Guilt takes a heavy toll.
Frustrated mother (Photo: ShutterStock)
"I'm disappointed in myself that I don't manage to spend enough time with him during the week"
"I feel guilty that my house is always noisy and messy"
"I lashed out at them again today and I'm really ashamed and angry with myself"
If any of these statements sound familiar to you, you should know - you really don't Own.
Many parents these days tend to be very judgmental and critical of themselves.
And apparently, we have good reasons for this: we work long hours a day, feel that we must succeed and excel in our careers, and at the same time also be the sensitive, investing and always accessible parents that we are expected to be.
From here, the road to frustration, disappointment and guilt is short and painful.
The problem with these hard feelings towards ourselves is that not only do they not move us towards achieving our goals, they also exact a heavy price on us.
Studies show that in the long term, anger directed inward and harsh self-criticism harm our mental well-being and sometimes our physical health as well.
Beyond that, they may also harm our children.
When we judge and criticize ourselves excessively, our physical stress systems come into action, our level of happiness decreases, our ability to learn and improve is impaired and we tend to behave and react, even towards our loved ones, in a way that is less benevolent and less effective.
The healthy way: self-compassion
But there is also a healthier and more beneficial alternative - self-compassion.
This approach, which originates in the distant regions of Buddhism, has also penetrated our regions in recent years and has gained wide recognition and sympathy among professionals.
According to the well-known compassion researcher, psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, "Self-compassion provides us with an island of calm, a refuge from the stormy seas of self-judgment." Neff identified three components in her research, the combination of which produces self-compassion:
•
Friendliness towards ourselves
. That is: to look at ourselves with kinder and friendlier eyes ("True, I'm not a perfect mother, but hey, I'm doing the best I can right now, and that's really okay...")
•
Recognition of our common humanity
. That is: understanding that we are all human, who experience and also share in the difficult experiences ("I'm really not alone in this, many parents often experience the same feeling")
• Mindfulness (listening).
That is: paying intentional and non-judgmental attention to our experience at the moment, to thoughts and feelings, without ignoring them and without getting carried away and getting mixed up in them ("I'm really tired now", "I'm very angry right now", "I notice that the noise and mess around me is making me restless" ).
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Be kinder to yourself.
A woman hugs herself (Photo: ShutterStock)
Many studies conducted in the field show that practicing self-compassion among parents improves their sense of satisfaction with parenting, reduces feelings of anger, stress and frustration, contributes to greater involvement in achieving their goals, improves compassion and empathy towards their children and contributes to their relationships.
In addition, when we treat ourselves with compassion, we also model for our children a more compassionate and benevolent attitude towards themselves.
How do you practice self-compassion?
Sounds all well and good, but is it even possible to change the habits, the perceptions and attitudes, which are so deeply rooted in us?
The answer is yes, it is possible.
But just like any new skill, it requires practice and persistence from us.
Here are some examples of daily practice, which will not require you a lot of time or unnecessary effort, and you can start implementing today:
1. Pay attention to what is happening to you right now:
stop for a moment.
Pay attention to what is happening to you now (thoughts, feelings, emotions).
Look at it from the side, without criticism or judgment.
If you want, you can also give it words ("I notice that I'm a little tired/sad/angry right now).
2. Talk to yourself kindly:
practice positive and benevolent inner speech towards yourself. For example: "What I'm feeling right now is natural for the situation and human." "I'm only human, I'm learning and next time I'll behave differently", "It's really not easy to be a parent".
3. Send a calming message to the body:
Practice breathing for a few minutes, place your hands on your heart and feel the heat that goes from your palm to your body.
4. Beneficial action
: Allow yourself to take a friendly and beneficial action for yourself (light rest, drinking a cup of tea/coffee, refreshing shower).
Finally, remember that even if all of this seems artificial and strange to you at the moment, self-compassion is an acquired skill, which can be developed and internalized gradually through practice.
You are invited to remind yourself of this the next time a judgmental and painful voice arises in you again towards yourself.
Ayelet Shurer Mamlok, 'Breathing parenting' - guidance for busy parents with toddlers.
Attorney (AM), certified parent facilitator, specializing in early childhood
health
parenthood
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parenthood
guilt
