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Do you feel that jealousy is hurting your relationship? This is how you can save her Israel today

2023-01-05T09:18:22.182Z


A healthy relationship is important to every person in a relationship, but sometimes it is damaged for various reasons, such as competition and lack of support • This is what you must do to maintain a healthy relationship


A relationship is usually where people allow themselves to be vulnerable and exposed.

If it is a healthy relationship, the couple will allow themselves to share feelings, emotions and experiences, and will expect strengthening feedback from the partner.

But what happens in a situation where the harmony is broken, and the spouses are jealous of each other and become competitive?

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Yael and Alon (pseudonyms) are a couple in their 40s, with three children aged 7, 8 and 10.

Both have been working for many years in high-tech companies, with Yael herself receiving a promotion a few months ago in which she was appointed VP at her place of work.

The two came to couples therapy at the institute.

According to Yael, Alon does not congratulate her on the promotion at work.

"I feel that he does not praise me for anything, on the contrary - he competes, bargains and takes into account with me about everything that happens in my personal and professional life, even about the children."

At first Yael wondered to herself if Alon was jealous of her successes: "I'm sure that Alon is really having a hard time with my professional progress, he really doesn't support me and vice versa - I feel that sometimes he makes it difficult for me on purpose."

The feelings can cause fights (illustration), photo: Getty Images


During the treatment we talk about the fact that the basic longing of everyone in a relationship is for their partner to value them, support them, understand them and heal their emotional wounds.

We all want our spouse to congratulate us on our progress in life, and do not believe that he can be jealous of us.

However, unfortunately, many times spouses find it difficult to accommodate professional personal successes and progress in the other spouse, and as a result we sometimes see instances of jealousy, competition, lack of support, calculation and bargaining between spouses.

Here is the place to point out that feelings of jealousy and competition between spouses is a natural and normal thing, after all this is the person closest to us, but it is natural that we compare ourselves to him and strive to progress like him.

Sometimes, the very competition can actually strengthen and spur a partner to their own growth and personal growth.

This can be seen in the findings of a new study by psychologist Kathleen Carswell and her colleagues.

Among other things, the study examined the relationship between personal development and passion in a relationship - and found that personal development in each partner greatly strengthens passion in a relationship.

On the other hand, jealousy and competition can weaken, reduce and deplete our reserves of mental energy.

Many times the differences between normal jealousy and competition and destructive jealousy and competition are in the intensity of the competition, in the doses and in the dynamics that develop between the spouses.

A competitive dynamic, one characterized by accusations, arguments and pettiness, will eventually lead to distance, and perhaps even separation and divorce.

That is why it is very important to talk about it and understand the psychological sources.

A matter of dynamics.

A large couple (illustration), photo: Thinkstock Photos


the source of the injury

There are several reasons that can cause jealousy and competition to develop, including the birth of children (for example, the development of a symbiotic bubble between a mother and her baby and her preference for the baby over his father), the approach and preference of one of the children for one parent over the other, gaps in the division of housework, gaps in education, who Brings a higher salary at the end of the month and more.

Experiences of jealousy and competition over time can lead, among other things, to feelings of resentment, experiences of exploitation, accusations and even endless reckoning and bargaining.

For his part, Alon says that he felt pushed aside.

According to him, he congratulates Yael for her successes, but he feels that he is pushed more and more into a corner and that Yael does not see and understand his needs.

"So what do we do? The experience at home is difficult and unsupportive. Is it possible that we really don't support each other anymore? Will jealousy lead to breaking up the relationship between us," they wonder.

In the first stage of a therapeutic process, it is important to understand and acknowledge that feelings of jealousy and competition are natural and legitimate feelings that can even help in personal and professional development.

It is very important to understand the psychological root of the feelings of jealousy and competition, and to allow everyone to express their feelings and pain in an open, direct and clear way - without the partner blaming and judging them.

Later on we will try to allow each partner to step into the other's shoes, to understand his pain and why it is difficult for him with the progress of the other.

Paragon will contribute to the relationship between you (illustration), photo: Getty Images


In the case of Yael and Alon, she encouraged him - and in the end they found a creative solution that would allow him to progress in his work as well.

On top of that, they were advised to stop and coordinate expectations and redistribute roles at home and with the children, in accordance with the evolving and changing needs of the couple.

Finally, the two learned to favor each other and help the other realize his abilities without harming the other.

Remember: growing up in a loving and supportive relationship is an important achievement.

The two are better than the one, and a supportive partner can help the other grow, develop and realize his personal professional, marital and family abilities.

Good luck.

Dr. Ronit Sharon is a lecturer at the Hebrew University. She directs a relationship institute for couple and individual therapy with branches nationwide.

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Source: israelhayom

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