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My parents' child: have the roles in the family reversed? This is how you fix it - voila! health

2023-01-18T06:58:41.226Z


Crisis situations such as divorce or a parent's illness may cause children to take on roles that are not suitable for their age, the price a child pays for such parental roles may be heavy


The children may pay a heavy price for the parental role.

A worried child (Photo: ShutterStock)

When we imagine a relationship between a parent and a child, most of the time the image will be of a parent taking care of the physical and emotional needs of his children.

But there are situations where the children take care of their parents, this situation is called role reversal in the family - (role reversal) or parental children.

These terms describe a child's behavior in which he functions as the parent's partner or as a parent himself for the rest of the family, and sometimes also for the parent himself.

Usually it will be the eldest brother or sister or the strongest girl among the siblings in the family who will take on the role.



The parental role can be expressed in two main ways.

The first is instrumental parenting - which includes household duties such as helping with washing dishes, helping with homework, cooking, cleaning the house and more.

The second way is emotional parenting, which includes emotional aspects of the child towards his family members, such as comforting, encouraging, calming and more.



This type of parenting is often more difficult for the parent's child.

In many cases the parent becomes dependent and the reversal of roles will not be perceived as a problem, but as a given situation in which there is no choice.

However, even if it seems otherwise, most children have not reached the mental maturity required to fulfill these needs.

An example of an emotional role reversal comes from what 11-year-old L., whose parents divorced, says: "After I put my sisters to bed, I sit with my mother on the couch and she tells me what happened to her today, I don't tell because I don't have anything, everything is fine with me."

why is it happening?

Children can demonstrate parental behavior in various situations, which usually result from stress and crisis situations such as: a parent's illness, parental divorce, the parent's addictions, and more.

Sometimes these are single-parent families or families that have experienced loss, where one of the parents is absent and there is only one parent as a figure for the child.

The child is sensitive to the parent's needs, feels his loneliness and is close to his daily-existential troubles.

This is how roles are reversed.

The parental child receives reinforcements for this role and feels more mature than his age.

In situations where a parent has passed away, the parental child seeks to help the remaining parent, to protect him and he is not available for the mourning process and processing of the loss he himself experienced.

In these children, we also see a high anxiety for the safety of the remaining parent, so says D. Shama, whose mother died of an illness, "When dad goes down to throw out the trash, I wait by the door until he comes back and then I hug him tightly."

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The role reversal has long-term consequences

The role reversal has two main meanings.

On the one hand, there is empathy and responsibility in parenting children, these children will be more sensitive to others and will experience themselves as having the ability to help others.

On the other hand, when the responsibilities and authority given to him become dependent, they harm his personal development, rob him of his strength or bring him to a place where he should not be.



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A child should assume roles according to the stages of his age, condition and strengths.

When he is required to function as a parent, the child may develop a feeling that he is expected to take care of adults and he does not always have the emotional and physical ability to respond to these needs, he feels frustrated and his self-confidence is damaged.

In this gap between the child's ability and reality, there is a high risk of failure.

When the child does not succeed in performing tasks that do not correspond to his age, he will feel an experience of failure that may lead to damage to his self-esteem and sense of competence.

An experience of failure that may lead to damage to one's self-worth and sense of competence.

A sad boy (Photo: ShutterStock)

The long-term consequences of the situation are mainly related to the emotional development of these children, if a relationship of long-term dependence is formed.

My parent's child learns that he is transparent, invisible, he is a tool for others.

That is, he learned to see the needs of others (like his parents), and does not know his own needs, thoughts, and feelings.

There is a risk that the adult who was a child of my parents will be in a problematic position in many relationships (marital, social and within the work framework), because the perspective from which he observes relationships is the satisfaction of the other and the denial of his needs.

7 questions that will help you identify role reversal at home

  • Does the child spend time with his peers or prefer to stay with the parent?

  • Has the child stopped participating in classes, social activities that he was a part of before the crisis?

    For example, he stopped going to youth movement meetings

  • Is the child in the position of a parent in front of his brother?

    Takes care of their needs, acts authoritatively towards them

  • Is the child busy and anxious for the parent's health?

  • Does the parent share the emotional difficulties the child is experiencing instead of sharing with family members, friends or seeking professional help?

  • Does the parent find himself often praising his child for success in performing parental duties?

  • Are there support systems that the family uses or is the family in a kind of isolation and seclusion?

How do you get out of it?

If the family experienced a significant crisis and if you answered yes to these questions, you may be in a situation where your child functions as a responsible adult.

This situation is changeable and sometimes temporary.

To prevent the reversal of roles, parents can take several important actions to increase and expand their ability to remain as a stable source of security and emotional nourishment for their children:



1. Use family, social and community support networks to perform the roles that the parent child has taken on.



2. Check whether the roles the children have taken on match their age and strengthen their self-images.

As M., 14 years old, whose mother was killed in a car accident, says: "Dad works hard so that we have everything we need, so I help by getting up in the morning and making sandwiches for everyone. It turns out well, dad can also sleep a little more and I also feel significant for my brothers."



3. If you have identified such a mitzvah, you should talk to the child and say that you appreciate his help but now you are turning to him for help and want him to "return" to his natural place as a child.



4. Seek professional help that can help and guide you out of the cycle of interdependence and the establishment of a healthy relationship.

This help will include strengthening and empowering the parent, assistance in expanding the circle of resources and support, alongside strengthening the child to find his unique voice, identify his needs and express them.



Dr. Shakma Nitzan-Biran is an expert clinical social worker and therapist at the "Sunflowers" association

  • health

  • parenthood

Tags

  • parenthood

  • Children

  • crisis

  • anxiety

Source: walla

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