The importance of emotional dialogue with your child in the routine
When our child experiences a tantrum or other behavior that is unacceptable to us, many of us tend to "put out fires" in real time, and then - move on and not talk about what happened.
And it's a pity.
This is the way to deal
Nega halo conditional, in collaboration with JAMA
09/29/2022
Thursday, September 29, 2022, 07:22
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When we stop and recreate what happened yesterday in the garden, and process what happened with our girl, the perspective of time produces a different point of view.
We can be much more mutually attentive.
When we are in the "eye of the storm" - there is no attention.
Sometimes, we have a tendency to start educating our children in a real time situation.
Get angry and ask in criticism "Why did you do that?"
Or in an accusatory tone to ask - "What happened?"
so what are we doing?
How do you manage situations in real time?
Start their management while "off line".
While he is disconnected from the situation he does not come to "put out fires", but to create an emotional discourse as part of the ongoing discourse in the communication between us and our child.
Imagine you are packing a bag for a trip in tropical weather.
One that changes all the time.
Sometimes it's hot and humid and it's raining, and sometimes it's sunny.
Put in the bag a hat, sunscreen, mosquito repellent, paracetamol, plaster, umbrella and top.
and then,
This is how you prepare with your child when you talk to them about feelings at a time detached from the particular event.
It doesn't have to be following something that happened to them, it can even be your experience from a day at work.
Once you talk to your children, they will see how you deal with different situations.
What goes through you, what you think, feel, and how you react.
They will learn how you create spaces for yourself between the event and your reaction to the event.
They will learn how you conduct an intrapersonal dialogue with yourself to try to give an alternative interpretation to the event and situation.
They will take part in the conversation, they will express their opinion, they will offer other ways of looking from an angle that you have not seen.
In this way, you will create with them a processing for the thinking process and the management of reactions, you will normalize situations that create challenges for us and together you will create fertilization for finding solutions.
All these are part of the toolbox you pack in the same "bag", the same social skills.
Then, in real time, all you have to do is "pull out of the bag" what you prepared in advance, in the conversation last night before going to bed.
But what do we do in real time anyway?
(Assuming there was an offline conversation while disconnected)
In real time, our child is really not paying attention to what we tell him.
He is in an emotional state where he cannot contain any information and any logical explanations for what he did and what he was supposed to do and certainly not the forgiveness that we stubbornly demand that he ask for because we are not comfortable with the other mother waiting for an "appropriate" response from us.
At this moment, we take our child aside, get down to his eye level and start the listening process.
The word "process" sounds like something very long and even tedious, but in fact it's only a few minutes, the whole purpose of which is to see my child.
The situation in which we stop and "freeze" the situation, produces reflection and staying in full presence and love for a moment with what is present.
Without judging, without educating, without criticizing.
Just be with it for a moment and hold together with my child his experience in this moment.
the difficulty and the pain, and to be with him in this, even if it is not pleasant for us.
Our child asks us - "First understand and see me!"
This is his request
A conversation in real time, in addition to inclusion and listening, also includes an assertive approach of what can be done differently in terms of our limits as parents, such as a proposal for a different course of action or behavior.
For example, we can say to our child "instead of hitting or insulting - you turn to us", and there is a reference on our part to the place of the other party and how he felt.
We want to encourage our child to develop the ability to see the other, and to understand that there are reactions to his behavior from the environment and that there are feelings on the other side as well.
This is the "socialization" stage which is critical for understanding our child's place in the world and in society, and allows learning an accepted behavioral code that is carried out through mediation and translation of reality on our part for the purpose of understanding the situation.
The more emotional discourse there is while offline - the more we can create a place and legitimize our child's feelings, and so on, there will be practice and learning of a new interpretation during a routine - the more likely that in real time, the challenging situations will be reduced and shortened and more space will be created between the event and the reaction.
By:
, parent and family instructor, NLP instructor, holistic child therapist and relationship counselor
Father and son (Photo: ShutterStock)
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