In recent days, the number of people killed in road accidents for 2022 has crossed 300.

Every time there is a news story about a fatal accident, most of us stop for a moment, get sad, and soon move on with our daily routine.

But the family that knocks on her door and tells her the bitter news - in one second her life changes forever.

The life before will never be the same as the life after, and at once the family is caught in a vortex that is very difficult to get out of.

The bitter news

In cases of death due to traffic accidents, which is always a sudden death, at the stage of receiving the bitter news there are many times statements like: "It can't be, I just talked to him", or "I made an appointment with him for today, it's not possible".

There is great difficulty in actually accepting the gospel and accepting the fact of death.

Over time, as the hours tick by, the understanding becomes clearer that the worst of all has indeed happened.

How do we move on?

From the moment of receiving the news, the family entered into great confusion.

Suddenly, what was very clear becomes a question mark.

The routine they were used to suddenly stops and it is not clear what will happen now.

How do you continue life?

What to do?

At this stage, those families need assistance and support from the environment - the extended family, good friends and acquaintances who will help bring a little order and organization into the chaos that has been created, and will assist in coordinating the funeral and organizing the sheba.

The loss is hard to contain, photo: GettyImages, illustration

after seven

During Shava the family is usually very much hugged and wrapped, so that the family members do not have many lonely moments and time to sink into thoughts.

At the end of the seven days, when the house is empty and the loneliness screams, the pain becomes even worse.

It is similar to a person who has lost the ability to move and has to learn from the beginning how to walk.

At this stage, it is recommended to contact a social worker who will help the family deal with the loss and grief, and give space for an open discussion about what happened, without judgment.

In this space you can talk about everything, even the things that are difficult to talk about, for example the anger about the person who died.

"I told him ten times not to get on the motorcycle in rainy weather and yet he got on, and that's what happened."

In front of other people it is difficult to express this range of emotions, and in front of the attorney you can talk about everything. The anger, the feelings of guilt, the blame, the confusion and of course the pain.

After the oath, the real fight begins.

The cemetery in Safed, photo: Eyal Margolin Gini, archive

The coping journey

Many times, when families are in the deep pit of pain, they fantasize about someone coming, reaching out to them and pulling them out of that pit at once.

It's a fantasy that doesn't come true, because as soon as a family member is killed, a journey begins.

It is a long journey of a coping process, and the progress in it is in very small steps, again - like a person who is just learning to walk.

It is very difficult to think the day after, what my life will look like now.

It seems like a high mountain that there is no way to cross.

The way to deal is to deal with each day: each day is a challenge in itself, and slowly there is an adaptation to the new reality, with all the pain involved.

Personal pace

It is important to understand that everyone deals with the loss differently and everyone has a different pace, and to give it legitimacy without being judgmental.

We often see in the same family different ways of coping - one family member constantly needs to be in the company of people and tell about who we are not, and another family member closes in on herself and needs her peace.

In such an abnormal reality - every reaction is normal.

The goal is to identify where each family member is and what they need now.

don't stay alone

Every person is alone in mourning.

No one can understand what the loss is for another person, even if it is a family member, because the relationship they had with the deceased varies from person to person.

Coping with the loss is very individual, and in the end the person is left with himself.

It is important to help others as much as possible, because loneliness is unbearable.

Loneliness causes us to sink deeper into the vortex, and it is good to use friends, acquaintances or professionals in order not to remain alone, and not to be sucked down.

talk about the deceased

If in the past it was customary to downplay talking about the dead with the mistaken thought that it would reduce the pain, today it is known that the opposite is true.

It is important to have a noticeable presence of the deceased, to talk about him, and to find a way to keep him part of the family.

When the person we lost is present in our life and does not become a family secret, it makes coping easier, because coping becomes everyone's and not each one's own.

new meaning

One of the things that helps a lot in the process of dealing with the loss is finding a new meaning.

In many cases it is a commemoration of various kinds - through social activity, writing a book, producing a film and more.

Others find new meaning through volunteering, car accident prevention activities, giving lectures at schools or helping other families who have experienced a similar loss.

When you find a new meaning following the loss, a significant source of strength is created that helps you cope.

Margo Moyal, photo: PR

In the first moments after receiving the bitter news, great darkness descends, and it is difficult to understand how it will be possible to live life without that person who was killed.

But life teaches us that over time, in a slow and gradual process, we learn to live alongside the pain of loss.

Margo Moyal is a social worker, managing the Ministry of Welfare's assistance program for families who have experienced a sudden loss at Ela's Center for Coping with Loss

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