"Cancer shook my faith in the world - this journey brought it back"

Hagar Bona got cancer at a young age and it was a trauma for her that made it difficult for her to return to life.

A group on behalf of "Choosing Life" managed to alleviate her loneliness and give her hope.

This is her story

Hagar Bona, personal column

08/17/2022

Wednesday, August 17, 2022, 10:22 am Updated: 10:49 am

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Part of recovering from cancer includes establishing a new agreement with life, which is not easy.

Hagar Bona on a trip to Holland (Photo: Eran Cohen)

Getting cancer at a young age is traumatic.

Something in the basic agreement with the world has been compromised.

The relationship of trust is undermined in such a fundamental way that only a thread remains, as thin and fragile as uncooked spaghetti, that connects the person who fell ill with the world he left behind.

Between the one that heals, and the world that is broken.

Part of recovering from cancer includes establishing a new agreement with life.

I tried to get back to life, to do this myself, and my experience in the last few years has shown me that it is a more complex business than I thought, and that most people need help in this process.

Fortunately, during my attempt to get back to myself, I heard about "choosing life".

The team in this important project makes it possible to cross this chasm through good roofing.

What started with bi-weekly meetings on Thursday afternoons, recently ended in an ongoing event of an 8-day sailing trip in the North Sea in the Netherlands.

From existential loneliness to the feeling that I am part of something

A year ago all this would have sounded imaginary to me.

Who would have thought I would be part of a group?

I really wanted to be, but I couldn't find my place.

A deep feeling of loneliness accompanied me everywhere I tried to go, and especially among my peers, whom I envied so much for maintaining the illusion that there is a cause and effect to the events of the world.

My many efforts to continue on track, to return to life took a lot of strength from me at best, and came to naught at worst.

I felt abnormal;

Like I was trying to force a piece of a puzzle to squeeze in and fit into a neighboring puzzle.

When I got to "Choosing Life" it changed.

Each of us came with a different goal and a different calling for the journey, and actually for this year as well.

Somehow the team to whom we entrusted our security, managed to give enough space both to the individual and to what unites us as a group, so that each of us could work on what we deserved.

We are not in each other's hands, creatures that always have mutual relations.

And yet each of us feels very lonely due to being separated from the group of equals (friends at school, in the army, family), from the crowd of healthy people, in the soloist stand in the face of death, the unknown, the pain, in front of the heart of the world.

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Lest it be misunderstood, it was only thanks to the material and spiritual support I received from my relatives and friends that I was able to overcome my illness;

By the strength of this love these lines are written.

Today I know this is also true for other young recoverers.

And it is true that one can feel a lot of loneliness alongside a deep, warm emotion full of gratitude for everything we received during this period.

Joining the "Choosing Life" program addresses this alienation and takes care of it.

Who would have believed that a young man with cropped hair (Korhat's memories) could make me feel so happy.

For the first time I put into words the magnitude of the relief during a group outing we did, after one of the meetings at the association's offices in Givatayim.

We sat over a beer to talk, and the conversation sailed between abysses and heights, between seriousness and humor, between cancer and everyday life, effortlessly.

I looked at our table from the side when I went to make a phone call, and I was struck by the insight of how strange and wonderful it is, that there is nothing really that sets me apart from my four tablemates: we've all been through cancer, chemotherapy, the world will be destroyed for all of us.

In one way or another, each of us chose life

The peak of this sense of connection and partnership was during the trip to the Netherlands.

It was hard to believe that the journey would come to fruition until it did, certainly when the association for the word 'wave' was 'Tuesday' or 'Wednesday', depending on which number of corona we are, and not a splash of sea water from the deck of the summertime ship.

And here are my deep fears - the recurrence of the cancer, a new disability due to side effects, the damage to self-esteem as a result of the dramatic physical changes that occur during the illness - are also expressed by my roommate on the ship.

