Hanukkah is considered a holiday full of light and joy.

Many couples and families enjoy the couple and family time, the gathering and lighting the candles together.

In contrast, there are other people, for whom the holiday experience actually perpetuates their sense of loneliness, pain and helplessness within the marital and family experience.

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So how do you change the situation?

Galit and Amir (pseudonyms) came for treatment at the institute.

Galit shared her experience from the Hanukkah holiday.

"In the past, for me it was a holiday full of joy, laughter and shared experiences. When we got married, I was just waiting for the time when I could spend time with Amir and the children, and now, just the thought of gathering together and lighting candles together with Amir and the children, makes me experience fear and pain, I feel that I have a distance from my partner My".

Amir, for his part, says that Galit is moving away from him, and that the race of life leads everyone to separate areas and to avoid staying together as a couple and as parents of four children.

Is this distance normal?

During the treatment we address the complexity of married life, talk about the good and bad times, the sacrifice and the distance, and try to understand what is the root of the problem.

It is important to remember that precisely in the complex periods, in transitions, in the various developmental stages, and of course in life crises, it is important to act with discretion.

You need to stop and remember what brought you together, and what made you decide and institutionalize the marital relationship.

A healthy and mature marital system consists of commitment, friendship, listening, giving, mutual help, encouragement, words of love and appreciation, passion, and a shared ability for physical and emotional intimacy at the same time.

Make time for a regular couple date, photo: Getty Images

So how do you do it?

• Be sure to invest regularly, and preferably on a daily basis - in varied gestures, encouragement and kind words towards each other.

• Even when it's hard for you together, try to take a breath and see the light in your partner.

• Give him kind words that he'll be happy to hear, and you'll usually find that he'll give you a kind word back.

• Never take the marital system for granted.

• Take a breath and don't act impulsively

• Remember that a relationship includes not only the honeymoon phase, but also a routine, which includes completing and accepting the partner, without trying to change him.

• Listen and accept your partner's expectations, even if they differ from yours.

• Divide the roles between you at home and with the children.

  Adapt the division to the scope of work of each of you, to the developmental, professional and personal needs of each of you.

  Also set aside some quality time alone for each of you, a minute to breathe during your busy schedule.

• Listen and be interested in what your partner says, even if the things are of less interest to you.

• Make sure to have a double date on a regular day, without additional partners.

• Try to develop common interests, which will help you connect, and make sure to do them together.

  You can choose a sport that you both like, a joint class that will enrich you, and even just a series that you both like and will watch together will do the trick.

• Don't forget to give personal space to your partner.

  It is allowed and desirable that everyone develops on their own, and do things separately.

  Precisely this separation is part of the marital growth.

• It is allowed to fight.

  You need to know how to fight and how to reconcile, but fights are very important for a relationship, and help release anger.

  Be sure to avoid cursing, threats of separation, or any kind of violence, and limit the time of the conflict to one day.

Limit the time of the debate, photo: Vertical

Although we only celebrate the Hanukkah holiday once a year, it helps us observe situations in a more focused way, and helps us understand what are the obstacles in a relationship that we have to deal with.

Remember - Rome was not built in a day, and you will also have to do the restoration of your relationship step by step.

Try to start with sections that are easy for you to perform, and gradually try to include tasks that are more complex in your marital relationship.

Dr. Ronit Sharon is a lecturer at the Hebrew University. She directs a relationship institute for couple and individual therapy with branches nationwide.

happy hanucah!

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