This book will help you understand your children's greatest anxiety

"Dear Owen Hansen" tells the story of a boy who faces social anxiety and feels transparent in the school where he attends.

An expert explains what you can learn from this book about your children

Walla!

health

02/05/2022

Monday, 02 May 2022, 06:12 Updated: 07:21

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The book "Dear Owen Hansen" recently published by Modan, is based on a musical that became a hit on Broadway and was also translated into cinema.

The book and its stage versions were very successful in the world, and captivated the audience thanks to great sincerity, a charming adolescence story and raising awareness of a particularly common but not always talked about phenomenon - social anxiety.

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To the full article

Social anxiety is the most common of the anxiety disorders and about 7 percent of the population deal with it, in different intensities and manifestations.

The bookmark and first signs of social anxiety begin in childhood and become more and more present towards adolescence.

However, anxiety does not tend to go away on its own, and people who have not treated anxiety at a young age will continue to face its consequences even in adulthood.

This can mean distance and detachment, reducing personal abilities and harming personal potential in all circles of life (studies, employment, relationships, family).

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The book, tells the story of Owen Hansen, a boy who faces social anxiety and feels transparent in the high school where he studies.

The only one who does refer to him is Conor, the high school bully, but that attitude is mostly expressed in bullying.

After Conor dies, and a letter addressed to Owen is among his belongings, everyone is convinced that the two were close friends, and Conor's parents see Owen as a last chance to meet their son.

The misunderstanding becomes a tangle of lies, which brings Owen what he has always dreamed of - popularity and a real human connection, until he begins to lose control.

We have brought here some quotes from the book, which people dealing with social anxiety will surely identify with, and in front of them - a professional explanation with a personal touch, Maanat Heldstein Ben-Ami, director of children and youth at Rakefet, which specializes in social anxiety:

Social anxiety and self-judgment

I have to assume that this "true" self is better with life.

Better with people.

And also less shy.

For example, I'm sure he would never have given up on the opportunity to introduce himself to Zoe Murphy at last year's jazz concert.

He would not spend all that time deciding which word would best express his feelings about her performance, but on the other hand would not make him look like a stalker - good, awesome, spectacular, glamorous, magical, solid - and then, after finally compromising About very good, did not talk to her at the end, because he was too worried about his sweaty hands.

One of the characteristics of social anxiety is a particularly strict self-judgment.

The same voice inside our head that keeps wondering what others will think of us and how we are perceived from the outside, when those dealing with social anxiety are convinced that they will be judged harshly.

One of the results of self-judgment, is avoidance.

If I am perceived as an idiot / mouse / unwanted anyway - it is probably better for me to be silent and not try at all.

In groups for children with social anxiety in the cyclamen we learn to give up these inhibiting thoughts, to understand that they are inside our head, and to replace them with promoting thoughts, which will allow us to dare more.

One of the consequences of self-judgment is avoidance.

Sad girl (Photo: ShutterStock)

Social anxiety is much more complex than you think

"So you just decided not to eat last night?"

This is my mom, standing over me holding the twenty-dollar bill I did not use.

I close my laptop and shove it under the pillow.

"I was not hungry."

Come on, sweetie.

You should be able to order you food if I'm at work.

Today everything can be done online.

You don't even have to talk to people. "But you see, it's actually not true. You have to talk to the messenger when he comes to the door. The

lives of those dealing with social anxiety are made up of many different challenges, every day. Such that another person will not even think about. The seemingly simplest and most mundane actions are sometimes seen as a day-to-day rupture for the social anxiety farm.Therefore, progress should also be at a personal pace, with a sense of success and achievement.A lot of tiny successes ultimately produce the change.

Social anxiety and the role of parents

"I do not want another year like this, where every Friday night you sit alone in front of your computer. You have to find a way to be more open and communicate."

I try to.

It's not that I'm not trying.

She notices something on my desk.

"Hey, I know."

She takes a marker out of the cup.

"Maybe you would walk around today and ask all kinds of students to sign the plaster for you? It's a perfect icebreaker, doesn't it?"

It's hard for me to think of anything worse ...

I take the pen with a sigh without looking straight at her.

"Ah."

She walks towards the door, and just when I think I'm free, she turns around with a worried smile.

"I'm already proud of you."

"Oh. Good."

Her smile drops a little, and she comes out.

What am I supposed to say?

She tells me she's proud, but her eyes say something else.

She examines me thoughtfully as if I were a stain in the bath that she is unable to clean, no matter what product she uses.

proud of me?

I do not see how this is possible.

Okay, so let's just keep lying to each other.

Being a parent of a child dealing with social anxiety is not a simple matter.

Along with the fact that it is difficult to see the child in distress, the child's social difficulty often 'presses' on sensitive points in the parent.

Sometimes because he himself has dealt or is dealing with social anxiety - and sometimes vice versa, and finds it difficult to understand the "choice" in avoidance.

It is sometimes difficult to know what to say and how to help.

Cover of the book "Dear Owen Hansen" by Val Amik (Photo: Modan Publishing)

The things you do not even know are bothersome deal with social anxiety

I've done what I should have done in my locker, but I'm still standing here, pretending I'm looking for something.

There's too much time until the bell rings, and if I close my locker now, I'll have to turn around a bit.

I'm very bad at walking around a bit.

Such a rotation requires self-confidence and proper clothing and a bold but relaxed posture.

Social anxiety is 'transparent anxiety'.

In many cases it has no external manifestation (and if there is, such as flushing, excessive sweating - it can usually be hidden through distance and avoidance), so in most cases it is not possible to know what distress the person next to us is in.

Therefore, only raising the phenomenon to awareness and open discourse on the subject, can help and allow those who feel this way, to seek help from the environment.

Social anxiety and educational frameworks

The fact that I spent the summer far from my normal life made the situation even more stressful, when it was time to go back.

By mid-August I was already stressed that summer was over and the school year was starting.

Changes, transitions, entering an educational-social framework are a very stressful matter, but no less, stressful to deal with the holidays.

During the holidays, students dealing with social anxiety break away from the framework that requires them to leave home and have social connections.

The loneliness that accompanies the long vacations is unbearable and of course requires adjustment and strength to return to school at the end.

Cyclamen groups in these cases constitute a stable and continuous social anchor and help both alleviate loneliness during the holidays, and deal with the return to the framework, later on.

Important to remember: Dealing with social anxiety is much more than their anxiety

The excerpts we quoted from the book give a glimpse into Owen's social anxiety and his coping with it, but the book deals much more than that, and in fact, with relationships - family, society, adolescence, the human desire of us all to look, belong, form an identity and the prices we pay along the way.

So too are the men and women dealing with social anxiety, they are whole and complex human beings.

Children to parents, siblings, friends, students, music, gaming, drawing or chess lovers.

As long as social anxiety does not define the whole being of man, it will simply be a challenge to deal with.

If you are dealing with social anxiety, or know children, teenagers, young adults who are dealing with it, know that there is something to be done and that the quality of life can be improved, and it is best to do it as early as possible - to reduce harm and loss.

Contact Rakefet through the association's website or by phone: 077-2017032 / 054-7234568.

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