Nina Nastasia, in a promotional image from 2022.
The dimension of a drama is measured by the time that the person remains immersed in their own tragedy.
Nina Nastasia disappeared from the world of music (and from everyone) in 2010. She was released at that time.
Driven by John Peel, the most important British pop-rock journalist, her albums, both beautiful and raw, were produced by Steve Albini, the manager of the
In Utero album,
of Nirvana.
His presence in sybaritic music circles was extremely appreciated.
But suddenly he vanished.
For a decade nothing was heard from her.
Followers filled the forums with theories trying to explain her deathly silence.
Now the truth is revealed.
And she is ugly.
What happened at that time belongs to the territory of the hollows: psychological abuse, dependency within the couple and a desperate desire to disappear from this world.
Strangled mental health.
The singer tells it with poetry, but without syrups in the songs of her new work,
Riderless Horse,
which could be translated as
Horse without a rider,
a title that she describes in how dangerous her life had become.
“The process has been painful and the path to defend it now live and talk about it is not easy either.
But I accept it as a form of therapy because it helps me understand everything, ”she says in a phone call where she does not dodge questions and even bursts out laughing.
First, he has to kick his dog out of the room where he conducts the interview, and she doesn't stop barking at him.
"Sorry, I'm here," she says when she returns.
Basically, what Nina has done is survive abuse, grief, psychological problems and a disastrous experience with ayahuasca (a hallucinogen) that had her in her bed for a year.
The life and artistic story of Nastasia (Los Angeles, 56 years old) cannot be dissociated from that of Kennan Gudjonsson.
Nina and Kennan were a couple for 25 years, sentimental and artistic.
He participated in her first six albums (from 2000 to 2010): producing, playing instruments, creating the design of the covers and even accompanying her live.
It was a fruitful and praised creative partnership when they released records.
However, in his small apartment in the New York neighborhood of Chelsea, a nightmare began to monopolize all hours of the day.
The psychological abuse that he exerted on her forced Nina to leave music, according to her own account.
The couple locked themselves in their toxic world for a decade.
“We were unhappy and chaos and mental illness took over.
The last year of our relationship was very hard.
There came a time when we were not able to take care of ourselves.
We were very unhinged psychologically.
I felt like if we stayed together [pause a few seconds ago]…I just can't imagine what would have happened.”
Even creating music together became "an absolute source of misery."
They hid from the world, in walls that they saw as a couple who loved each other exercised abuse, control and manipulation.
"It was as if the blackest mold in the world was growing on the surface of our floor," explains the singer.
And she decided to break up with him, to save them both.
Nastasia left the New York apartment where they had been locked up for 10 years on January 26, 2020;
Gudjonsson committed suicide the next day.
"It was terrible.
In part I felt responsible.
I got some reaction from his friends, who came to say: if you hadn't left, he wouldn't have committed suicide.
OMG!
It was an action I took because I had no other way out.
Yes, I felt responsible for his death, although I know that intellectually I am not.
I still feel a little guilty
but I have to live with that,” he says.
In the lyrics of the new songs contained in
Riderless Horse
and performed on guitar and voice describes the process.
In
Go Away,
she sings: “There is no other way: to leave and that way you keep a piece.
/ Bury me and feel free.”
In
Ask Me,
she intones: "I love you, but every day we are closer to death."
Kennan Gudjonsson and Nina Nastasia in an image posted on 'Esopus Magazine' Facebook.
“Actually the album is an act of empowerment.
There I document all the pain, but also a happiness in discovering my ability to survive, ”she says.
They are songs of a strange beauty: Nina's diary contains dark passages, but she recounts them in a sweet and seductive voice.
Musically, she moves in the American author's song, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell and more contemporary things, like the British Laura Marling.
In those dark years they tried to find solutions to get out of their oppressive ecosystem.
Any option could be saving.
The couple experimented with the hallucinogenic herbs typical of shamanship.
“We felt so caught up in our misery that we went to an ayahuasca ceremony, not knowing much.
We weren't regular drug users, but we were told that this one opened your mind and could come in handy for our depression."
The first time they tried it, they felt good.
The grass did its work and they perceived things from a stimulating perspective.
“It was very special and everything seemed beautiful to me.
So I thought, 'Well, hell, let's try it again.'
This second trip was disastrous and Nina went into a psychotic break.
“It's hard to explain, but it's the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.
She was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the singer thought about entering a psychiatric center.
"But my doctor advised me that a hospital might still be a bit scary considering my situation."
The singer decided to stay at home, in a situation of semi-consciousness due to the effect of the drugs and practically without getting out of bed.
“It took me a year to get over that and get off the pills,” she says.
During this time, Gudjonsson cared for her.
After the disappearance of her partner, Nastasia went to live in a New York country house with two friends.
Producer Steve Albini went there to help her make
Riderless Horse
.
The four of them ate together, cried, laughed and told stories.
Nina has lived in an extreme situation from which she has not yet come out.
After the album, her next step is to go on tour.
She has already opened for Mogwai and now she wants to continue.
“I can't wait to get in a van, put my guitar in there and play.
I feel great to get through the situation,” she notes.
Before saying goodbye, she makes one point clear: “Kennan [Gudjonsson] was an extraordinary person to anyone who knew him.
He was just beautiful, but also incredibly maddening."