My laughter echoes in the bellies of others, my smile is reflected in the waves, my spirit takes shape and becomes real, by an affirmation that gives a conversation partner or all of us, marching in the white shirts of the association, attract attention in line at the airport and explain to those who ask, that in one way or another each of us has chosen life , and he was lucky and a good person on the way - a doctor, a social worker, a nurse, a father - introduced him to the plan.

Accelerated maturation journey.

The journey to Holland of those who choose life (photo: Eran Cohen)

The first day was complex.

But already at 20:30 we arrived at our sailing ship, on which we spent the following days and nights.

After a quick tour of the residences, some of us wondered if they were indeed right in their decision to travel.

The bedrooms are the size of a shared apartment in a shared apartment in Tel Aviv, there are people everywhere and there is not a shred of privacy... What is so unique about this trip, that the team insisted on each and every one of us going out?

Around 22:30 the setting sun kisses the horizon;

Some of us go to the coastal town of Kampen, some of us call a friend on the phone.

We go to bed with mixed feelings.

The morning came and yesterday's discomfort was forgotten with the movement of the sea, and I jumped, all excited - to get on board.

From that moment on, I decided to devote myself to the journey.

One of the most significant moments for me happened later that day, in a conversation with one of the members of the group.

The two-and-evening conversation intersects and unravels alternately, about cancer and life.

We sat on the deck, our eyes captivated by the best television program in the world: sea and sky stretching from here to here.

The pale summer sun lit up the clouds and blurred the horizon, so that it was hard to tell where the sea ended and the sky began.

Thanks to the gray wind turbines visible on the horizon, we could learn that we were in the Netherlands.

That moment of gazing at infinity, and other moments on the journey gave me a sense of clarity.

For episodes I could look at choices I made in my life, since the illness, but not only, and realize that they are choices and not a fait accompli.

Elections, mostly coups, and nothing more.

to be part of something

The members of the delegation of those who choose life (photo: Yossi Mesa)

During the trip itself, for 7 days and nights, we did everything: bicycle trips, riding a tuk-tuk - a kind of motorized tricycle, as old-fashioned as a fax machine, cruises to the islands, inner work and empowerment workshops.

We cooked together, slept together, got sick with Corona together.

We banged our heads on the low ceiling of the ship's belly, we banged our heads in bars in Amsterdam, we talked into the night, and sometimes into the morning.

We cried from excitement, sadness, laughter, from sea water entering the eyes.

The experience of being at sea opens the heart.

The combination of so many unique events: a joint stay of 40 people for a week in one small space, sailing in the middle of the sea, mooring in a place of mudesh and changing the external environment every day, the generosity and warmth of all the participants, the workshops and the individual and group work and the symbolic component make the journey unforgettable .

All of these create a distinct and special state of mind, which makes it possible to undergo maturation and an emotional process within a few days.

The good that was showered on us throughout the year in general and during the trip in Holland in particular, is that it allows us to make an up-to-date alliance with life.

The great love and wisdom given to us by the team, together with the material gifts we received during the journey are a side of the road.

Thanks to them we can agree to choose life again.

Choosing Life was a response to the distress I felt since I finished the chemotherapy treatments.

The journey of those who choose life to the Netherlands (photo: Eran Cohen)

'Choosing Life' is probably the show with the name that correlates the most with its content.

The length of the program is one year, and it is intended for young people (18-30 years old, in body and sometimes in mind) who are recovering from cancer.

It is promoted by the 'Mariim' program, which supports young people while they go through the illness and treatments.

For me, choosing life was an answer to the distress I felt since I finished the chemotherapy treatments and tried to get back to life.

To the voters who are going to participate in the program and the journey in the Netherlands in particular, it is appropriate to tell the truth: participation in the program transforms us, and for this to happen we must be emotionally mobilized for the process.

The emotional range contained in each activity of 'choosing life' is wide: wild joy and deep sadness alternate between them, the silence of lack and childish noise alternately fill the space and the heart.

Although it is a process that requires dedication and trust, and due to the absolute value of these, the fruits and achievements of participating in the program accordingly.

• health

Tags

• cancer

• Netherlands