What would happen if, from time to time, we let sadness take over us, without apprehension of what might come from it, or feeling of shame?
We might be happier.
In any case, this is the thesis of the British journalist and author, Helen Russell, developed in her book
How to be sad
(
How to be sad
, in French), published in October 2021 (1).
Based on her personal journey and scientific research, she explains why we would benefit from facing sadness to optimize our daily happiness.
Allowing ourselves to experience suffering would not only lessen the consequences, but would also make us appreciate even more the moments of joy.
More perseverance, generosity
Being comfortable with her feelings of sadness would help improve her attention to detail, says the author.
It is based here on the research of Joseph P. Forgas, Australian professor of psychology, published in an article in 2014. According to him, people who indulge in sadness are “more attentive to external information and do not rely solely on their first impressions.
This emotion would therefore be an asset for social interactions, for example during conflict situations where communication must be cautious.
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People open to sadness are also more inclined to show generosity, says the psychology professor, joined by journalist Helen Russel.
To demonstrate this, the latter entrusted a sum of money to a group of individuals and analyzed the amount offered by these people to others.
Joseph P. Forgas concluded that
“
those who were in a sad mood gave much more to others than happy people.”
The explanation?
“They took longer to make decisions, suggesting they paid more attention to the needs of others and were more considerate and thoughtful about their choices,” he writes.
Finally, accepting grief from time to time would increase perseverance, observes Joseph P. Forgas.
According to the psychology professor, those who experience this feeling would be more motivated to make efforts to get out of their unpleasant state.
Better self-knowledge
Being sad fulfills a real function, assures the psychiatrist Christophe André, author of the recent
Consolations, those we receive and those we give
(2).
According to him, grief opens the doors to change, it forces us to reflect on our life and thus pushes us to change the way we act.
“Refusing to be sad is refusing these times of setting aside and thinking about what is wrong, he specifies.
We lose something of the order of self-knowledge.
Without forgetting that the best way to attenuate and shorten sadness is to allow it to be present, and to experience it.
Repressing it is useless, "it's a bit like forbidding us to think about a particular thing, illustrates the journalist Helen Russel, the only thing we can think about will be precisely this thing."
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The quest for happiness perfectionism
Sadness may be an unavoidable emotion in our lives, but many shun it, notes Christophe André.
Some adopt the posture because the emotion, painful, frightens them.
For others, the sadness is tinged with a sense of shame, the roots of which can be found in childhood, when adults ask not to cry, or emphasize that they prefer to see the child smiling.
"How do you know how to manage sadness in adulthood, when you don't experience it during childhood? Asks Helen Russel.
When we are sad, then we will feel guilty and ashamed”.
Behind the escape of sadness, Christophe André also sees a social explanation.
“Since the dawn of time, we have tended to think that this emotion prevents us from fulfilling our social role within a group,” he comments.
Exceptions
For people with a history of depression, some sadness must be fought more vigorously with the help of a therapist, warns psychiatrist Christophe André.
A common mistake is also to confuse temporary grief with depression.
Which therefore amounts to associating an emotion linked to an injury, a disappointment, an illness.
No wonder, then, that some apprehend emotion.
This confusion would have its origin in a perfectionism of happiness, understand the idea that being happy means being "good"... All the time.
An illusion, recalls journalist Helen Russel: “The main thing is not to be constantly in a good mood but to live a good life.
But a good life includes suffering.
"Negativity, those moments in our lives when we are worried, nostalgic or anxious, are part of normality," says Christophe André.
Happiness is a balance.
The right ratio, according to the psychiatrist, would be to live one moment in the negative emotional register for three other, positive ones.
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accept his sadness
If we ignore our negative emotions, we can harm our mental health, as it prevents access to other areas of life, such as joy or pleasure, nuance Helen Russell.
Wanting too much to repress sadness, the consequences can also be physical, ranging from stomach aches or headaches, to the risk of addiction to any form of excess, warns the author.
To the point of leading, in some cases according to her, to a depressive state.
“Which makes sense.
If we consider sadness as something
abnormal
, we will be more likely to make it pathological,” she explains.
In addition, a study conducted by the University of California at Berkeley, and published in the
Journal of Personality and Social Psychology
in December 2018, looked at the link between the acceptance of negative emotions and the psychological health of more than 1 300 adults.
Results ?
Participants who allowed their negative emotions to express themselves freely had fewer mood disorders.
Conversely, those who fled them were more affected by stress.
Exploring Tragic Happiness
How to proceed to better welcome this sadness?
When the emotion is foreign to us, the first step is to accept it and to be aware that there are days
with
and days
without
.
This includes not stopping crying.
"If you feel the tears rising, let them flow, it soothes," commented journalist Helen Russel.
If our emotions were suppressed during our childhood, the first thing is to stop apologizing or feeling ashamed of how we feel, she says.
Listening to sad music can also connect with emotion, according to the British author.
A 2014 study confirms that it brings consolation and regulates bad mood and negative emotions.
"It is good to amplify the emotion to purge it, to cross it but without abandoning oneself to it", rebounds the psychiatrist Christophe André.
It is also essential to take a step back from what you are feeling, and to have a "resource person" to listen to when needed.
Physical activity, such as a 20-minute walk, rest, or pleasurable eating, is also recommended.
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Once the sadness has been explored, it's time to get out of it.
The psychiatrist reminds us: emotion should not prevent us from acting.
Having gone through this period of despair will not make us less happy, quite the contrary.
Christophe André affirms it: the only possible happiness is tragic, resilient happiness.
“Life condemns us to be unhappy on a regular basis, the solution is not to be sorry but to console ourselves with moments of joy, concludes the psychiatrist.
Happiness does not mask sadness, it does not suppress it.
It helps us to face it”.
(1)
How to be sad
, by Helen Russell, (in English), HarperCollins Publishers, 384 p.
(2)
Consolations, those we receive and those we give
, by Christophe André, Editions de l'Iconoclaste, 330 p., €21.90.