Yes, nothing happened: why is it important to validate what the children feel?

Why do we silence our children's feelings?

They are told again and again "nothing happened", "there is no reason to be afraid", "there is no need to cry"?

The article that will make you think differently about emotions

Dana said, in collaboration with JAMA

09/20/2022

Tuesday, September 20, 2022, 07:22

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There is no need to expand on the fact that we are in the midst of an "emotional revolution".

And actually, if we think about it, it's really nothing new. Philosophy has focused on emotions since the time of the philosopher Aristotle who referred to our "sixth sense", the one that, unlike the five normal senses, gives us the answer to what is happening inside us?

How we feel inside about everything that happens outside.

You can call it "inner voice" or intuition.

And the point is that this is the most important purpose of emotions - to signal to us what our situation is.

Emotions allow us to make a connection about how we feel inside in the face of the changing environment.

For example, when is our time to stay away from a certain situation in order to protect ourselves?

When and to whom is it appropriate to approach?

Who can be trusted?

Who is on my side and who is against me?

I'm sure there isn't a parent who doesn't want their child to learn exactly that!

If only with the understanding that we will not always be there by his side and he will have to sooner or later, meet life, the environment, the changes, the world.

So why do we silence their feelings?

They are told time and time again "nothing happened", "there is no reason to be afraid", "there is no need to cry"...

The answer may lie in the fact that as parents it is very difficult for us to see our children experience negative emotions, it is difficult for us to see them sad or frustrated, it hurts us to see them afraid or jealous, and in

fact if we could make them just be happy and happy all the time we would probably do the This.

But let's face the truth, it's not possible to be happy all the time, and the good news is, developmentally you really don't need to either.

Darwin said it a long time ago - what is essential for us to survive is the ability to deal with changes, to adapt ourselves to the changing environment.

So for our children to develop properly they need to learn to adapt to the environment, practice their emotional regulation,

In other words, this means that the key is in regulating the intensity of the reactions, this is what will ultimately determine their adaptation to the environment in a good way.

And here, as usual, we the parents enter the equation, our reactions have a decisive effect on the children's regulatory abilities, they learn about the world through us, trust their changing environment through their interactions and relationship with us, so what can we say to them where nothing happened?

Everything is fine?

Stop crying?

· Relax!

-> I see it's hard for you, I'm here

· Stop crying!

-> It's okay to cry

· Nothing happened!

-> You are allowed to feel sad

· Everything is fine!

-> is everything ok?

· It's not that hard!

-> I trust you, you know how to do even difficult things

· First calm down and then come to me -> If you want to be alone for a bit, that's fine, I'm waiting right here on the side

· How can I help?

what do you need?

What will help you relax?

· do not be sad!

-> I see that it's not easy for you, I'm here for you

· What happened?

-> it's really annoying when it happens...you're right

· crap it's just a little scratch -> it would look really painful...are you ok?

And in conclusion, remember, when our children feel negative emotions, when they are stormy and frustrated, they are not free to learn, to hear explanations and certainly not sermons, basically, no one can learn when they are in a storm, let the fog dissipate before you come up with solutions, let them feel everything from everything - this for their benefit.

Written by

Amer - certified behavior analyst, MA in special education, lecturer and expert in accompanying the family unit.

A crying baby (Photo: ShutterStock)

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