Even when it's hard: how can you not fall into power struggles and shouting with the kids?

Listening to yourself first, seeing the child's desires and proposing an alternative - these are the principles that are worth knowing

Daniel Sarantsky, in collaboration with JAMA

12/06/2022

Sunday, 12 June 2022, 07:22

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Some then dream of a home where everything flows, a home where you say - and the kids do.

But the situation, what to do, is a little different in reality.

Your children have desires of their own, and when they meet your desires, you are entering into unwanted power struggles.

Sometimes it will be mixed with the ego "I am the mother and I decide" and sometimes it will be because you will give yourself stubbornness in character.

so what are we doing?

How to avoid?

, parent and family counselor, NLP facilitator and holistic child therapist, explains that the key in any relationship is communication.

Within communication comes listening which is actually the basic principle that helps in conflict management.

So how can a conflict be waged without falling into power struggles with the children?

Here are some guiding principles:

Listen to yourself first.

When your child asks for something you do not agree with, you need to be listening to what it is flooding you with in order to understand where you are responding from.

What "wound" within it develops?

Does it hurt your dignity?

Does that mean you are not good enough?

The reaction, in this case, may be more emotional because this place of yours inside is incomplete.

After listening and understanding what place it activates in you, say to yourself inwardly: "Everything that is happening now is not related to me, but to the will of the child who meets my will. It does not mean anything to me, it just means he wants something."

That way you do not project on yourself what is happening and see your child's experience simply.

Now you can listen to the child and say to him calmly: "I understand you want to play it. Do you know it can be a bit dangerous? I have an idea for another game that I'm sure you will really like, want to see?".

A sentence in this style is a reference to the child's will and also clarity about your boundary, but everything is said in an approachable and embracing way.

This way you will understand that your child has desires just like you, and sometimes it is hard to accept that you do not want the same thing.

If you consider his desires and give him space to express them, along with explaining to him simply why you care about him and offering an equally good alternative - you can reduce the power struggles.

If you have nevertheless reached an argument with the child, the operation will be through mediation and naming of emotions (explain to him how he feels by describing the name of the emotion).

This is how the child is taught that it is okay to be angry and to be sad and frustrated.

At the same time, it is important to stand up for yourself gently and show him what is possible.

Try to grab his attention as you relate and reflect on what is happening now.

For example, an expected and familiar quarrel is a child's desire to continue playing with your request to go to the bathroom or have dinner.

Join him in the action he is doing and enjoying right now, treat it and even play with it for a moment.

The very act of joining opens a conversation and listening and then you can tell him that you have something interesting to tell him.

Creating interest and curiosity after joining the child's experience produces attention.

Then you can say for example that now you go to the bathroom and after that he will have time to play even a few more minutes before bed.

The key is to join the child's experience and need and from there - transportation.

Do not be afraid of power struggles, but to reduce them, you will be listening first to yourself and then to your child and then your reaction and situation management will be close and inclusive, combining consideration of the child's desires with yours.

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