It won't happen to us?

This is how children affect the relationship

We deal a lot with the great influence we have on the children, how we parents shape their lives, how the family and the home we will create will form their secure base, but there is another important question that receives less attention - how does the family we created affect us?

Dana said, in collaboration with JAMA

04/10/2022

Tuesday, 04 October 2022, 07:22

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In recent years, there has been a growing awareness that becoming parents is a shock, a growing understanding that parenthood changes world orders in our personalities, and the changes are no less than dramatic.

It starts with brain and hormonal changes (today we know completely also in the man), the purpose of which is to help us be more sensitive and attuned to the baby, and continues

with the change of our personal and marital identity.

The order of priorities is changing, sensitivities are intensifying, world views are expanding and sharpening. We are experiencing emotional, social and behavioral changes that affect and will continue to affect the whole life that is now being reorganized.

And yet, alongside the wealth of information, despite the awareness and understanding, many couples say to themselves "it won't happen to us".

Many couples still hope that parenting is just an addition of meaning and doing things together, want to believe that taking care of a baby is a positive and empowering experience, still many couples are sure that friendship and intimacy will be preserved exactly as it was.

And maybe the dog is buried here - the gap between hopes and reality is too great.

Like it or not, the fact is that we have gone from two to three (at least), the balance is broken and the expectation that the balance will be the same is unrealistic.

The baby naturally diverts the focus of interest and investment in the relationship towards investment in the family, now parenting is the full time job and the relationship moves to half time.

Resources of time, money and emotional energies that have been directed to the marital relationship are now directed to the baby.

The money for the weekend in the north is kept in a savings fund, the long sleep together on Saturday morning turns into spending time at a gym or picking strawberries near your place of residence.

But right there, at four in the morning on the physio ball, your family begins, where your parental identity takes shape and that's how it should be.

The young parents who until a moment ago were on a couple and romantic honeymoon should recognize and be happy about the changing reality - and remember that it happens to everyone.

Every relationship goes through a period of changing seasons, but our natural tendency is to generalize and paint everything in a uniform color: "She's always angry...", "We don't have fun together anymore...", "We stopped talking...", " He never helps...", she doesn't see me anymore...".

Just like every year we say - "It was never such a hot summer..."

Our memory is short.

The best gift you can give For your children, it is the strongest connection between you and it is not in the sky, it is possible to have a strong relationship even in the midst of the storm:

Banal - but let's talk about it: the suggestion to "talk to each other about the difficulties and experiences" may sound trivial, but sharing can completely lower the threshold of frustration and anger and on the way to neutralize misunderstandings ("If I knew there was such a load at work I wouldn't be so angry Whose turn

is it

to be a mother?

Even if your ambition is an equal distribution of the burden, it is still possible to carry out an appropriate division of roles, one that will allow each of the partners to focus on the aspects of care that are convenient for them. You will be surprised how many conflicts

can be avoided if you define tasks in advance - everyone gives according to their ability and receives according to their needs (because come on, almost It is impossible for you to have the same abilities)

the change starts with you - with all the desire to preserve what was before the children and with all the memories and longings that will flood you from the days of singleness, try to flow with the changes, open yourself to new customs, new hobbies, this is a period of movement and flexibility is required.

What came first - the parent or the person?

So it is true that it is important that the needs of the baby and the family receive the focus and be at the center of the agenda, but it is equally important that you take care of yourself. Make time for your needs as individuals and as a couple. This will allow you to feel relaxed, recharge your batteries and function better as parents.

Written by

Amer - certified behavior analyst, MA in special education, lecturer and expert in accompanying the family unit.

Tired parents with a baby (Photo: ShutterStock)

The Jama application was established with the aim of responding to mothers of babies between the ages of birth and three, and to gather for them content, activities, tips from experts and videos that will accompany them throughout this challenging period.

All the content in the application "grows" together with the baby and is precisely adapted to the stages of his development, so that the mothers receive only what is relevant to them and interests them at any given moment.

The Jama app is the place for mothers in Israel to meet and get to know other mothers around them, and to create new and exciting friendships in the fascinating journey.

Search us on Google: https://app.jama.co.il/

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