Angels in daycare, devils at home: Why it's good when children misbehave at home

Created: 01/11/2023, 02:00 p.m

By: Anna Heyers

In kindergarten, the little ones behave in an exemplary manner, at home they scream, do not hear and behave in an impossible way.

A psychologist reveals why this is normal and even good.

Afternoon naps, doing one's own thing or even going to the toilet successfully - for many children this does not seem to be a problem, at least in kindergarten or preschool.

At home, however, these activities regularly degenerate into a struggle for many families.

The psychologist Vanessa LoBue sees neither a cause for concern nor an educational problem.

Parenting: Why it's good when kids misbehave at home

Anyone who has ever seen how their own offspring put on their shoes like a good angel on the instructions of the caregiver, while the same request in the family hallway regularly leads to a tantrum, you may ask yourself: What am I doing wrong?

Does my child not like me as much as the educators?

Doubts arise and the parental competence is questioned.

According to the psychologist, the opposite is the case here.

Speaking on

, LoBue explains that in such cases, the child often feels very safe with the parent.

The children are (unconsciously) certain that their mother's or father's love will not diminish.

An outburst of anger because the helmet doesn't want to be put on - although that worked without any problems in kindergarten?

That doesn't have to be a bad sign.

© Westend61/Imago

In good and bad times - love gives security

This close bond and sense of security is especially prevalent in children who have a mother or father who is responsive to their needs.

If the child cries, it is comforted, if it does something well, if it is praised and if it laughs, the parents laugh too.

With this confirmation, small children develop a healthy self-confidence that supports their curiosity.

If something goes wrong while exploring a new toy or location, they can be sure that someone will be there to catch them.

Education experts are particularly good at it if certain sentences are never or only rarely used.

Kids know that even if they throw their toys across the room and refuse to pick them up, we'll still love them.

They know they can show us their true colors and we will always think it's beautiful and adorable.

Vanessa LoBue, psychologist (in an article on Psychology Today)

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Why is behavior different with strangers?

Our children feel less safe around strangers, especially when their parents are not around.

This makes the little ones more reserved overall - and at the same time a bit more well-behaved.

You just can't predict how the other person will behave.

Vanessa LoBue also sees this behavior in adults: "We often show our best side when we meet strangers or work together with colleagues." This means nothing other than that friends, partners and family are most likely to feel our unfiltered emotions, Strangers, on the other hand, are presented with a sugarcoated version – the one with the best upbringing.

So we're not that different from our offspring.