You don't want the children to keep secrets from you.

This is how you prevent it

We all want to believe that if our child gets into trouble, he will turn to us for help.

But for this to happen, you need a lot of trust at home and open communication.

And that needs to be worked on.

Dr. Dina Dolev explains how to do it (and how it relates to your secrets)

Dr. Niva Dolev

08/19/2022

Friday, August 19, 2022, 08:26

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Everyone has secrets, but the important things - you should know.

A girl with a worried and guilty look (Photo: ShutterStock)

Family secrets are one of the least talked about parenting secrets.

And it makes sense, because we tend to keep secrets.

On the other hand, we all want to think that our children will tell us their secrets, so that we can help and support if necessary.

This is especially important in today's challenging reality, saturated with media that parents do not have access to, that are full of risks and false information, and where a major part of social life takes place.

But is it realistic to expect children to tell us their secrets?

What is the desired reality regarding secrets and how do you create it?

First it is important to understand that secrets are part of human nature.

Adam and Eve already kept the fact that they ate the fruit of the tree of knowledge a secret (and we saw how successful it was for them).

As a rule, no one, even the people who consider themselves to be the most honest and authentic, reveals everything about themselves.

And that's okay.

The question is how many hide - and what they hide.

How does a secret become a secret?

There are several main reasons why we keep things secret from others, and they all relate to our human nature.

Understanding these reasons is the beginning of dealing with it.

The first reason for keeping secrets is the desire to protect our self-image, the way we perceive ourselves.

We shape our self-image to a large extent based on how others see us, so what others think of us is very important to us, and we tend to keep secret information that can harm our self-image.

This concern also exists, and perhaps even more, within the family because it is especially important to us what our closest and dearest people think of us.

As parents, we want the children to appreciate us, be proud of us and want to be like us, so why find out something that could make us look bad?

And our children are the same.

They want us to be proud of them and be happy with them, so they will tend to hide mistakes and actions that we don't like that they did, failures they experienced, bad grades or rejection by friends.

Sometimes children try to protect us from things that might make us sad.

A girl looks at girls who talk about her (Photo: ShutterStock)

The second main reason for hiding is to protect others.

We want to protect a child or family members from knowing that we fear you will hurt them, worry them or make them uneasy.

When it comes to our children, we often try to protect them from the outside world, from the problems of the adults, and provide them with as pleasant and positive a childhood as possible.

Sometimes children also try to protect their parents from things that they think may make them sad, such as a low grade or social rejection.

Studies have shown that 40 of the children did not tell their parents about their boycott.

Secrets have many prices

Of course not everything needs to be revealed, but by and large - secrets have many prices.

The secret keeper carries with him a burden that affects him emotionally, cognitively and socially.

You have to be careful about what you say so that the secret is not revealed, you feel guilt and shame about the concealment and the secret, and above all you carry the burden alone.

Studies show that such a secret affects all functioning, lowers energy and functioning levels in other areas as well.

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Those from whom the secret is kept usually feel something is happening, especially children who have strong sesmographs and tune in to non-verbal messages.

This ambiguity creates feelings of restlessness, tension and helplessness.

In trying to guess what is hidden, the brain usually conjures up scenarios that are even worse than reality, and children tend to blame themselves for what is happening (which they don't really understand).

If the secret is revealed, and secrets have a tendency to be revealed, a feeling of hurt arises - they did not trust me enough to share with me.

All of these obviously affect the dynamics and communication in the entire family.

The goal: open communication

Open communication, one where there are as few secrets as possible, has a positive effect on the family, not only in relation to the specific secret but more generally.

And it starts with the personal example of the parents.

First, the participation of family members, and children in particular, conveys the message that we trust them, that we believe they are "mature" enough to understand and participate, and this message builds a sense of competence in the children.

Secondly, our sharing teaches children that there is open communication in the family, that even when it's difficult, they share and don't hide or deal with it alone, and that dealings are done together because it's much easier.

This sharing will be a model, will build the nature of family communication and when they go through something that is important for us to know, the chance that they will share with us increases.

It is important that the family communication on the issue of disclosure be inclusive and non-judgmental, between the parents for example, in order to alleviate the fear of damage to the image.

In order to create open and inclusive communication, it is important to devote time to dialogue, to talk about feelings and doubts and not only about actions, and to start from as young an age as possible.

Emotions are important information that we often miss and don't teach children to listen to.

Understanding the emotions helps to manage them and share them.

It is also important to talk about feelings and doubts.

Father and son talking (Photo: ShutterStock)

Third, and despite our tendency as parents to protect our children and not tell things to hurt them, whether it's our difficulties or things that happen in the news.

Resilience studies, the field that deals with the ability to overcome difficult life situations and even thrive after them, show that a protected and worry-free life is not necessarily the way to develop resilience.

We often resort to "lawnmower parenting" in which we try to go ahead of our children and pave an easier path for them, but in doing so we do not prepare them for life and the world.

Family participation even in challenges and difficulties makes it possible to deal with them in a supportive and mediating environment, age-appropriate and to offer coping strategies that will provide coping maps for challenges in the future.

One of the most important abilities for resilience that has emerged in research is the ability to ask for help and lean on others when needed.

If we share with children the difficulties we are going through, they will learn that asking for help is a strength and not a weakness, and will use it when needed.

Your children need imperfect parents

To share personal things and especially difficulties requires a willingness not to appear perfect all the time and not to protect one's self-image at any cost.

Precisely the discovery of weakness - what is called vulnerability in the professional literature - has a huge contribution to raising children.

Children who live with parents who try to maintain an image of "perfect" (which we all know does not exist) and who do not show weakness or share difficulties, often develop a lack of confidence, because the bar is too high and unrealistic, and then with every difficulty or temporary failure, they feel like they have failed.

The inspiration by imperfection is much more effective than the presentation of perfection.

Sharing a secret that has difficulty calms children, allows them to see how the adults around them cope, and also share their difficulties.

I, for example, failed the first time in statistics in the first year and since then this story has served me thousands of times when I stand in front of despairing students - and also with my own children.

In conclusion, open family communication often requires a change in our parental thinking and perception and ingrained habits.

But even if it's hard, it's worth it.

When there are secrets in the family, there is a high chance that the children will not share with us, even if they are boycotted, bullied or hurt.

And when we don't know, we can't help.

And being alone with a secret is very difficult.

Beyond that, it's no secret that open and shared communication will develop among our children abilities and skills important to life in general, ones that will contribute to well-being, ability and success.

Successfully.

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• parenthood

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• secrets

• parenthood

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