By Meghan Holohan —
TODAY Show
As the news spread that
Russia
launched what
Ukraine
called a “full-scale attack”, many wondering if
the United States
will participate in this conflict.
As adults deal with the overwhelming news, children can also find out and feel scared.
It's natural to want to protect children from scary things, but parents need to be prepared to talk to their children about war.
Parenting expert Dr. Deborah Gilboa says most parents don't have to talk to young children about it unless they ask, or have a family member or friend in the military.
"It's best to get involved with kids 8 and older," the expert told TODAY Parents.
"But, if they hear about it anywhere else, you might want to talk about it at any age."
The doctor pointed out that parents need to figure out a few things before talking to their children.
“Find out what you want them to learn.
What is the message you want to send along with the facts, she said.
Messages might include: “The war is far away and we are safe.
Or “politics really matters in people's lives and we have to vote”, for example.
Gilboa said that parents should also analyze their feelings before talking to their children.
"A conversation with your child about a big scary topic, somewhat incomprehensible, is not the right place to work on your emotions," he explained.
She also reminded parents that they don't have to have all the answers.
Thinking through a problem together helps children learn to navigate ambiguous feelings.
“It gives them practice thinking about big, hard things,” Gilboa said.
The specialist shared some tips on how to talk to children of all ages about the war.
"Panic is winning."
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Preschool to 8 years old
For younger children, Gilboa recommended giving them factual information with personal value.
It should be short and clear.
Messages could include:
“There is a war far away where there are American soldiers.
We are safe, but it is a big problem
. ”
"If they ask you a follow-up question, keep the answer simple and reinforce (your value)," he said.
So if a child asks, "Why are you fighting?"
parents may say, "You're fighting over who should be in charge, but it's a long way from here."
It is essential that parents reassure their children and maintain an open dialogue.
“It's really helpful to tell your child, 'When you have more feelings, come and talk to me,'” she explained.
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Children from 8 to 10 years old
Again, Gilboa urged parents to keep the message simple and share a lesson about what's important to their family.
"You may feel that in your life or in your child's life the message is about safety or being patriotic," he said.
When kids surprise parents with questions about the war, it's okay if they're not ready to tackle it.
They need to acknowledge it and then come back to it later.
Saying something like “I'm the right person to answer” helps children understand that parents are a reliable source.
“Give yourself a break to decide what the lesson is,” he explained.
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While a child asking about the war may surprise parents, it gives them an advantage: They know what their children are worried about.
“He knows what the answers are that they are looking for,” said the expert.
Secondary
Parents should start by asking their children in this grade what they know about war.
They can then address the specific questions.
“We tend to assume that our children feel a particular way and we are wrong a surprising number of times,” he said.
"It allows them to start where they are rather than where we think they are."
Asking questions also allows parents to push their children towards the facts.
“We can correct any misconceptions,” Gilboa said.
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If parents don't know the answer to something, they should look it up with their children.
It offers the added benefit of showing children where to find reliable information and how to think critically about sources.
“When you watch them learn, you become part of the process and part of the conversation,” he explained.
Preparatory
Parents should start by asking their teens what they know about the current war and share as much factual information as they can with their values.
But then they should ask them how they feel about it and where they get their information.
"Teenagers want to know what their adults think about it and they're really influenced by that," Gilboa said.
“But they are also influenced by other people.”
Parents can help their teens "think critically about where they get their information and beliefs."
For many teens, a potential war means they may worry about being drafted.
Gilboa said experts seem to believe the chance of involuntary recruitment is very low and that parents can reassure them by pointing out that there was not one after Sept. 11, 2001, for example.
But they may also want to talk to their children about what could happen.
“Ask your teen, 'If there was a draft, how would you feel comfortable serving our country?'
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