Are morning goodbyes still a nightmare?

This is what you should do

A week into the return to routine, many parents realize that the hard part is still ahead of them.

It is difficult for many children to say goodbye in the morning at the entrance to kindergarten, and to be honest - it is also very difficult for parents.

How do you deal with it?

Ayelet Shurer-Mamluk

07/09/2022

Wednesday, 07 September 2022, 08:00 Updated: 08:22

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Hands holding my clothes at the moment of parting.

A crying child (Photo: ShutterStock)

Some years ago, I accompanied my youngest son to the municipal kindergarten for the first time.

I did everything I knew needed to be done to help him deal with the first separation: we talked about it at home in advance, we went to see the kindergarten together, we packed the bag together the night before me, we mentioned the names of the familiar children he would meet in kindergarten, and how nice it would be for him to play with them, and also The name of the kindergarten teacher, who will help him say goodbye in the morning.

I knew and prepared well for the moment of parting, the difficulty and crying.

But no one prepared me in advance for the difficulty expected for me, his mother, at the moment of the separation itself.

His hands holding on to my clothes at the moment of parting, refusing to let go, and his crying and tearful figure, peering at me through the garden window - accompanied me throughout that day and are deeply etched in me to this very day.

Yes, even parents sometimes find it difficult to say goodbye in the morning.

There is no doubt that the difficulty of saying goodbye to our dear children and leaving them in "foreign" hands is a natural and understandable difficulty, the roots of which are deeply rooted in our evolutionary system.

The one designed to keep the parent protecting his offspring and ensuring their survival and development.

At the same time, reality shows that there are parents who find it particularly difficult to say goodbye and let go.

why?

The reasons for this can be various and varied.

For example: lack of confidence in the young child's ability to cope on his own, excessive identification with the child's difficulty and distress, parental feelings of guilt or lack of trust in the system.

The children feel your anxiety

Whatever the reason, a parent who finds it very difficult to say goodbye and "let go" of his child - paradoxically may make it difficult to "sabotage" his separation process.

Whether we want it or not, the young child feels our anxiety, sees our mobilization to protect him and our difficulty in letting him go, and receives from this a problematic message: that we do not trust him and his abilities, that he is still small and unable to cope on his own, or that he cannot be trusted On no one, except his parents.

Not by chance, when the parent finds it particularly difficult to say goodbye to his child, the child's separation process also becomes more difficult and prolonged.

The matter becomes especially complex, when it comes to a sensitive child, with an innate tendency to anxiety (yes, there is such a thing), in combination with a parent who overidentifies.

The connection between the two may create a negative "vicious circle", which is getting stronger, of anxiety that is very difficult to get out of.

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What can be done to ease the separation process?

1. In any case where the parent and the child encounter separation difficulties, it is recommended to share and ask for the help of the kindergarten teacher and the educational staff.

An experienced educational team will know how to help you and support your child throughout the entire adaptation process.

2. It is very important to understand the importance of our parents' reaction and behavior to the child's separation and adaptation process.

The more the parent is aware of himself and the consequences of the anxiety he transmits to his child, the greater the chance of a better progress of the child's separation and adaptation process.

It is important to emphasize that this does not detract from the important assistance and support that the parent gives his child in the first days (or even weeks) of adapting to kindergarten.

We are talking about situations in which the parent delays the gradual adaptation process when he finds it particularly difficult to 'let go' over time.

You should know the kindergarten teacher and use her experience.

Kindergarten (Photo: ShutterStock)

3. It is also important to understand the importance of the separation process for the development of children.

Often, out of a sincere desire to support and help our child, we forget (or are unaware) of the benefits inherent in the release and separation process for his normal development.

When the parent learns to 'let go' and trust in his child's abilities to face the challenge - he gradually strengthens his confidence in himself and his abilities.

He teaches him to trust his parents (and other characters in his life later), because a circle of separations ends, for the most part, in a reunion.

And it gives him an important lesson in the ability to cope and adapt to changes and transitions in his life.

4. When the parent (and perhaps the child as well) finds it particularly difficult to let go, sometimes it is worthwhile to examine the possibility of using another person.

Often it will be the child's other parent, as much as possible.

Experience shows that a divorce from one parent is not the same as a divorce from the other parent, and sometimes just switching roles during the morning goodbye can be very helpful for all concerned.

5. If the process takes too long or its level of difficulty increases - it is recommended to seek professional advice.

• health

• parenthood

Tags

• Children

• parents

• Kinder gardens

• back to school

• crying

• anxiety