There is this friend who only calls us when needed or this complete stranger who suddenly and heavily confided in us in the evening.
And then those overtime hours that we work naturally, because our superior couldn't do it without us, we're sure of that.
Some people have a tendency to always put others before themselves, to always help family, friends, colleagues or spouses, at the expense of their own needs.
Jess Baker and Rod Vincent, both British psychologists, call this behavior “the super-helper syndrome”.
They theorize it in their book
The super-helper syndrome
, published in September 2022 (1).
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The two psychologists observe in individuals affected by the syndrome common beliefs: helping is the only way to be a good person, to receive love and validation;
it's up to them to save the world and finally, the others couldn't get by without their help, and they don't have any real needs.
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physical and mental exhaustion
While altruism is obviously entirely honourable, the extreme version ultimately harms mental health.
Being a super-helper risks leading to physical and emotional exhaustion, Rod Vincent informs us right away.
"We give, give, give and then we empty ourselves, we have nothing more to give," he comments.
Results ?
One may suffer from poor quality sleep, physical pain and unstable mood, with a strong tendency to irritation.
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The super-helper even exposes himself to burnout or depression.
The process is simple: "his desire to support others is so limitless that he will do it to the detriment of his own health, he forgets himself in his investment", specifies Marjorie Lugari, psychoanalyst.
resentment and anger
The other characteristic of the super-helper is to ensure a constant presence and listening to others, without requiring them for oneself.
Only by not asking for anything will we actually get nothing in return.
This colleague, for example, to whom we always ask questions, of whom we remember all the details of his life and for whom we are always present, will continue to confide, and will have very little interest in looking into what is happening on our side.
Resentment is like a rubber band that you stretch, if you pull too hard on it, it will crack and hurt both sides
Jess Baker, psychologist and co-author of the British book “The super-helper syndrome”
This imbalance can over time give rise to resentment and anger, which can gain in intensity and give way to oral or physical violence.
"Resentment is like a rubber band that you stretch," says psychologist Jess Baker, co-author of the British book
The super-helper syndrome
.
If you pull too hard on it, it will crack and hurt both sides."
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The risk of exploitation
These imbalanced social relationships can become toxic.
“Without realizing it, an affective codependency will develop between the person receiving help, and the person who needs help to feel they exist, explains psychoanalyst Marjorie Lugari.
This reinforces the toxicity of the relationship and the dysfunctions of each.”
By never mentioning their needs and by accommodating the desires of others, the super-helper leaves the field open to exploitation.
“Faced with him, some therefore act as if he had no needs and can always ask him for more, rebounds the psychologist Jess Baker.
The super-helper becomes vulnerable and can - in extreme cases - fall prey to narcissistic perverts, for example.”
Three tips from Jess Baker and Rod Vincent to reverse the trend
Understand why we have these four limiting beliefs, and find a way to deconstruct them.
This step will take time but it is essential, say the authors.
Set healthy boundaries when deciding who, where and when to offer our help.
For example, I will listen to my mother who complains during a meal but I will not let her call me when I am at work.
Recognize that we also have needs, and realize that by responding to them, we will be a better helper.
A harmful self-criticism
Finally, if the super-helpers are overflowing with benevolence with those around them, with themselves, they are very demanding.
"When they feel exhausted they think 'I should have more energy', when they feel resentful they think 'I should be able to give without expecting anything in return', and when they feel taken advantage of, they think "I should be able to say no", says Jess Baker.
They blame themselves for not having done more, for not having acted sooner.
This permanent dissatisfaction and self-criticism gradually erode self-esteem.
(1)
The super-helper syndrome
, by Jess Baker and Rod Vincent, (in English), Flint Books.