Feel that you are in a bad relationship?

That way you will know if it's time to cut

An inadequate relationship for one or both parties is a bad thing that affects every aspect of our lives.

An emotional therapist presents three questions that can help you make a decision - how do you proceed from here?

Gili Weintraub

20/05/2022

Friday, 20 May 2022, 07:10

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A good relationship is one of the most important keys to a happy life.

From a relationship we go out into the world, and to the relationship we return home every evening.

With a good relationship we are filled with strength and free to act and express ourselves in the world, while a bad relationship empties us and sends us out with less strength and energy.

Living in an inadequate relationship hurts us and our quality of life, and often causes us to ask ourselves: Is this at all what I want?

Is it not better to unpack the package and look for myself a new way that will allow me to breathe more freely and just be?

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To the full article

If this is the case with you, here are three questions that can help and put some order in the question of whether to break the tools or look for a way to stay together.

Question 1: Why am I not good at the relationship?

This is a question worth dwelling on.

At first glance it seems trivial, but delving into it can open up a new understanding for us.

Is it because the spouse is behaving badly?

Is it because we feel unloved?

Is it boring for us to have our own?

Each answer requires a different reference.

Lots of criticism or little communication?

Illustration of a couple in bed (Photo: ShutterStock)

Refining the main issue that bothers us in the relationship can allow us to look for a focused solution to it.

If, for example, the thing that bothers us is that there is no communication in our relationship, it is important that we understand where it comes from so that we can give it a solution.

Here the "why" technique from the field of creative thinking can come to our aid.

Whenever we ask ourselves the question “why?”, On the same subject, we penetrate a little more into the thickness of the beam and get closer to the root of the matter.

Here are some examples of how it works:

Why is it not good for me in a relationship?

: Because we do not have couple communication

Why do we not have couple communication?

Answer: Because every time I try to talk the other side does not cooperate

Why does the other side not cooperate?

Because he does not want to hear what I have to say

Why does he not want to hear what I have to say?

Because he says that I pass a lot of criticism on him / her

. A short investigation reveals to us that the problem is not that we do not have communication, but that when there is communication we pass a lot of unpleasant criticism to the other side.

And if this is the case, then the problem becomes from a marital problem to a personal problem in my behavior.

And this already requires an answer at the individual level and not at the marital level.

Such an understanding allows us to move the search for the solution from the double hat to the personal hat.

Many times such an internal investigation leads us to understand that a large part of the problem is with us, and if we change something in our behavior our relationship can improve.

Go inside and ask yourself the real and painful questions.

Talking couple (Photo: ShutterStock)

Question:

Why am I not good in a relationship?

Because everything falls on me at home

Why does everything fall on me?

Because the other party does nothing

Why does the other party do nothing?

Because he is a parasite

Why does he act like a parasite at home?

Because I probably allow it to be

Why do I allow it to be a parasite?

Because he does not do things properly so it is already better that I do myself

Here the investigation reveals to us that the root of the problem is not in the parasitism of the spouse but in our difficulty in releasing the control that things must be done in our way.

Here, too, the problem shifts from the marital plane to the personal plane.

If we release our need for everything to be sweetened to our spirit - we can allow the spouse to integrate into household chores and give a shoulder in his own way.

Exploring the "why we are not good in a relationship" can be a turning point in the quality of the relationship.

If it is important for you to start living in a satisfying relationship, try to make time from time to time and sit in a quiet place without interruptions, take a pen and paper and start researching the root cause of your difficulty in the relationship space.

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Question 2: If this thing is resolved, would I be happy to stay in this relationship?

Assuming the issue raised in the investigation of the first question worked out, would that make us want our marital relationship?

If for example we stop visiting the spouse and he starts communicating with us more, or if we stop expecting everything to be done perfectly as we want and the spouse starts helping and contributing to the home, then do we want to stay in that relationship?

Can we move from an unsatisfactory relationship to a relationship that satisfies us?

If the answer is

, then you need to find out what else is bothering you and whether it is at all repairable.

But if the answer is

, then there is definitely a positive horizon for our relationship.

Question 3: Am I willing to take on the problem?

Many times in life we ​​throw the problem on the other side and hope it is solved without our involvement.

"If he starts moving his ass and doing something at home then I'll be better off."

Here we need a kind of miracle that will happen and change our spouse.

But in most cases the key to change is in our hands.

If we understand that our desire for everything to be done our way is the one that does not allow us to free our partner a place to do things at home, then the solution passes to our side.

Because if we release this need we will turn to the other side a place to start functioning more.

And if we understand that the problem is not that there is no communication between us but that when there is communication then we pass a lot of criticism on the other side and therefore it is closed to us, then here too the problem passes into our hands.

And everything in our hands is much simpler to solve.

Because we only need our consent to get on the path of change.

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