"Often, during a conversation, people think about what they are going to say next": and you, do you listen enough to others?

She receives dozens of thank you emails every day.

Some confide in him that they have finally found love.

Others say they got a job.

Still others say they have strengthened cohesion within their company.

However, Kate Murphy is neither a psychologist nor a magician.

To discover

• Watch the Business Masterclass “Investing can be learned” in replay

Read alsoSpouse, children, colleagues... How to take the time to listen to each other?

In video, 7 tips to manage your stress before a professional interview

journalist

embarked on a major investigation into the lost art of listening.

In

(1), her book - published in January 2020 in the United States, and released in France on January 11 -, the author highlights the benefits of this discipline.

To do this, she went to meet listening professionals, including a bartender, a priest, or even an FBI hostage negotiator.

In her book, she delivers valuable advice to find an attentive ear, ignoring notifications, background music and other parasitic thoughts.

Know your interlocutor

In Tendez l'oreille!, Kate Murphy evokes the lost art of listening.

Editions JC Lattes

Miss Figaro.

-

Often, during a conversation, people think about what to say next, look at their phone, answer on the side, change the subject, observe their surroundings or cut themselves off.

Technology and modern, noisy environments do not help matters.

It's a problem.

If we don't listen to others, we don't understand them.

We cannot create links.

Listening to someone is the only way to get closer to them, even to fall in love

Kate Murphy

You say that listening is even more important than speaking.

That is to say ?

To be really clear, convincing and captivating, you have to know your interlocutors.

And the only way to know them is to listen to them.

Not everyone has the same level of understanding, the same sensitivities.

The idea is to tailor what you say to your audience.

And then, listening to someone is the only way to learn things, to get closer to him, even to fall in love.

The “Listening Athletes”

Are we all really capable of attentive listening?

Everyone has the ability to listen well.

When you are curious, every conversation is an adventure.

In the book, I interview people – a CIA agent, a bartender, a priest… – who I call “listening athletes”.

Some of them have a natural ability to listen.

Like professional athletes, they were born with a talent for this discipline.

However, a person who does not have this natural ability can practice it.

Although she may not listen as well as a CIA agent.

When you're curious, every conversation is an adventure

Kate Murphy

What do these “listening athletes” have in common?

Everything depends on how they respond to their interlocutor.

They know how to ask the right questions.

They also have a very open attitude.

For example, Naomi Henderson, host of consumer meetings, never crosses her arms or legs when talking to someone.

Her posture is almost an invitation to talk to her, a form of hospitality.

She shows that she is in no hurry, that she is very interested in the conversation.

What rules do these "athletes" apply to better listen to their interlocutor?

For them, listening has become a kind of reflex.

One of the people I interviewed uses an interesting metaphor, however.

During each discussion, she imagines that she and her interlocutor are holding cups.

She tries not to pour anything into that of the person opposite - that is to say, she lets them speak, does not impose her own opinions on them.

For her, it's a difficult process, because naturally, we all want to impress people, to tell them why they should like us.

But what makes them love us, precisely, is that we are generous, and that we listen to them.

On the same wavelength

You write that, when two people listen to and understand each other perfectly, they are literally on the same wavelength...

Neuroscientist Uri Hasson compared, during his experiments, the neural patterns of two people who were discussing.

He discovered that when the listener and the speaker understand each other, their brain waves are synchronous.

The more the brain waves of one overlap with those of the other, the better the communication.

Listening gives the feeling of belonging to a community

In your work, you also thwart a received idea: that women always have a better sense of listening than men.

Most people think that women listen better than men.

But we all know men who know how to listen very well, and women who do not know how to do it at all.

It depends on our experience, how we were brought up.

If we grew up in a family that made fun of us, we probably stopped listening, because it could be hurtful.

Yet, according to you, attentive listening has multiple benefits…

Listening gives the feeling of belonging to a community.

This allows you to be better at your job, to communicate better with your children, and to have better relationships in general.

To listen, you don't even have to agree with the person opposite.

But it allows us to understand how she formed her opinion.

To know if you have listened well to someone, all you have to do is ask yourself two questions: what did I learn about my interlocutor?

And how did he feel about it?

Scandals, Elon Musk: in the privacy of the richest man in the world

LISTEN TO THE PODCAST

The lack of listening

Conversely, when should you stop listening?

How not to get overwhelmed?

I'm not saying you have to listen to everyone.

That's the beauty of listening: it's a gift, and you can decide who to use it with.

But sometimes we give up too quickly.

We don't give the person opposite a chance.

When you listen well, you more easily identify introverts, those whose barriers must be broken down.

You also learn to identify liars, and conversations that won't lead anywhere.

If you don't listen, you don't notice the details that could change your life.

Kate Murphy

What damage can the absence of listening, or in any case, poor listening, cause?

Your relationships suffer.

It may even hasten their end.

If you don't listen, you don't notice the details that could have changed your life.

You miss opportunities, connections.

You may be missing out on the love of your life or a job.

Listen to his family

Why is listening important in the life of a couple, and why does it wane over time?

When a person is close to us, we believe that we already know what they are going to say, what they are thinking.

So, when she speaks, we listen to her less.

This is called proximity bias in communication.

The problem is that human beings are constantly changing.

If you stop listening to the other and being curious, you will lose all contact with him.

This is how we come to the point of saying: "You don't know me anymore", or "You are no longer the same person".

Don't tell yourself that you know your loved ones by heart

Kate Murphy

And our children?

How to educate them to better listen to those around them?

It's about showing them the example, because they observe our way of interacting and imitate it.

They should also be listened to more carefully.

And once again, don't tell yourself that you know them by heart.

We often want to give advice, to act for them.

They are taught that there is no room for the expression of their emotions.

Let's ask them questions.

We must make them understand that, whatever happens, we will listen to them.

This is the best way to teach them to listen to themselves.

The power of silence

You explain in your book the importance of gossip which, despite a negative connotation, can have a positive function in our society.

Which ?

The majority of gossip is not malicious.

In fact, they help us to understand the society in which we live, to know what is moral and what is not.

When we exchange gossip, our interlocutor can give us his interpretation of a situation.

This allows us to keep an open mind.

We understand that maybe our vision is not the right one, that we should forgive, or on the contrary, take more seriously what has offended us.

Silence allows you to understand what your interlocutor is saying, and to respond to it in a more appropriate and sensitive way.

Kate Murphy

Tolerance for silence varies from culture to culture.

Why is silence sometimes unbearable to us?

What are the benefits?

Western cultures are very uncomfortable with silence.

In fact, it's so uncomfortable for us that when a conversation slows down, we want to jump in right away, before the other has even finished talking.

However, silence allows you to better understand what your interlocutor is saying, and to respond to it in a more appropriate and sensitive way.

It is a signal that we send to him: we take the time to think about what he is saying.

This is how he will be able to gather his ideas, and give us the most important part of his story.

(1)

, by Kate Murphy, published January 11, 2023, Ed.

JC Lattes, 344 pages, €21.50