How to set boundaries and deal with the expected protest?
Do you find yourself inconsistent enough in your responses just so you do not have to deal with screams and resistance?
You can drive differently
Daniel Sarantsky, in collaboration with JAMA
28/06/2022
Tuesday, 28 June 2022, 10:22 Updated: 10:46
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"This week she crossed every possible line, insisting and crying over everything. She does scenes like in a Turkish movie, what a shame…".
Do you identify with this sentence?
Do you find yourself giving up just so as not to face another situation of crying and resistance?
The following information compiled for you by
Dana Hovesh
, a certified parent counselor at the Adler Institute and the Ministry of Education, will help you cope better with these moments.
Why do children insist?
When we mothers are not clear enough and zigzag between "yes" and "no", give up when comfortable and insist on other moments - then the children understand: there is a prohibition, but it is not permanent and can be broken.
The insistence stems from the knowledge that they are able to cross the border, because the border is not really clear, neither for you nor for them.
what can we do?
Set clear and consistent boundaries with your spouse and consider together what is your responsibility, what is their responsibility and what is a shared responsibility.
What is our responsibility and agreed to be prohibited in any way, you will act and prevent it immediately.
Most often these will be things related to safety (seat belt), health (taking medication) and security (emotional security) and all members of the household should behave this way.
Other things, which have been agreed upon as fully permissible, will be released from your control and will be the responsibility of the children to choose and decide for themselves.
For example, what clothes to wear, what story to read before bed.
Controversial issues will be conducted in a respectful dialogue with the children, consultation and consent (or disagreement) together.
It is important that the boundaries you set are clear and based on values that are important to you, so that you can explain and convey them to children clearly.
Also, attach to the boundaries that you put logical results instead of punishments, so that they understand that there is a price to crossing the border.
For example: "Safety value is top value. I can not concentrate when you scream and rave in the back, I'm afraid of having an accident, so we have to go home."
How to respond to the cries of opposition from the border you set?
First, do not panic.
Crying is an expression of emotion.
When children are sad, angry, or offended, they respond with tears.
Do not try to eliminate your difficulty in sentences like "Stop crying, you are already big" or distract them "here is a bird".
Go down to eye level Explain the value behind the boundary you set, help them express emotion in words, give them a sense that you understand them and allow them another option for what they can do instead.
For example: "You must not climb on the table, because it is dangerous (safety value), I see you are angry, it really seems really fun to climb on the table, I understand you. I do agree to climb the stool, let's count how many times you manage to climb."
Remember, children do not cry against you.
They are simply dissatisfied with the limit you have set for them.
It is important to allow them to deal with the frustration, as the reality outside is difficult and your goal is to guide them towards adulthood.
Be consistent and determined, maintain parental backing and eventually the boundary will be assimilated and become part of the values of the children in adulthood.
Good to know (promoted)
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Frustrated mother toddler tries to work from home (Photo: ShutterStock)
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