Fear of commitment: You should never react like this when you are with a relationship phobic

Created: 07/28/2022, 2:40 p.m

By: Juliane Gutmann

People who are afraid of commitment break up when things get serious or don't even get involved in partnerships.

You can find out here how women and men who are afraid of commitment behave.

There are many different fears: arachnophobia is the fear of spiders, agoraphobia is claustrophobia and necrophobia is the fear of death or dead things.

Some people also fear when it comes to relationships.

Relationship phobics cannot get involved in a partnership - and are often not only in their own way.

Those who fall in love with someone who is afraid of commitment also face a major challenge.

But there are ways that it can still work.

Typical for fear of commitment: flight to work, illness or infidelity

Fear of commitment does not affect people overnight: "The disorder can arise if you were badly hurt in a previous relationship," quotes

psychotherapist Stefanie Stahl.

However, it is usually formed in the first two years of life.

"So it sits very deep," says the expert.

Celebrate together: What is the most normal thing in the world for most couples can pose a big problem for attachment phobics.

© dpa/Ole Spata

Typical for people with fear of commitment: ambivalent behavior

An overview of the classic behavioral patterns of relationship phobics:

• Cold and dismissive behavior towards the partner

• Ambivalent behavior: Self-contradictory behavior in the form of extreme fluctuations between detailed declarations of love and cool detachment;

  The reason: On the one hand, people with a fear of attachment feel the need for closeness and security, but this quickly becomes too much for them and they feel restricted.

• Responsibility and obligations in a relationship are rejected

• on-off relationships

• The partner's expectations are felt to be very restrictive and trigger flight reflexes

• Those affected flee into work, hobbies, illness or infidelity in order to distance themselves from their partner

Relationships with someone who suffers from attachment anxiety can be toxic.

You can find out here which signs speak of a toxic partnership.

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"A relationship with an attachment phobic only has one chance if you stop clinging to it"

People with attachment phobia usually have a great fear of being abandoned or disappointed.

Accordingly, they do not even enter into a relationship and keep people at a distance so that this danger is averted.

Because if you don't have a relationship, you can't be left or hurt by your partner.

According to psychotherapist Doris Wolf, most of those affected would not seek help: “People who are afraid of commitment rarely come to therapy.

They don't see themselves as disturbed."

Read here why men suffer more often from fear of commitment.

Even if the term does not suggest it: Many relationship phobics have relationships - often in the form of long-distance relationships or affairs.

But marriages are also possible.

For the partner, this often means that they have to struggle with their partner's proximity/distance problems: the relationship phobic closes, the partner clings all the more.

"A relationship with a commitment phobic only has a chance if you stop clinging to it," says psychotherapist Stahl, according to

.

Only when you can let the phobic go are they no longer afraid of constriction.

A non-understanding partner will never be able to love properly, the affected partner should be aware of that.

"But if he is willing to work on himself, there is a chance for healing," said Stahl.

How do men who are afraid of commitment behave?

Fear of commitment manifests itself very differently depending on the cause and type of trigger, informs the AOK.

Sometimes there is no answer to an important question, sometimes the partner disappears for weeks, it is said.

The authors Theresa König and Ole Andersen have dealt with the phenomenon in more detail in their book “Understanding and Overcoming the Fear of Commitment”.

They describe the possible symptoms that women and men with attachment anxiety can show as follows: The partner finds that something in the relationship is not right and looks for mistakes, he becomes overly critical and is bothered by small flaws that were always there .

He withdraws emotionally, flees into the hustle and bustle and also keeps his distance, the AOK continues to quote the two authors.

This can change the attitude towards the relationship – on both sides.

Whether and when the feelings come back cannot be answered in general terms.

This depends heavily on the severity of the attachment anxiety and the willingness of both partners to keep the relationship alive and working on it.

Couples therapy can be a useful way to get back together.