reasons that cause us to stay in it despite the suffering.
About the reasons that make a person stay in such a relationship we will address in another article.
In this article we will focus on the question: Is there any hope for a toxic relationship?
What exactly is a toxic relationship?
Usually referring to an abusive relationship where there is a clear hierarchy in the status between the couple and the strong side uses its power to hurt the weak side.
A toxic relationship is usually characterized by violence from one of the following or all together: verbal, emotional, financial, sexual or physical.
Feeling controlled?
Illustration of a woman hanging like a doll on a string (Photo: ShutterStock)
All violence in itself is difficult, but combining several of them together creates an impossible life for the injured party.
Living with an abusive spouse can also damage our physical defense systems over time, creating the effects of unexplained physical pain or chronic illness.
Sometimes when we are in an abusive relationship, the whole environment sees the situation because it is leaking out.
But there are couple systems in which the abusive spouse keeps his or her behavior to the space inside the home only, so people around know nothing.
In systems of this kind people may think he is a normative person, so we do not even have the ability to expose our distress without someone raising an eyebrow.
How do we know we are in a toxic relationship?
Life in a toxic relationship has some clear characteristics:
1. There is one strong side in the relationship and a weak other side:
in such a relationship one side (mostly the man) will be the dominant one and according to it will rule anything.
2. The strong side crosses the boundaries of the other side:
A toxic relationship is a relationship where one side crosses the boundaries of the other on a regular basis.
It could be in words that hurt and cause the other side to shrink from within, maybe it will be in economic restrictions that create dependence on the other side and a need for its approval, maybe just in a sense of threat that here something dramatic and bad can happen.
But this transgression of our boundaries, or the threat that will cross our boundaries, is present most of the time.
The weak side has a hard time breaking up and leaving:
Although the aggrieved party rationally knows that it is best for him to break up and end this relationship, he does not find the strength to do so.
4. The weak side is very careful in its words and actions:
Living in a relationship of this kind forces us to think well before every action we do or a word we say.
Since the price can be heavy, we will think ten times before we say or do something that could provoke the dark side of the spouse.
A small test that can help diagnose a toxic relationship
I was recently at a wedding where two friends renewed their vows after 15 years together.
When the woman got the microphone and talked about how she felt about her partner she said that when she is at home and hears in the distance his motorcycle approaching in the evening, she feels a pleasant excitement.
A kind of butterfly in the stomach.
It's her scale that it's the love of her life.
When you think about it, it is indeed a great scale to understand the quality of a relationship.
When we get excited when our partner comes home to us after a day of work it is probably a sign that our relationship is in excellent shape.
What is the emotion that overwhelms you when your spouse returns home?
Sad woman (Photo: ShutterStock)
Do the following test: Imagine you are at home and suddenly you hear the key turn in the door lock and realize that your spouse has returned home.
How do you feel at that moment?
Is it a pleasant or unpleasant feeling?
Is it joy?
anger?
Love?
fear?
Our emotions can be key to understanding what kind of relationship we are living in.
If it's a positive emotion then great, your situation is good.
If it's an emotion like anger, then maybe it's not an optimal relationship, or you're just in a bad time, but it's probably not an abusive relationship.
If you are feeling fear or mental contraction right now there is a good chance you are in a toxic relationship.
Is there any hope for a relationship of this kind?
The answer to this question often depends on the degree of personality disorder of the offending party.
Similar to autism, where there is a broad spectrum in which a person can be in almost full functioning or alternatively in very dysfunction, so too a person who harms a spouse on a regular basis can be in a variety of locations on the axis of personality disorder.
There are situations where the change we can make in the couple space is very small.
When we live with a partner who attacks us powerfully and on several levels, we need to take into account that we will probably never experience a pleasant relationship with him.
In such cases the most effective thing for us might be to find a way to get up and go despite the difficulty.
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On the other hand, living with a person who speaks to us in dismissal or contempt, but at the same time allows for a reasonable couple life on the other levels, has greater hope.
In any case, a relationship in which one party harms creates a second party that weakens and loses strength.
Sometimes an emotional-behavioral change in the operating system of the affected party causes the offending party to step back and refine its behavior.
It can occur in minor cases in extreme cases, and at greater intensity in relatively mild situations.
Going back for a moment to Ruthie's case, after she managed to reduce the sense of fear she felt in front of her husband and felt less threatened, she began to express herself in a way that made him react and strive.
He has not changed his skin but he does take her and her needs a little more into account.
In severe cases, sometimes even a small improvement is a world in and of itself.
Gili Weintraub is an emotional therapist and creates a couple therapy method in half
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