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Badly pressed desert fox heads?
Subwoofers from Norway
Photo: Nathan Reinds / EBU
Latvia: Citi Zēni - Eat Your Salad
You're terrified that the cucumber will come soon.
After all, the Latvians open their Ökofunk number with the sleazy entry »Instead of meat, I eat veggies and pussy« (although the vulva vulgarism was not sung out, at least in the national preliminary round, but subtly displayed in huge illuminated letters in the background), there is the fear is not far-fetched that someone will soon step onto the stage as a whole-body cucumber.
Especially since the singer in the celery-juice-colored suit isn't stingy with his penis prod in addition to his sustainability flexibility: he assures that newly converted meat abstainers can now confidently do without hot dogs: "Cause my sausage is just bigger".
To round it off, he delights in his buttocks (here:
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Citi Zēni from Latvia
Photo: Nathan Reinds / EBU
Groan, does everything always have to be so crude?
Living green is cool, but also hot, the chorus then claims, but with so much Arcimboldo porn, it's better to stick with the pleasantly asexual Kermit the Frog on this question.
1st semi-final: Tuesday, May 10, 9 p.m., Eurovision.de, ONE and ARD media library
Albania: Ronela Hajati - Secretary
Ah, a seed robbery anthem, these crazy text chickens at the ESC always come up with something new!
Oh no, unfortunately not: Despite the lines “Hey, I will never regret / You will keep my sekret”, this traditional ethno pounder is not about bodily fluids, as is mistakenly assumed by the local language spelling, but much less frivolous about something big Secret, to keep an unsuspecting hitchhiker kidnapped in a softened De Sade castle.
What is particularly spectacular is the static nature of the serial plaited macrame that Ronela shows in the music video: half drying rack for hand-curled soup noodles, half threatening display for her extensions trophy collection, the gloomy background of which one can only speculate about: did she tie up the tangled strands of those women here,
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Ronela Hajati from Albania
Photo: Nathan Reinds / EBU
In any case, that's our shamelessly far-fetched cue, as with every ESC, to give a quick indulgence for Slavko Kalezić, the pigtail from Montenegro who was scandalously denied participation in the finals in 2017.
We will never tire of pointing out this injustice.
1st semi-final: Tuesday, May 10, 9 p.m., Eurovision.de, ONE and ARD media library
Slovenia: LPS - Disco
So, here again as a visual object for everyone who found the Icelandic disco mice from Daði og Gagnamagnið so abysmal nerdy last year: THESE are nerds, and they are cute, natural, quirky in style, confirming and just as heartbreakingly uncool as we used to know them .
True nerds, if you will, and actually a real former school band, for which the name LPS, which is almost too school band-like, stands for »Last Pizza Slice«.
The lyrics breathe authentically fermented puberty fumes ("I want you, but you'll give your heart to someone else / We'll dance, but it's only in my dreams / No, you won't come back"), and as is always the case in such dodgy suits, has one always has more beard than the others,
in this case the ski gymnastic, springy keyboard player who bounces on an imaginary bouncy ball.
No chance, but cute, very cute.
1st semi-final: Tuesday, May 10, 9 p.m., Eurovision.de, ONE and ARD media library
Norway: Subwoolfer - Give that Wolf a Banana
Sometimes, with its highly associative performances, the ESC snaps long-buried memories back to the surface.
The alleged wolf masks of the Norwegian contribution, for example, where you suddenly have to think of the inflatable alpaca dummies made in China, with which you practiced bridling the bridle in a radically non-violent alpaca capture course before going to the live animal: Because the manufacturers presumably still had never seen an alpaca, the exercise parts looked like plum deer stuffed too bulging by an improper taxidermist, great fun but you must have been there.
In any case, when purchasing their wolf masks, Subwoolfer apparently also let themselves be duped and instead put on a couple of badly pressed desert fox heads,
it's not really convincing anatomically.
There are bonus points for the pretty club dance formations, which, however, have to be deducted immediately because one was probably too lazy to attach a wolf-appropriately fluffed up rod to the bottom of the suit pants.
Why the three dancers are dressed up in a crossover of Kim Kardashian's 2021 Met Gala wrap and B1 and B2, the eponymous crooks from the children's series Bananas in Pajamas, even though the song is obviously about a Little Red Riding Hood fantasy, remains one of the many ESC mysteries.
1st semi-final: Tuesday, May 10, 9 p.m., Eurovision.de, ONE and ARD media library
Serbia: Konstrakta – In corpore sano
Now you really have to believe me, because I've never lied to you before: the Serbian contribution deals with the question of what care products a certain Duchess of Sussex uses to shampoo with frightening urgency.
»What is the secret of Meghan Markle's healthy hair?
What's the secret?
What's the secret of Meghan Markle's healthy hair?
What's the secret?' the singer Konstrakta asks right at the beginning, whereupon the chorus of perplexed hairdressers around her echoes this question, because they don't know either.
With a bit of goodwill and a few diopters, the Serbian singer actually bears a certain resemblance to Meghan Markle after a half-hearted Pulp Fiction themed party makeover, halfway through which she decided to
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Contracta from Serbia
Photo: Nathan Reinds / EBU
"I think it's about deep hydration," the speech-singer then speculates, all the while washing her hands in a bowl, by the way.
"An enlarged spleen isn't good, it's not pretty," she reasoned a little later, and one could take it for affected artificial nonsense if the interplay of brittle singing and choral echoes would undeniably develop a growing fascination, and that's not a lie.
Incidentally, on a deeper level, the text criticizes the Serbian health system, which does not provide freelance artists with health insurance.
Hamma we learned something again.
2nd semi-final: Thursday, May 12, 9 p.m., Eurovision.de, ONE and ARD media library
San Marino: Achille Lauro - Strippers
After Måneskin's glorious victory last year, it was already clear that this year wouldn't happen without another attempt at sex.
So Achille Lauro simply copies Damiano David, with eye make-up, a naked tattooed body, fellow musicians in a little skirt or with the original Damiano hairdo - of course that can't work in this audacity, although Achille also has a whole bunch of confused pop culture references in it heaved his beer-commercial-ready "Hey!" rock song: "London Calling," "I Love Britney," and — is that a cute "I Wanna Be Your Dog" reference?
– »I'm her Beagle / She's my Personal Jesus«.
The associated trouser waistband fumbling makes everything even more tragic.
He is rumored to be wearing a feather boa and riding a velvet red rodeo buck in the semifinals.
2nd semi-final: Thursday, May 12, 9 p.m., Eurovision.de, ONE and ARD media library